


how could they call this bad love (when all i want is more)

by SJAandDWfan



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Cowgirl AU, F/F, aka emma's grandma has a farm that's next door to mrs greene's insane amount of land, alyssa is a reluctant horse girl, it's au day of the prom appreciation week and you know what that means, shenanigans ensue, this started as a complete crack idea and then things happened, yeehaw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2019-11-01 23:25:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 69,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17876765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SJAandDWfan/pseuds/SJAandDWfan
Summary: “I’m so sorry,” Alyssa said. “I really didn’t mean to knock you over, I was just trying this test your strength machine and, well, I guess I thought the hammer would be heavier to pick up than it actually was and I—”“Elbowed me in the head?” Emma finished, resisting the urge to laugh at Alyssa’s solemn nod. “It’s okay. Really, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”“Are you okay?” Alyssa asked, her fingers brushing over Emma’s temple. Emma stiffened, because the contact made her head spin – and not in the ‘probably suffering from a concussion’ kind of way. At least, Emma didn’t think she had a concussion.orthe cowgirl au





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> listen, you guys. cowgirl au was born a month ago when the amazing and very cursed maria had a crack idea. the prom, but make alyssa a cowgirl. soon after, i saw the prom in nyc and there was a moment in it involving alyssa and a hat that confirmed it for me. then maria and i started talking about it and, well, it got more in-depth and serious and then this happened.
> 
> the cowgirl au is our baby and has been for pretty much the last month, and we're so excited to share the first chapter on au day of #unrulyheartsweek - which you should definitely check out on tumblr and other social media if you haven't already because it's been so much fun and it's not even over yet so there's still time to get involve!
> 
> big thanks to the prom discord for (eventually) getting onboard with the idea and for being so damn supportive of the sheer chaos of what throwing around ideas for this turns into...
> 
> the timeline of this story is a little different from canon, but we're more taking inspiration from canon than following it directly, so enjoy!
> 
> (title from bad love by the aces because apparently i'm breaking my 'name fics after a song from the show' tradition yeehaw)

Looking back, Emma really should have known that Alyssa Greene was the one for her when she made her see stars.

Literally.

Breathing in the smell of popcorn, cotton candy, and stressed-out parents with small children, Emma wandered aimlessly around the fair. She was content in the knowledge that her own parents were distracted enough to let her go off by herself, even though at seventeen years old there really shouldn’t be an issue. Besides, the summer fair only came to Edgewater for a week every July and Emma intended to make the most of it this year.

She wasn’t particularly looking where she was going; one moment she was caught up in watching the singular roller coaster begin its rickety ascent and the next, she was on the ground. Spots clouded her vision, and Emma groaned as a dull pain bloomed in her head.

“Oh my god,” she heard from above her, and then someone was crouching down next to her.

Straightening her glasses and blinking rapidly to clear her vision, Emma’s heart jumped in her chest as Alyssa Greene’s face came into focus. Alyssa, who in Emma’s opinion was the most beautiful girl at school, and the smartest, and the nicest – if the few times they’d spoken in class were any indication. Alyssa, who was practically her grandma’s next door neighbor. Alyssa, who was currently looking at Emma with a considerably horrified expression on her face as she crouched next to her on the burnt-out grass.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I really didn’t mean to knock you over, I was just trying this test your strength machine and, well, I guess I thought the hammer would be heavier to pick up than it actually was and I—”

“Elbowed me in the head?” Emma finished, resisting the urge to laugh at Alyssa’s solemn nod. “It’s okay. Really, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“Are you okay?” Alyssa asked, her fingers brushing over Emma’s temple. Emma stiffened, because the contact made her head spin – and not in the ‘probably suffering from a concussion’ kind of way. At least, Emma didn’t think she had a concussion.

“Y-yeah, I’m okay,” she replied, unable to look away from Alyssa’s deep brown eyes. Her head was blocking out the sun, so it kind of looked like she was emanating a golden glow. As distracted by this as she was, it took Emma an embarrassingly long time to realize that Alyssa was now holding out a hand to help her up. Blushing profusely, Emma let Alyssa pull her to her feet.

“I’m Emma,” she said.

“I know,” Alyssa replied. “We have a few classes together, right?”

“Yeah,” Emma said, trying not to let on how oddly nervous it made her that Alyssa remembered her. “We do.”

“Plus, your grandmother’s farm borders my mother’s land,” Alyssa continued. “Betsy Nolan’s her name, isn’t it?”

Emma nodded mutely, surprised by just how much Alyssa knew. With a jolt, she realized that they were still holding hands. She gulped, looking back up to see if Alyssa had noticed too. Alyssa was already watching her, and then they were just staring at each other. Emma dropped Alyssa’s hand quickly. She didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

Emma wasn’t exactly _out_ at school. If she were, she was almost certain that Alyssa wouldn’t have been so touchy with her already. And maybe the butterflies in Emma’s stomach scared her a little bit, because Alyssa was definitely straight and she really couldn’t allow herself to develop a crush on her. She couldn’t be that cliched lesbian who fell for the straight girl just because she was nice to her.

Ignoring the nagging voice in her head that told her it was probably already too late for that, Emma cleared her throat nervously.

“So. Test your strength machine?”

Alyssa gestured to it with the hammer. “High Striker, yeah. I’ve never tried it before, but it looks like fun.”

Emma glanced at it uneasily. “Isn’t this the thing guys in old teen movies use to try and prove that they’re macho or something?”

Alyssa snorted. “And everyone is always so underwhelmed. Do you want to try?”

She held out the hammer to Emma, who hesitated. She didn’t know if Alyssa was only offering so she could compare Emma to those guys, or if this was somehow a set-up. As nice as Alyssa had always seemed, she wasn’t inclined to trust situations like this.

Cautiously, Emma took the hammer from Alyssa, lining up in front of the lever. The tower of the High Striker wasn’t that tall – only about six feet – but Emma had no idea how much strength it would take to get the puck high enough to ring the bell.

Emma took a deep breath, raising the hammer above her head with both hands and bringing it down on the lever with as much force as she dared. The puck didn’t even make it halfway up the tower. Emma groaned, turning to face Alyssa who – to her surprise – wasn’t laughing at her.

It was still embarrassing. Emma helped out on her grandma’s farm most weekends and yet she wasn’t strong enough to even make much of an impression on the dumb game. She handed the hammer back to Alyssa with a shrug.

“Guess I’m a weakling after all,” she said.

“I don’t think you’re a weakling,” Alyssa said. “Maybe this thing is partly down to technique.”

She paused thoughtfully, moving into position as Emma shuffled out of the way to watch. She didn’t know why Alyssa was still willingly talking to her instead of making fun of her for her failure, but she was grateful nonetheless.

Alyssa raised the hammer, bringing it down with such speed as well as force that it took Emma by complete surprise. The hammer hit the lever with a crack, and the puck shot up the tower, only failing to ring the bell by about four inches. Alyssa laughed delightedly, spinning around to face Emma, who was frozen in shock.

She hadn’t meant to pre-judge, but nothing about Alyssa had indicated how strong she clearly was. Bewildered, Emma let out a slow breath.

“Wow.”

Alyssa grinned, and butterflies once again erupted in Emma’s stomach. She’d never bought into the whole ‘strength is attractive’ bullshit even before coming to terms with the fact that she was a lesbian, but right now she was beginning to have second thoughts about her initial judgements. Seeing Alyssa almost hit the bell at her first attempt had been incredible.

Shaking herself out of her sudden trance, Emma tried to think of something to say other than ‘wow’ again. Anything. Literally any other words would do, but it was like her mind had gone completely blank.

“How did you get so strong?” were the words she went with in the end, and she immediately regretted them.

Alyssa just shrugged. “Cheerleading. The dance classes I was forced to take growing up. Carrying saddles and water buckets every day. I guess it all adds up. That, plus using explosive power for games like this.”

“Saddles?”

“Oh, yeah,” Alyssa shuffled her feet self-consciously. “I, um, have a horse.”

Emma had been helping out on her grandma’s farm for years, and she had never once seen a horse on the Greene’s land. Although, she supposed Mrs Greene _did_ have a ridiculous amount of land.

“I thought Kaylee and Shelby were the horse girls at our school,” Emma said. “Are you telling me that you’ve been a secret part of the trifecta all along?”

Alyssa laughed nervously. “I guess so. There, now you know my big secret.”

She almost seemed to look through Emma as she said that, and it made Emma’s breath catch in her throat because maybe she was just being paranoid, but maybe Alyssa was trying to say that she knew what _her_ big secret was.

It wasn’t too far-fetched. She may not be out, but Emma was very aware of the way she dressed, and that she didn’t join in on any conversations her female classmates had about boys, and that she drove a damn pick-up truck. So, it wasn’t hard to believe that Alyssa might somehow know she was gay. In which case, Emma had probably embarrassed herself even more during this conversation than she’d first thought.

Part of her wanted to escape; to just run. But another part of her thought that talking to Alyssa – even though she was kind of mortified – was the best interaction she’d had outside of her grandma for a long time.

Alyssa tucked her hands into her pockets, toeing at the ground with one sneaker. “I still feel bad about hurting you.”

“Huh? This?” Emma pointed to her head, having momentarily forgotten how their conversation had started. “It’s fine, I have a thick skull. Please don’t feel bad about it.”

Alyssa looked unsure. “At least let me buy you some funnel cake or something. You know, to say sorry.”

“I, well, I guess I never turn down free food,” Emma said slowly, and Alyssa’s eyes lit up.

If she was being honest, Emma had no idea what was happening, or why Alyssa was being so nice to her. If she did know Emma was gay, she should’ve run for the hills by now – but she hadn’t. Clearly, Alyssa was completely unaware.

Somewhat relieved by this conclusion, Emma allowed herself to follow Alyssa the short distance to where the funnel cake was being sold. Emma just got hers with ice cream on top, and then watched in amusement as Alyssa went a little crazy with the toppings on her own. She grinned at Emma sheepishly after she’d paid for both of them.

“How does that not kill you instantly?” Emma asked, pointing with her plastic fork at the mess on Alyssa’s paper plate.

Alyssa shrugged. “My mom is really strict about what I can eat so I don’t get to be this unhealthy very often. I like to make the most of it, stomach-ache be damned.”

Emma frowned, and Alyssa seemed to realize what she’d said. “It’s fine! Besides, gotta stay in shape for cheer, so…”

“Right,” Emma said. She kind of wanted to ask if Alyssa was actually okay, because nothing she’d revealed about herself during their conversation was anything Emma would have suspected in a million years. On the other hand, she and Alyssa barely knew each other, so what right did Emma have to try and get involved in her family affairs?

Emma was halfway through her food when Kaylee and Shelby appeared.

Always joined at the hip, and usually hanging out with Alyssa at school, Kaylee and Shelby were definitely not Emma’s biggest fans. They were the cold to Alyssa’s warmth, and the sharpness of their twin glares cut straight through to the core of every single one of Emma’s insecurities. Suddenly, she was aware of how this must look; a loser and a popular girl eating funnel cake together at the summer fair, talking away to each other like they were actually close.

Uncomfortable nerves stirring in the pit of her stomach, Emma chanced a look at Alyssa, who seemed equally panicked. Rationally, Emma knew they hadn’t been doing anything wrong, but it still somehow felt like they’d been caught doing something they shouldn’t.

And maybe they had. Unspoken rules stated that Alyssa shouldn’t have said more than a polite apology to her; she definitely shouldn’t have engaged Emma in a conversation that felt more natural than she’d thought possible, and then paid for her food like they were—

Like they were on a date, Emma realized. The thought made her almost drop her plate.

“There you are,” Shelby said, exasperation clouding her voice. “We’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Check your phone next time,” Kaylee said, throwing a sideways glance at Emma.

“The battery died,” Alyssa said quickly. “Sorry.”

“That’s because you have a shitty phone,” Shelby said, jerking her head in the direction of the ring toss stall. “Come on.”

Alyssa forced a smile (at least, it looked like a forced smile to Emma). “Yeah. Okay.”

She looked at Emma, an apology behind her eyes as she allowed herself to be dragged away. Emma was left alone, with a half-eaten funnel cake that she suddenly had little interest in finishing, wondering what the hell just happened.

 

* * *

 

Alyssa let out a relieved breath when she returned home to find her mother still out at work. She checked the time on her very much still-alive phone; six-thirty. Her mother usually stayed at the office until seven, and it was approximately a fifteen-minute drive back to the house – leaving Alyssa with forty-five whole minutes of peace and quiet.

Kaylee and Shelby had tried to persuade her to stay at the fair, but Alyssa had been able to fake tiredness well enough to let herself off the hook. She’d gotten the bus most of the way home, walking the last part of her journey. The walk had taken her past Betsy Nolan’s farm, and she’d found herself staring at the modest little farmhouse at the end of the dirt track almost wistfully. Beyond it, there were sprawling fields dotted with cows and sheep. Geese roamed the land freely. It had looked so much like a _home_.

More of a home than Alyssa’s home, at any rate.

Nobody in this town was particularly rich, but Alyssa’s mother was pretty well-off, especially for being a single parent. She had a nice house with a ridiculous amount of land that she’d gotten in the divorce settlement, and a well-paying job. In fact, the only part of the ranch (although Mrs Greene point-blank refused to refer to her plot of land as a ‘ranch’) that was run-down at all was the old barn where Alyssa’s horse was stabled.

The barn hadn’t been renovated in over twenty years, and it hadn’t been all that fancy to begin with – or so Alyssa had been told. Her parents had moved in a few years before she had been born. Apparently, Alyssa’s father had been meaning to renovate the barn himself, but he’d never gotten around to it. Just one of many promises he’d broken, according to her mother.

Alyssa knew that her mom still wanted him to come back. Sometimes, it was like she was actively deluding herself into thinking it would happen, and then she would be extra strict with Alyssa. Everything had to be tracked; her weight, the amount of time spent doing homework, the people she spoke to.

Alyssa sighed heavily. If her mom knew she’d been talking to Emma Nolan of all people today, she’d have a fit. Maybe even an aneurysm. But it was bad enough that Kaylee and Shelby had seen them talking. They didn’t exactly like Emma, for reasons best known to themselves. Alyssa didn’t really understand it; Emma had always seemed like a quiet, unassuming girl who just happened to be in some of Alyssa’s classes. They’d exchanged a few words over the years, but they’d never had an actual conversation. Until today.

As it turned out, Emma was a really lovely person to talk to. And Alyssa didn’t know _why_ she wasn’t just free to talk to whomever she wanted. What had Emma done to make everyone at school decide that she wasn’t worth getting to know? Alyssa had only had one actual conversation with her and already knew that Emma Nolan was someone worth getting to know.

Her stomach churned uncomfortably at the thought of what her mother, not to mention Kaylee and Shelby and the rest of the school, would think if she actually went and became friends with Emma.

Alyssa wanted to be friends with Emma.

It was a sudden overpowering feeling; the need to reach out to her, to be in that same bubble she’d been in earlier where for once in her life everything felt _right_. She didn’t know how, and she didn’t know why, but she could imagine telling Emma anything and just receiving the same steady look in those brown eyes as she told her that everything was going to be okay.

Taken aback by the force with which this all hit her, Alyssa took a steadying breath as she reminded herself that, realistically, she couldn’t allow herself to get too close. Her mother, having a strange vendetta against Emma as she did, would never let it happen.

That was odd, too. Emma was, for all intents and purposes, just another kid at James Madison High School. Mrs Greene might be the head of the PTA, but Alyssa had no idea what Emma could have possibly done to cross them. So why did Mrs Greene seethe the way she did any time Emma or even her grandmother had come up in conversation?

Alyssa had mentioned Emma in passing one time a few months ago and had inadvertently set her mother off on a rant about the entire Nolan family. Alyssa theorized that maybe her mom just didn’t like sharing a fence line with Betsy.

Head swimming, Alyssa grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl in the kitchen and made her way back out of the house. She trod the familiar path down to the barn, distractedly taking a bite out of the apple even though she was still full from the funnel cake earlier. Despite her worries over today, Alyssa felt a smile begin to spread over her face as she saw her horse standing to attention with his head over the stable door.

“Hey, buddy,” Alyssa said quietly, offering him the rest of the apple as soon as she was close enough.

When Alyssa was twelve years old, her father had packed his bags and left. Not long after, no doubt in a desperate attempt to bring Alyssa’s attention back to herself, Mrs Greene had bought her a horse. Alyssa still vividly remembered the first time she’d seen him.

The first thing she’d noticed was his black and white patches. He had a thick white blaze down the middle of his face, white legs, and streaks of both colors in his mane and tail. His black patches were mostly on his neck, chest and hindquarters, but there were a few tiny round patches on the left side of his ribcage. They had almost looked like little black stones lost in a sea of white to her.

“This is Winston,” Mrs Greene had said, as the horse had reached his nose out to sniff the top of Alyssa’s head curiously.

Alyssa had pulled a face. The name was all wrong. She’d only just met this animal, but he was definitely not a Winston. Alyssa had looked again at the little markings on his side.

“Pebbles,” she had announced, with as much confidence as she’d been able to muster.

“Excuse me?” Mrs Greene had asked, taken aback by her first word upon seeing the gift.

Alyssa had shrugged, shrinking back slightly. “I want to call him Pebbles.”

“Call him whatever you like, honey,” her mother had sighed. “Just put all your energy into learning a new skill, okay? I’ll be your coach and before you know it, you two will be out on the stadium circuit together!”

The stadium competitions hadn’t really happened, but Alyssa had ended up learning how to ride anyway. She’d met Kaylee and Shelby not long after getting Pebbles and the friendship had just kind of stuck.

Over the five years she’d had him, she and Pebbles had become very attuned to each other’s emotions. Alyssa would hear stories about very intuitive dogs comforting their owners when they were sad, and the same turned out to be true for horses – or at least, for Pebbles. Whenever she was feeling overwhelmed – which was pretty often – Alyssa would sit in Pebbles’ stall for a while and just breathe.

Without fail, her horse would come and stand by her, resting his nose on the top of Alyssa’s head as she would sit hunched against the wall. Having a comforting presence like that really seemed to help, and Pebbles didn’t ever ask questions, so Alyssa never had to worry about explaining just why she was upset because, honestly, sometimes she didn’t even know why. Sometimes, this sudden feeling of dread and sheer _wrongness_ would wash over her, and she had no idea what was causing it.

Now, Pebbles took the apple from her hand eagerly, being careful not to graze her with his teeth. Alyssa scratched his forehead as he ate, laughing a little when he snorted impatiently.

“You can go outside after dinner,” she promised. “It won’t be so hot out by then.”

Most of the year, Pebbles went out in his little field to graze during the daytime, but the middle of summer was too hot for him to be out with no shelter. The flies would only bite him mercilessly, and so Alyssa only let him out to stretch his legs at night. For the day, he had to make do with a pile of hay in his stable, and a couple of decently-sized water buckets in case he got thirsty.

Alyssa went about mixing Pebbles’ feed, setting the bucket down in his stall when she was done. She sighed as she watched him eat. Sometimes, she wondered if her horse ever got lonely on his own. Horses were herd animals, after all, and maybe he was always so eager to see her because he had no-one else to keep him company.

Her mother had owned horses, when Alyssa had been little. People wouldn’t guess now, but back in her youth Mrs Greene had been a pretty serious equestrian. Alyssa’s birth had put a halt to that. The break was only meant to be temporary, but her mother hadn’t really competed a lot afterwards. Eventually, her horses had passed away from old age, and she’d never bought another. Until Pebbles.

No wonder Mrs Greene refused to call this place a ranch. There were a grand total of two people and one horse on a huge plot of land that they didn’t know what to do with. Mrs Greene had other interests now, her job and being the head of the PTA being the biggest ones.

Once Pebbles was done eating, Alyssa opened the door to his stall. She didn’t bother with a halter or even a rope around his neck; Pebbles followed her everywhere like a faithful dog. Hearing the tell-tale sound of hooves on the concrete floor behind her, Alyssa walked out of the barn and around to the back where his paddock was.

Alyssa opened the gate and let him through, smiling as his head immediately dropped to pick at the grass.

“You’re just lucky she doesn’t track _your_ weight.”

 

* * *

 

It was too early for this.

Saturday mornings, in Emma’s opinion, were a time to sleep in. Even during summer vacation, there was something different about the weekends – something unhurried and peaceful.

But in her case, weekends were a time to work.

Emma wouldn’t mind so much if she was actually getting paid for this. But most weekends she found herself here, on her grandma’s farm, getting in her morning exercise by running from the geese and not earning a single dollar for it. She loved her grandma and the vast majority of the animals on her farm, but this was just too far.

This time, the geese chased her all the way out to where the herd of cows were grazing in one of the pastures furthest away from the farmhouse, near to the fence line. Emma braced her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath. She hated those damn geese sometimes. Besides, her grandma may not have as much land as Mrs Greene did, but it was still a long way to be running for her life.

The cows mostly ignored her, keeping their heads down in case Emma was here to take them away from their food. The geese, sensing the fun was over, waddled amongst the herd. Emma shook her head at them, breathing hard.

As focused on trying to catch her breath as she was, Emma didn’t hear the thundering of hooves from behind her until they’d drawn quite close. She spun around as she registered it, her eyes widening in shock as she saw a lone horse charging at the fence, headed straight for her. It was black and white in color, tossing its head as it neared the obstacle in its path.

Emma wasn’t quite sure what was about to happen; whether the horse would stop or whether it would crash through the post and rail. When it came down to it, the horse did neither. Pushing off with its hind legs, it tucked up its knees and leapt – arcing up and clearing the four-foot high fence with ease. With a kick of its heels, the horse was landing on Nolan land and cantering in a wide circle around the cow herd.

The cows were interested now, jostling each other in wary curiosity at their new companion. The horse lowered its head, slowing to a walk and snorting as it approached a Friesian. Emma stood for what felt like an age (but was probably only five minutes), rooted to the spot and watching it all unfold. She didn’t know what to do. At last, her attention was pulled from the animals by a voice coming from the other side of the fence, and she turned her head to see a girl running after the horse.

It was Alyssa.

And suddenly, it all clicked. This horse must be the one Alyssa had mentioned the other day during their conversation. Clearly, it had gotten loose somehow and had decided to explore new territory, since Emma had never seen it before.

“Pebbles!” Alyssa shouted, and Emma furrowed her brow before she realized that Pebbles must be the horse’s name. “Get back here!”

Panting, Alyssa reached the fence and began to climb over. She paused, halfway over as she seemed to register Emma standing there for the first time. She gave her a half-hearted wave from where she was perched on top of the fence.

“Hi,” Emma said dumbly. Alyssa was wearing a pair of overalls over her shirt that cut off into shorts. Sturdy boots came up to her ankles, and she was holding a wide-brimmed hat in one of her hands. Even sweaty and out of breath from the run, she looked incredible.

“Hey,” Alyssa greeted sheepishly. “I, um, think my horse might be trespassing.”

“Oh. Right,” Emma cleared her throat, waving Alyssa down from the fence and pointing to where Pebbles was currently touching noses with Emma’s favorite cow.

“I’m so sorry,” Alyssa said as she approached. She drew to a halt besides Emma, whistling to her horse loudly. Pebbles appeared to ignore her for a moment, but then he flicked his tail and began to slowly make his way over to the two of them. “He usually just follows me around everywhere, I swear.”

“Looks like he decided otherwise today,” Emma said dryly.

“I was bringing him into his stall before it got too hot for him outside, but as soon as I opened the gate, he just galloped off this way,” Alyssa explained. “I guess he didn’t feel like going inside just yet.”

Emma swallowed nervously as Pebbles got closer. She wasn’t keen on horses, to say the least, but she didn’t exactly want to tell Alyssa that. Especially seeing as this was _her_ horse. Pebbles knocked Alyssa’s shoulder gently with his forehead, and she sighed.

“Emma, this is Pebbles,” she introduced. “Pebbles, this is Emma.”

Emma kept her distance, eyeing the horse warily as he stuck out his nose to try and sniff at her shirt. Pebbles was too tall for her liking, even though she knew rationally that horses could get taller than this one was. She didn’t know a lot about how horses were measured, but in her opinion, Pebbles needed to be smaller.

“Again, I’m really sorry about all this,” Alyssa continued, and Emma found her voice again.

“It’s okay,” she said, subconsciously taking a step behind Alyssa to put some distance between herself and Pebbles. “Just, um, how are you guys going to get back?”

Alyssa glanced around them, evidently coming to the same realization Emma had just had about the lack of gates along the fence line.

“Shit,” she said. She bit her lip in thought, and Emma’s eyes followed the movement without permission. “I shouldn’t let him jump the fence again. I guess I could always take him to the front of your farm and down the road back onto my mother’s land?”

“It’s probably safer,” Emma agreed, looking at the fence that she still couldn’t quite believe Alyssa’s horse had leapt clean over.

“The only problem is, I don’t want your grandmother to think I’m trespassing on purpose,” Alyssa considered.

“I’ll walk back with you,” Emma offered. “That way grandma won’t worry if she sees you and your horse.”

“Really?” Alyssa asked. “But if you’re busy out here…”

“I’m not,” Emma assured her quickly. “I just, um, came up to check on the herd.”

She left out the bit about the geese chasing her. There were some things that Alyssa didn’t need to know. Alyssa smiled gratefully at her, beckoning Emma over to the fence as the horse followed her.

Squashing the hat onto her head, Alyssa lined Pebbles up next to the fence. She climbed up a couple of rungs and threw her leg over his back, settling herself as if she’d ridden without a saddle or bridle a million times before.

Emma looked at her, thinking that between the boots, and the horse, and the Stetson, Alyssa Greene wouldn’t be out of place in an old cowboy movie. The thought made her laugh suddenly.

“Shut up,” Alyssa said, laughing too like she knew what Emma was thinking. “Don’t judge the hat, it keeps the sun out of my eyes. And I don’t know about you, but I’m too tired to walk back on my own two feet.”

“I’m fine,” Emma insisted, because she knew that Alyssa was about to ask if she wanted to ride back on Pebbles too, and she very much did not. “I can walk.”

Alyssa just shrugged. “Okay. If you’re sure.”

They began the slow walk back in relatively comfortable silence. Emma was at a complete loss for words – this morning had been so bizarre already, but she was glad that all the craziness meant that she had another opportunity to spend a bit more time with Alyssa. Even if she was completely lost for words right now.

Emma glanced up at Alyssa, who was looking around the farm with interest. Pebbles walked along quietly, and Emma hoped he would remain that way. Without tack, she had no idea how much control Alyssa actually had over him. If she didn’t know better, she’d say that Pebbles was looking around with just as much interest as his rider. Emma didn’t trust him.

“It’s not much,” Emma felt compelled to speak up as the house drew closer. She wasn’t usually self-conscious about the run-down state of her grandma’s farm, but she’d noticed how fancy Alyssa’s house was, and how far her mom’s property stretched.

“No, I—” Alyssa paused with a smile. “I like it. It seems really… warm.”

“Well, grandma Nolan sure knows how to make a house a home,” Emma said, thinking about all the little knick-knacks and home-stitched cushion covers that filled the farmhouse. It certainly felt more like home than her parents’ house did, which was one of the reasons that Emma – despite the early starts – really did enjoy helping out on the farm.

“I’ve only met her in passing a few times as a kid,” Alyssa said. “But she seems like an amazing woman.”

“She is,” Emma said fondly. “I’ve been giving her a hand over the last few years, not that she’d admit she needs help around here.”

“I didn’t know,” Alyssa said. “I guess it shows that I don’t usually come near the boundary fence, huh?”

“Why not?” Emma was actually pretty curious about that, now that she thought about it.

“My mother likes keeping me close to the house, even when she’s out,” Alyssa sighed. “I guess maybe I thought that she’d somehow know if I strayed too close to ‘enemy territory’.”

She made the air quotes with her hands, perfectly in balance on Pebbles’ back.

“Well, I’m not condoning his trespassing, but maybe if Pebbles were to stray more often then by extension you’d end up visiting more?” Emma wasn’t quite sure where the confidence, or the pseudo-invitation had come from, but the truth was that Alyssa had been pretty much constantly on her mind since their conversation at the fair, and she found herself really wanting to spend more time with her.

They probably wouldn’t be able to be friends at school; Emma wasn’t naïve enough to believe that it would be as simple as that. Not with Kaylee and Shelby, as well as the vast majority of the other students around. But here… here they were far away from the judgemental eyes of their classmates. Deep down, in the part of her that thought that she might have a crush on Alyssa, Emma also knew that the chances of her being into girls were slim to none, but being friends would be enough.

“Maybe I would,” Alyssa said, catching on to what Emma had meant. “And maybe if you needed an extra pair of hands around the farm, then my mother wouldn’t have to know.”

Alyssa suddenly went pale.

“Oh, god, my mother. She’ll be wondering where I am, I was only meant to be bringing Pebbles in and then going back inside!”

“Hey, Alyssa,” Emma tried to calm her, because Pebbles was clearly picking up on Alyssa’s nerves. He quickened his walk, snorting anxiously with his head high and his eyes wide, and it made Emma wary. “It’s okay, I can explain it to her.”

Alyssa shook her head frantically. “No, that would just make it worse. My mother, she… she doesn’t exactly like you.”

“Oh,” Emma said. In truth, she wasn’t too surprised, but hearing Alyssa confirm it still made her palms start to sweat. Did Mrs Greene somehow know she was gay? Had she told Alyssa to stay away for that very reason?

“I’m sorry,” Alyssa said. “I’m going to have to take my chances with your grandma. If I’m not back before mom goes to work then she might never let me out of her sight again!”

“It’s okay, I get it,” Emma said, because Alyssa looked like she was waiting for her permission to go on ahead, and Emma really didn’t want to get her into trouble. “Alyssa, go.”

Alyssa nodded at her, grabbing two handfuls of Pebbles’ mane as she clicked her tongue at him. Pebbles pricked his ears, pushing off into a powerful canter immediately and leaving Emma in his dust. She watched Alyssa ride away past the farmhouse and out of the front gate, disappearing from sight around the corner soon after.

It took Emma a little while to get back to the farmhouse. Distantly, she remembered that the geese were probably still up with the cows, but she knew her grandma wouldn’t be worried about that. Betsy Nolan was the only person that those damn geese actually liked, so they wouldn’t risk leaving the farm and – by extension – her.

She pushed open the front door, taking her boots off and leaving them on the rack. Her grandma may own a farm, but she still operated a strict ‘no shoes in the house’ policy. Emma padded down the hallway in her socks through to the kitchen, where her grandma was laying the table for breakfast. Weekend breakfasts had become their thing, especially on Sundays when Emma’s parents were at church. Betsy didn’t go to church anymore, and neither did Emma.

It wasn’t that Emma hated religion, but she’d never felt comfortable in church – even before she’d come to the realization that she was gay. She suspected that she’d feel just as uncomfortable in any other kind of religious setting, but the bible-thumping nature of the town meant that church was pretty much be the last place Emma would want to be come tomorrow.

She wasn’t sure why her grandma didn’t go these days – she’d never actually said, and every time Emma had asked about it the question would be brushed aside. So, eventually, she’d stopped asking. Still, it weighed on her mind sometimes.

“You took your time,” Betsy said with a grin.

“The geese,” Emma said, by way of explanation.

“Oh, I see,” Betsy said as Emma took a seat. “And here I was thinking Alyssa Greene charging past my house on that horse of hers not ten minutes ago might’ve had something to do with it.”

Emma did her best not to choke on the bite of toast she’d just taken. “Oh. That.”

“Yes, that,” her grandma laughed. “Mind letting the old woman in on what it was all about?”

“Pebbles, Alyssa’s horse, escaped and jumped the fence over by where the cows are grazing,” Emma explained. “Alyssa didn’t want him jumping back over so we were walking here so she could go around the front, but then she remembered that her mother was expecting her back so I sent her on before she could panic too much.”

Betsy pursed her lips thoughtfully. “I do feel sorry for that girl sometimes, the kind of woman her mother is and all.”

“You mean spiteful and rude?” Emma filled in the blanks, having heard a lot about her grandma’s opinion of Mrs Greene over the years. “Wait, you knew that Alyssa has a horse?”

“I hear him whinnying during the day sometimes, if I’m near the fence line.” Betsy said. “Only ever while you kids are at school.”

“Really?” Emma found the specific timing a little surprising.

“It’s like he’s calling out for somebody,” her grandma’s voice was softer now.

“Do you think he gets lonely or something?” Emma asked quietly.

Betsy nodded. “I think he does. And I don’t think he’s the only one.”

Emma wasn’t quite sure to whom exactly her grandma was referring, but she felt strangely exposed as she took another bite of her food. Betsy Nolan often knew a lot more than she let on about certain things; Emma was almost positive she knew that she was a lesbian, and she didn’t quite know how to feel about it.

“I think that Alyssa Greene is in need of a farm education, don’t you?” her grandmother continued briskly, the heaviness to her previous words completely gone.

“What?”

“I daresay her mother keeps her under lock and key, trying to bubble-wrap her, but there ain’t none of that here on the farm,” Betsy shrugged, squeezing Emma’s shoulder as she finally sat down. “I think it might be good for her, is all. Think about it.”

Emma was pretty sure this was her grandma’s way of trying to push her and Alyssa towards each other. In what way, Emma didn’t know, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t want to spend her weekends with Alyssa.

Resolving to ask Alyssa about it the next time she saw her, Emma went back to her food, unable to stop a slow smile from spreading across her face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who read the first chapter! i know it can be hard getting onboard when the work is unfinished etc so it means a lot that you checked it out! here's chapter two of the cursed-turned-wholesome au that maria and i gave birth to!
> 
> also i'd like to tell chris that there's a little cameo in this chapter just for her

A week later, Alyssa got to speak to Emma again.

She wanted to apologize for rushing off like she had last time, but even during summer vacation it seemed that Emma only helped out on the farm at weekends, and the week since their last encounter had dragged by slower than Alyssa had ever thought possible. As soon as her mother left for work on Saturday morning, though, Alyssa fetched Pebbles’ tack from the little room in the barn. She balanced the saddle on the stable door, taking the bridle into the stall with her.

Pebbles pricked his ears with interest and Alyssa grinned at him.

“Ready for a visit to the fence line?” she asked him. “No jumping over it this time.”

Pebbles looked at her with what could have been an indignant expression. Alyssa finished putting the bridle on, then slung the saddle carefully over his back before leading him out to the step-stool she used to get on. He wasn’t a particularly tall horse; his withers, just in front of the saddle, didn’t quite come up to the top of Alyssa’s head, but she still preferred not to try and get on him from the ground.

Settling in the well-worn saddle, Alyssa gathered up the reins as she pointed Pebbles in the same direction he’d galloped off in the previous weekend. This time, she made him walk most of the way, only letting him break into a trot when they were close to the fence. She scanned the fields on the other side of the fence for Emma, frowning when she didn’t see her.

Of course, just because Emma had been in this spot last time, didn’t mean she would be today. Maybe she’d even gotten the wrong spot. The cow herd was visible in the distance, grazing further away from the fence than they had been the previous week. Alyssa scrunched up her face, deep in thought. Would it be stalkerish to take Pebbles along the fence line in the hopes that she’d run into Emma?

Deciding that she could just pretend she was letting Pebbles stretch his legs around her mother’s land, Alyssa squeezed at his sides with her calves, pointing him in the direction of the farmhouse.

She went as slowly as she could make Pebbles go, wanting to give Emma as much time as possible to make an appearance. Pebbles didn’t seem to appreciate this – he jogged along impatiently, itching for a good chase across the fields.

Alyssa was about a hundred feet out from the farmhouse when she saw her. Emma had just started yelling profanities at a bunch of geese, who were crowding around her with a surprising amount of menace given their small size. She looked a bit frazzled, backing away from the advancing flock, and Alyssa couldn’t help the laughter that escaped her.

Emma was evidently holding their breakfast, because she eventually decided to just drop the bucket she was carrying and run. She turned on her heel and made a break for it, heading in Alyssa’s direction. Alyssa saw the exact moment Emma spotted her; Emma stumbled in surprise before recovering, continuing on her path to the fence.

The sleeves of Emma’s plaid shirt were pushed above her elbows, one of them slipping down determinedly as she approached. Her jeans were already streaked with dirt, as was her face, and Alyssa wasn’t sure whether or not she should ask about it.

“You good?” she asked instead, once Emma was close enough.

Emma smiled ruefully in return. “I really don’t like those geese sometimes.”

“Do they do that a lot? Attack you, I mean.”

“You know how last week I said I was just checking on the cow herd?” Emma sighed, leaning against the rail. “Well, the truth is that the geese actually chased me up there. I didn’t want to tell you because it was embarrassing, but I guess now you’ve seen them in action…” Emma sent a quick glare over her shoulder.

“So what you’re saying is that yes, they do that a lot,” Alyssa laughed, not as surprised by the revelation as Emma probably thought she would be.

“They’re insane,” Emma said defensively. “And determined to humiliate me, I guess.”

Alyssa shrugged. “I don’t think any less of you for admitting defeat to them, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

She was only teasing, but the faint blush that spread across Emma’s cheeks made her realize that she meant it, too. She didn’t know Emma that well but if anything, things like this just endeared her even more to Alyssa.

Pebbles pawed at the ground with one of his front hooves, and Emma flinched. Alyssa had gotten the impression the previous week that Pebbles made her nervous, and she made a promise to herself there and then that she would do everything she could to get Emma more comfortable around him.

“Do you need a hand?” Alyssa asked. Emma looked up in surprise, and Alyssa was about to take back her offer in panic when she laughed in disbelief.

“Actually, I’d been meaning to ask you if you wouldn’t mind helping out,” Emma said. “Full disclosure, my grandma thinks you need a ‘farm education’, whatever that means.”

“That’s sweet of her, I think,” Alyssa said. “I’d love to help out. Pebbles is the only company I have on Saturdays, so it would be nice to have an actual human being to talk to.”

“He can come too,” Emma said, although she still looked at the horse warily. “Just, um, come around the front and we can get started.”

 

The first job, it turned out, was to move the sheep to a different field, since they’d eaten the grass completely down to the ground in the pasture they were currently in. Alyssa, along with Emma, tried to encourage them in the right direction on foot, to no avail. The sheep weren’t acting like typical sheep, and each of them seemed to have their own individual plan of which direction they wanted to go in.

Eventually, they figured out that Pebbles actually made a pretty decent substitute for a sheepdog. He seemed to think it was a fun game; Alyssa on his back, steering him to cut off stragglers at Emma’s command. Between them, they eventually managed to move the flock to where it was meant to be. Pebbles snorted, tossing his head at the sheep who were completely ignoring him in favor of all the fresh grass they’d suddenly discovered.

“I can’t believe that worked,” Emma said, breathing quite hard from the effort.

“How do you normally move them?” Alyssa asked, wiping some sweat off of her forehead. It hadn’t been particularly fast work, but the sun was pretty high in the sky by now and the temperature was rising fast.

“I don’t,” Emma said. “My grandma usually does that during the week, but I guess it got left until today this time.”

“What other jobs have you got to do now?”

“Stuff closer to the house, thankfully,” Emma said. “Mostly just cleaning and tidying the barn and sweeping the yard.”

“Now _that_ I can do,” Alyssa said. “Oh, is there anywhere I can put Pebbles while we get on with all that? It’s probably best that he gets somewhere in the shade.”

Pebbles’ tail was flicking back and forth almost constantly now that the flies were being drawn to him; something that he didn’t seem all that pleased about. Alyssa knew he would be glad to get out of the sun.

“Yeah, he can go in one of the stalls in the barn,” Emma said. “I think the previous owners of this place had horses, decades ago now, but we use them for the other animals most of the time.”

They walked back to the yard in easy silence, and Alyssa was surprised at just how quickly they’d gelled as a team. It was almost like they’d been friends for years. Although, it made Alyssa wonder if they could actually be classed as friends yet. She hoped they could. Despite the hard work, she’d really enjoyed today so far. Maybe this could be a regular thing, even. She’d get to spend her Saturdays actually being productive and getting her hands dirty and as a bonus, she’d get to hang out with Emma.

Best of all, her mother was at work, so she didn’t even have to know about it.

After she’d untacked Pebbles and left him in the stall with a bucket of water, she and Emma got started on the rest of the jobs. No normal person would have called it fun work, but it made Alyssa the happiest she could remember being in a while. Maybe it was the feeling of accomplishment, maybe it was the smiles that Emma would keep sending her way as they worked, or maybe it was the freedom that came with being off her mother’s land – even if she was technically just next door.

By the time they were done, Alyssa could hear Emma’s stomach rumbling even standing a short distance away. She and Emma made eye contact, bursting into laughter at the same time. Emma buried her head in her hands.

“I guess it’s probably time for lunch,” she sighed. “Thanks for the heads-up, body, it’s not like I fed you this morning or anything.”

Alyssa shuffled, suddenly unsure what she should do. Now that Emma’s jobs were done, did she expect her to go back home? Or could she stay for lunch and use the afternoon to hang out with Emma instead? Alyssa definitely knew which option she’d prefer, but she didn’t know what was going on inside Emma’s head.

Emma started walking in the direction of the farmhouse. She turned back when she seemed to notice that Alyssa hadn’t moved.

“Are you… do you want to come in for lunch?” she asked. “I think my grandma is making sandwiches.”

“I’d love to,” Alyssa said, relieved beyond rational explanation as she followed Emma across the yard and towards to the house. Emma beamed at her, and Alyssa’s stomach flipped. That was weird; it had never done that before. Maybe she had just really worked up an appetite or something, Alyssa reasoned, trying her best to ignore something in the back of her mind that told her she knew exactly what had caused the feeling.

Emma took off her boots as soon as she entered the house, motioning for Alyssa to do the same. Alyssa started to feel nervous. While she’d encountered Emma’s grandma a few times over the years, she’d never been in her house before. She didn’t even know if Betsy was _expecting_ her to be in her house.

Letting Emma lead her through to the kitchen, Alyssa tried to squash down her sudden nerves. She and Emma were surely friends now, sort of, hopefully, so that had to count for something. Betsy Nolan turned her head from where she was stood at the counter, enough bread laid out in front of her to feed an army. Her eyes crinkled warmly when she saw Alyssa standing there beside Emma.

“Alyssa Greene,” she said, putting down the butter knife she was holding and wiping her hands on her apron. She came over and shook Alyssa’s hand firmly. “You look and smell like you’ve been rolling around in dirt.”

Slightly shell-shocked, Alyssa glanced down at her clothes to see them streaked in mud and probably a million other things. Her mother would kill her if she ever saw her like this. “Sorry, ma’am.”

Betsy laughed heartily. “Don’t apologize. Sign of a morning’s labor. I don’t let Emma in the house if she’s still clean after her chores!”

She winked conspiratorially, so Alyssa didn’t know how true that actually was. She looked over to see that Emma’s cheeks were just as red as Alyssa suspected her own were. “Right.”

“And don’t call me ma’am,” Emma’s grandma added with a scoff. “Betsy will do. It’s my name, after all. You kids hungry?”

“Starving,” Emma said pointedly.

“Yeah, Emma’s stomach sounded very demanding,” Alyssa said, biting her lip to stop herself from laughing when Emma glared weakly at her.

“I know, I could hear it from in here,” Betsy chuckled, clearly getting a kick out of winding Emma up.

“I just knew you two would hit it off,” Emma groaned.

Betsy’s eyes glinted mischievously, and Alyssa felt her nerves melt away. She decided then and there that she really liked Emma’s grandma.

“Go clean up a bit, then,” she said, shooing them with her hands. “I’m making more than enough for three.”

“Come on,” Emma said to Alyssa. “Upstairs bathroom is bigger.”

Alyssa let Emma lead the way, as she’d been content to do all morning. Once they got to the bathroom, Emma turned on the hot water. While she was waiting for it to heat up, she presented something to Alyssa which she’d taken off the shelf above the basin.

“A chicken?” Alyssa furrowed her brow, reaching out to touch the little ceramic object.

“It’s a soap holder,” Emma said, taking the bar of soap out from underneath it. “Grandma’s got stuff like this all over the house. I think she collects weird little knick-knacks or something.”

“I love it,” Alyssa said, stroking the tip of her index finger over the chicken’s cold feathers. It was such a random little object, but it fit so well in this house. Just like everything else seemed to.

Together, they washed the worst of the dust and grime off their hands and faces. Alyssa knew her clothes were still dirty, and working outside in the heat had made her feel uncomfortably sweaty, but she could deal with it for now until she was able to shower later. Besides, it was kind of a nice change from coming in after cleaning out Pebbles’ stall and have to immediately scrub the dirt away in case her mother came home from work and wrinkled her nose in disapproval before she even greeted her. Not once in her life had Alyssa been able to feel like a kid on a farm, getting muddy just because she could. No, she’d always had to be pristine. It felt almost cathartic to just _be,_ as weird as it would have sounded had she tried to explain it to anyone.

She’d only been in this house for a short amount of time, but already Alyssa felt as if it was a place where she could just exist, without the fears that plagued her in her very own home. She didn’t know exactly why that was, but more and more she had a sneaking feeling that it was due in part to the girl standing next to her, who was currently trying to put a slippery bar of soap back into its place beneath a ceramic chicken.

Alyssa watched her grow more and more flustered with a small smile. Finally, Emma succeeded, and turned to Alyssa with a sheepish look on her face. Her cheeks were tinged pink, and her hairline was still damp from where she’d washed her face. Alyssa’s stomach flipped again when Emma bit her lip.

“Ready to go back downstairs?” she asked. Alyssa made a slightly strangled noise in her throat that she hoped Emma would take as an affirmation. She didn’t know what was wrong with her – only that the feeling of wrongness was back at the same time as the newer feeling of rightness, and it was a bit overwhelming.

Walking out of the bathroom and down the stairs in a bit of a trance, Alyssa thought that food might be just the distraction she needed.

 

* * *

 

Emma was a bit unsure of what to do after lunch. She didn’t have any more jobs to do until the evening, and Saturday afternoons were usually spent hanging out with her grandma. But she was really enjoying having Alyssa over and found herself not wanting to lose her company just yet. Her whole day had seemed so much brighter with Alyssa around.

The way things ended up, the three of them sat around the kitchen table talking for what felt like hours. Betsy was very good at picking up conversation when Emma felt awkward, engaging Alyssa in various discussions. Alyssa, for her part, seemed to have gotten over any apprehension she’d had about Betsy – the two of them really had hit it off very well.

Emma was glad that her grandma seemed to like Alyssa, at any rate.

After a while, Alyssa got a text that seemed to concern her. She pushed her chair back and stood abruptly once she’d read it, pocketing her phone hurriedly.

“My mom’s on her way home,” she said, eyebrows pinched together. “She doesn’t normally get out of work for another few hours, I—”

“Run on home,” Betsy encouraged. “And don’t forget to take your horse with you.”

“I’ll help,” Emma offered, because as much as she still didn’t really like Pebbles, Alyssa seemed panicked enough to need assistance even if Emma only ended up being there for reassurance.

Alyssa nodded at her gratefully before turning her attention to Betsy. “Thank you so much for lunch, and everything. The farm education.”

Betsy cackled at that. “Come around next weekend and I’m sure we could find more jobs for you to do.”

“I will,” Alyssa promised, and Emma felt a rush of excitement go through her at the prospect of spending more time with Alyssa soon.

Emma pulled on her boots, Alyssa doing the same right before she booked it across the yard to the barn where they’d put Pebbles earlier. Alyssa went about grabbing the tack that Emma was positive she wouldn’t be any help with, putting it on the confused horse with a bit of a frantic air.

“How much time do you have?” Emma asked.

“Less than fifteen minutes,” Alyssa said. “I need to put Pebbles away and change. She can’t see my clothes like this, Emma, she’ll know I’ve been over here and then she’ll kill me.”

“Just breathe,” Emma said, hanging over the stable door as Alyssa cinched the girth around Pebbles’ belly. “You can make it.”

“I’m so sorry,” Alyssa sighed heavily. “It feels like I’m always running out on you.”

“It’s okay, your mom hates me,” Emma shrugged. “And I think I know why.”

Alyssa frowned in confusion. “You do? Cause I have _no_ idea.”

Emma froze. She was now pretty sure Mrs Greene knew she was a lesbian, at least on some level, so if she hadn’t told Alyssa… then it was likely Alyssa genuinely didn’t know. Emma wondered if she would treat her any different if she did.

“Whatever her reason is, it’s probably a bullshit one,” Alyssa continued. Pebbles now ready, Emma opened the stable door for them. Alyssa paused for a moment, a conflicted look on her face, and then she surged forwards and threw her arms around Emma’s shoulders. Stunned, Emma didn’t even have time to hug her back before Alyssa was pulling away with a sudden shy expression on her face.

“See you next Saturday?” Emma asked hopefully, doing her best to control the shake in her voice. She knew from their earlier discussions around the table that Alyssa would be subjected to church and the rest of the day with her mother tomorrow, and Emma was going to be at her parents’ house until next weekend, so next Saturday would probably be the earliest they could hang out again.

“See you then,” Alyssa confirmed, lining Pebbles up to face the barn doors. She put one foot in the stirrup closest to her and swung herself up onto the horse’s back, having just about enough time to smile at Emma over her shoulder before Pebbles – already anxious with what he’d picked up off Alyssa – surged forwards.

For the second time in as many weeks, Emma watched as Alyssa made a quick getaway back home in an attempt to avoid her mother’s suspicion. Her thoughts were swirling at a million miles a minute. Alyssa had all but confirmed that she didn’t know Emma was gay. Alyssa had hugged her. Alyssa had spent most of the day with her, and Emma had never been happier.

But most importantly, there was no point even trying to deny it to herself now.

Emma definitely had a crush on her.

 

Accepting the fact that she was, in fact, that cliched lesbian who fell for the straight girl took a little while for Emma. The whole week, in fact.

Luckily, she’d managed to somewhat come to terms with it by the time she saw Alyssa again, otherwise Emma didn’t know how she would have coped around her. As it was, she was suddenly even more aware of the little things when it came to Alyssa; like if she smiled wide enough a dimple appeared in her cheek, or the little flyaway hairs that stuck to her forehead when it started to get hot out.

With Alyssa’s help, Emma’s chores seemed to fly by and before she knew it, they were heading inside for lunch. Having received confirmation from her mother that last week’s early finish had been a one-off, Alyssa was a lot calmer at the table this time around.

“I have to run out to get some food for the geese,” Betsy told them, just as Emma and Alyssa were finishing their meals. “I trust you girls will be alright on your own?”

Emma’s eyes shot up to meet her grandma’s in a slight panic. Betsy just smiled back at her with an expression that was far too innocent. Great, Emma thought. Her grandma was definitely up to something.

“Yeah, we’ll be fine,” Emma said, before the silence could stretch on for too long.

“Alyssa, did you know that Emma’s room has the best view of the farm in the whole house?” Betsy asked, somewhat pointedly.

Emma wanted to die.

“I didn’t,” Alyssa said. Emma could hear a smile in her voice. She didn’t want to chance a glance at Alyssa in case the heat she could feel in her cheeks gave her away, but at least Betsy didn’t seem to be weirding her out too badly.

“Right then, I’ll see you girls later,” Betsy said cheerfully, standing from the table and moving through to the living room to get her purse. Emma sat frozen in her chair, wondering what the hell she was supposed to do now. Sure, she’d been alone with Alyssa before – but somehow this felt very different.

Emma wasn’t entirely sure why. Maybe it was because she was becoming increasingly aware of how much she liked Alyssa. Maybe it was the prospect of Alyssa actually being in her room, even though clearly nothing was going to happen between them. Although, was Alyssa even expecting to go to Emma’s room now, or had she just assumed that Betsy had been joking?

The sound of the front door closing broke Emma out of her reverie. She jerked slightly, catching Alyssa’s eye by accident and hoping her embarrassment wasn’t too obvious. Of course, being pale despite all the work outdoors in the sun meant that when she blushed, everyone and their parents within a fifty-mile radius noticed.

“So, uh, is it really the best view?” Alyssa asked. Emma swallowed as she nodded.

“We can hang out there until grandma gets back, if you want,” she said, before she could second-guess herself even more.

To Emma’s relief, a smile spread across Alyssa’s face at the suggestion. “That sounds nice, yeah.”

As they climbed the stairs, Emma became aware that it had been several days since she’d been in the bedroom she had at her grandma’s house and she couldn’t remember if she’d left it tidy or not. In her defence, she’d never really had a guest in her room before, let alone the room she only spent a night or two per week in.

Thankfully, her bedroom was in pretty good order. It was a modest size and the walls were painted a light blue color that calmed Emma to look at. There was a window opposite her bed that looked out over the farm, and Betsy hadn’t been lying when she’d said it was the best view in the house.

In the distance, Emma could see the herd of cows grazing peacefully. She could pick out her favorite from where she stood, standing with this spring’s calf close by. Emma watched Alyssa look out over the land, and it was weird how strangely peaceful this moment was.

Emma turned back to watch the cows and, as a result, didn’t notice Alyssa’s attention shifting to peer around the room until she let out a soft gasp.

“You play guitar?”

“Huh?” Emma said, her brain only just catching up to what Alyssa had asked.

Alyssa nodded towards the instrument carefully laid out on Emma’s bed. That was weird, Emma thought; last time she’d checked, the guitar had been put safely on its stand in the corner out of the way. For what felt like the millionth time today, she felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her.

“I—yeah, I do, a little,” Emma said, one hand coming up to rub the back of her neck. “I’m not very good, though.”

Alyssa just smiled at her, in that disarming way Emma wasn’t sure she was even aware of. “I bet you’re great.”

Emma laughed a little bit, more out of nerves than anything else.

“Your grandma was right about the view, by the way,” Alyssa said. “It’s beautiful.”

“I wish I got to look at it for more than just a couple days at a time,” Emma admitted quietly. “When I look out the window at my parents’ place, I just see other houses.”

“How come you’re only here at the weekends?” Alyssa asked. She sounded hesitant. “I mean, there’s no school to go to right now.”

Emma sighed. “My parents… they aren’t always the greatest people. They’re trying, I think, but I’m hoping that the more I can be around them, the better our relationship will be.”

“That’s good. That they’re trying,” Alyssa encouraged.

Emma smiled tiredly, sitting down on the edge of her bed. “I guess. I just feel like they want me to be someone else. Someone I’m really not.”

She knew that her parents wanted her to be less of a tomboy, which felt like code for ‘less of a lesbian’, despite Emma not having actually come out to her parents. Technically, Emma had yet to come out to anyone, but she felt like it would be a moot point if she did. Kids at school already whispered slurs behind her back, so was there any point in coming out and confirming the rumors she’d heard about herself?

“I feel the same way about my mom,” Alyssa said, coming to sit next to her on the bed. “She doesn’t say it, but she always seems so disappointed in me. It’s like nothing I do is ever good enough.”

“But… you’re on the cheer squad. You’re on student council. You’re top of the class,” Emma protested. “You take dance classes, you have a damn horse… in what world does doing all that make you not good enough?”

Alyssa just blinked at her. “You know all that about me?”

“You mentioned most of it, at the fair,” Emma shrugged. “I guess I just remembered.”

“That was a good day,” Alyssa said softly.

“Yeah?”

Alyssa nodded. Emma couldn’t look away from her eyes; it was like Alyssa was holding her in place without even trying. Her heart stuttered in her chest when she realized how close Alyssa was sitting to her. She felt utterly useless. The air was heavy around them, so much so that it made Emma scramble for words to break the tension she wasn’t sure if she was imagining.

“Sorry if I was too… about my parents, I didn’t mean to dump it all on you,” she said, not even sure what it was exactly she was trying to say.

“No, it’s fine,” Alyssa assured her. “I get it, believe me.”

And although their situations were probably pretty different, Emma didn’t doubt the truth in what Alyssa was saying. Something in the way she said it, too, made Emma wonder if there was more to it than Alyssa was letting on. Maybe even something she herself was unaware of.

Alyssa’s eyes flickered to the guitar again. “Could you… I mean, would you mind playing something?”

“You want me to play guitar for you?” Emma was dumbstruck.

“Only if you’d be comfortable with it,” Alyssa clarified. “I don’t know, I think there’s just something about an acoustic guitar that’s really calming.”

“Okay,” Emma said, reaching for the instrument and praying she hadn’t suddenly forgotten how to play since last weekend. It always annoyed her parents when she played guitar at home, so she kept it at her grandma’s house instead and therefore it was entirely possible she would be a bit rusty.

Settling the guitar in her lap, Emma kept her eyes firmly on the fretboard as she started to pick out individual notes of a few chords. It wasn’t any particular song she was playing, just a chord progression that was generalised enough to sound like one. She didn’t dare look at Alyssa, because she was right; the sound was calming, but it also felt like a weirdly intimate thing to be doing. She’d never played for anyone outside of family before. In fact, nobody except her grandma had specifically _asked_ her to play for them. Emma relaxed a bit as she continued, finding herself getting lost in the music; humming along to a tune she didn’t even know existed.

She finished her impromptu piece by strumming the first chord she’d played in the progression, letting the sound ring out as she finally looked up to meet Alyssa’s eyes. Emma’s throat closed up when she saw the look on her face.

Alyssa was staring at her with wide eyes, her lips slightly parted in what could have been surprise. She swallowed hard, blinking a few times as if she was trying to clear her mind of something. It concerned Emma slightly, but her overwhelming feeling was one of confusion. She didn’t know what that look meant, or even if it was good or bad.

As if breaking from a trance, Alyssa suddenly lost the faraway look in her eyes.

“You were wrong, before,” she said quietly. “You really are very good.”

 

* * *

 

Alyssa’s mind and heart were both racing.

Holy shit.

It really shouldn’t have affected her like this. Emma had literally just been playing guitar, humming along in her own little world… and it had been mesmerizing. Suddenly, Alyssa hadn’t been able to think of anything else but Emma.

Emma’s smile, and her messy hair, and the earnest look she always had in her eyes. A million images had gone through her head – so quickly that it had made her dizzy. One of them stuck with her, though.

An image, in her mind’s eye, of Emma cupping Alyssa’s face in her hands as she leaned in to kiss her.

That thought, however fleeting it had been, had made her chest ache with longing and her breath catch in her throat. And suddenly, it was like everything that Alyssa hadn’t been able to piece together about herself had just slotted into place.

Now, Alyssa realized that Emma had stopped playing and was looking at her in concern. She managed a feeble compliment on Emma’s musical skill, but Emma still wore that same look on her face. Alyssa didn’t know what to do.

She knew what she _wanted_ to do.

She wanted to kiss Emma, and that thought terrified her. Still, she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like. Were Emma’s lips as soft as they looked? Would she kiss her back? Alyssa forced herself to meet Emma’s eyes, her own gaze having dropped momentarily to her mouth.

“Are you okay?” Emma asked.

Alyssa nodded weakly. Everything was fine, except for the fact that she’d just realized that she was attracted to the only person she felt she could truly be herself around – and that person was a girl. She and Emma hadn’t even been friends that long; their conversation at the summer fair had only been a few weeks ago, after all. Would this ruin their friendship already?

Unless… what if, by some miracle, Emma felt the same way?

Alyssa didn’t even know if Emma liked girls. She’d heard rumors, of course, but high schools students gossiped about anything and everything. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t considered the _possibility_ that Emma was gay, but she hadn’t wanted to make any assumptions. She hadn’t really wanted to confront the possibility either, for fear of stirring up thoughts that she tried to keep squashed down in her own mind. Although, now that she thought about it, it could explain why her mom seemed to hate Emma so much – if she believed the rumors or had come to a similar conclusion as the students by herself.

Her head hurt.

Oh god. Her mom. If the reason she didn’t like Emma _was_ because she suspected she was gay, what would she do if she knew about the thoughts racing through Alyssa’s mind right now? She didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t want to think about any of this right now.

Alyssa didn’t realize her breathing had grown shallower until Emma was putting the guitar down, scooting closer to her and placing a hesitant hand on her shoulder.

“Alyssa, what’s wrong?”

She shook her head frantically. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“This doesn’t look fine,” Emma said, concern lacing her voice.

Alyssa closed her eyes. This would be so much easier if Emma wasn’t so damn nice. If Emma was an asshole, then she probably wouldn’t have even gotten a stupid crush on her in the first place. But in reality, Emma was kind and smart and endearing – and beautiful. She was so beautiful that it made Alyssa’s chest ache.

But she couldn’t even begin to put into words what was going on in her mind right now. She wasn’t sure she even wanted to try. Right now, she just wanted to curl up in a ball and stop thinking about Emma, and what her mom would say if she found out her daughter might be _gay_.

Alyssa didn’t know what she was – had tried never to really think about it. She didn’t know what this crush (because as new as the realization was, it was definitely a crush) made her. She’d never experienced a reaction so strong to anyone before and her head was a mess. The only thing that made sense was Emma, and that was scary.

“You’re shaking,” Emma said.

“I am?”

Emma nodded at her, and Alyssa looked down at her hands to see that they were, in fact, trembling.

“Alyssa, look at me, okay?”

She forced herself to look into Emma’s eyes; so warm and yet so full of worry. It crossed Alyssa’s mind briefly that maybe she finally understood the sentiment of getting lost in someone’s eyes. There was so much depth in Emma’s that it was hard not to.

“Take deep breaths with me,” Emma encouraged. Alyssa complied, matching Emma’s breathing as best she could. It helped, having someone to copy, and Emma’s breathing was steadier than most.

After a while, Alyssa felt the fog in her brain recede. The anxiety over the self-discovery she’d made was still there, but she didn’t feel as panicked now. For the moment, Alyssa could almost forget about how difficult this crush was going to make things. It was just her and Emma, as friends, and it was okay.

 

When she got back home a few hours later, Alyssa went straight upstairs to shower off the day’s dust and dirt. Apart from needing wash off the evidence of the work she’d been doing today, it felt good to just stand under the spray of hot water and pretend that all her worries and anxieties were going down the drain too.

They weren’t, of course, but picturing it definitely helped.

By the time her mother got home, Alyssa was feeling pretty good. She’d given Pebbles his dinner and let him outside, she’d tidied the little bit of clutter in her bedroom, and she’d put on a load of laundry which included the clothes she’d worn over to the Nolan farm.

“Hello, sweetie,” her mom said as she entered the living room, carefully placing her handbag down.

Alyssa gave her what she hoped was a relaxed smile, having just sat down on the couch.

“Hi, mom,” she said. “How was work?”

“Slow, quite frankly,” her mom replied with a sigh. She stopped suddenly, frowning. “Alyssa, why is there dirt on the carpet?”

Alyssa’s blood ran cold. She must have tracked it in on her boots from the farm. “It must’ve come from Pebbles’ field when I put him out.”

“You know we have a no boots in the house policy,” her mother scolded. “I’m going to have to clean it before I start dinner to make sure it doesn’t stain.”

She tutted under her breath, unbuttoning the blazer that Alyssa didn’t know how she could stand to wear in the summer.

“Mom, I can clean it,” Alyssa offered. “It was me who—”

“No, it’s fine,” her mom said, voice tight. “I’ll do it, just like I’ve done everything in this house since your father…”

She trailed off, but Alyssa knew what she was going to say. “I can start dinner, then?” she offered instead.

“No, just…” her mom sighed heavily. “Go make yourself useful and clean your room. It was a mess when I looked in there before work this morning.”

Fighting back the urge to retort that she _had_ cleaned her room (which hadn’t even been that messy to begin with), Alyssa nodded stiffly. She walked up the stairs, frustration boiling in her veins, and sat down on the edge of her bed.

A few sentences of somewhat pleasant conversation were all she’d gotten before the complaints had started. Kicking herself for forgetting to take her boots off at the door, Alyssa flopped backwards. It wasn’t fair.

After ten minutes of lying there and feeling a storm brewing inside of her, Alyssa stood up and made her way back downstairs. She walked straight past the door to the kitchen, where her mom was now cooking dinner, and made for the back door.

She pulled on some sneakers that she’d left there on a previous occasion and slipped out towards Pebbles’ field. She felt bad about the energy she was sure she was giving off, especially as her horse raised his head in worry as soon as she got close, but she couldn’t think of anyone else she could turn to.

If Alyssa were braver, she’d go next door and vent her frustrations to Emma. The conversation they’d had about their respective parents made her feel like Emma would understand what she was feeling right now, but it scared her just how much she wanted to confide in her.

As she reached out a hand to scratch behind Pebbles’ ear, it all hit her.

Her anger towards her mom, her guilt that she wasn’t somehow  _more_ , her fear over the whole Emma situation. This afternoon had triggered feelings that Alyssa had tried so hard to repress. She couldn’t be gay. Being gay, in Indiana of all places, was something that Alyssa was not keen to become her reality.

Alyssa screwed her eyes shut as she tried in vain to choke back a sudden sob. This couldn’t be happening.

She wanted to be angry at Emma for making her realize things. But, then again, Emma hadn’t really done anything except for be herself. And it had been enough to flip Alyssa’s whole world, making sure she couldn’t ignore what she’d been trying to for so long.

She liked girls.

Pebbles gently bumped Alyssa’s shoulder with his head, pulling her attention to him. Without hesitation, she wrapped her arms around his neck and tried her best not to cry in earnest. Her head felt so jumbled, but beneath it all; past the worries and the fears and the faint memories of utter denial, was a tiny glimmer of relief.

Because now things were starting to make sense. Her whole life, and her feelings, and the way she sometimes felt wrong without knowing why – all of them were adding up to something that maybe, if she could get out of this town and away from her mom one day, could be something that turned out to be not so bad.

That day was still a long way off.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will come whenever it's written but trust me you're not gonna want to miss it because we have Things planned...
> 
> if you're enjoying the fic so far then please consider leaving a comment - no matter how random or inarticulate you think you may be i promise i love each and every single comment i get!
> 
> alright i'm peacing out to go watch the captain marvel midnight release please pray for my gay sleep-deprived ass


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, chapter three coming at you! this is the longest chapter so far, clocking in at nearly 8.5k words - hope you enjoy the shenanigans!
> 
> huge thanks to everyone who left kudos or particularly a comment - i really really love reading them and seeing what you guys thought!

Emma was worried about Alyssa.

Last week’s incident in her room had come out of what had seemed like nowhere, and Emma wasn’t sure whether her being there had made things better or worse. At least Alyssa had been able to come back from wherever it was her mind had taken her, because it had been a little concerning to watch.

The fact that she couldn’t see her again for another week didn’t help. She didn’t have any way to reach out to her from her parents’ house. She briefly considered adding her as a friend on Facebook, but Emma suspected that Alyssa’s mother kept a pretty close eye on all of her social medias. Besides, Emma wasn’t sure if something like that would overstep the hazy lines of their friendship. Sure, they were friends, but whether she liked it or not, Alyssa had an image to maintain. Part of Emma was worried about what would happen once school started back up next month; if they’d just stop talking.

She hated not knowing if Alyssa was okay.

It was probably more relieving than it should have been when Alyssa still showed up on Saturday morning, this time having left Pebbles in his stall. The weather report had said that today would be sweltering, and Alyssa had dressed accordingly. Emma’s mouth went dry when she noticed the expanse of skin her tank top showed, but it was seeing the smooth definition of the muscles in Alyssa’s arms and shoulders that made her feel completely incapable of full sentences.

Emma mentally berated herself for being so damn predictable, not to mention downright pathetic. Honestly, while Alyssa looked incredible in what she was wearing, Emma had no doubt that she’d be speechless no matter how she was dressed. Which wasn’t ideal, given that she had to hide her feelings from Alyssa for fear of what would come of it.

Alyssa smiled at her, shuffling her feet a little awkwardly. It was almost like she was nervous. Emma supposed that even though she had no reason to be, Alyssa might be a little embarrassed about her… had it been a panic attack? It hadn’t looked like Emma’s had used to feel, but then again, Emma knew enough to realize that not everybody’s experiences were the same.

“Hey,” Emma said, finally breaking the silence.

“Hi,” Alyssa said. “What’s the plan for this morning?”

Work was a safe topic. “Fence posts up at the furthest boundary need fixing.”

“The one day I didn’t bring my horse,” Alyssa smiled wryly. “He could’ve at least given us a ride up there.”

Emma laughed. “You, maybe. I think it’s better for everyone if I keep my feet on the ground.”

“Why?”

“I don’t think Pebbles likes me very much,” Emma said.

Alyssa’s face scrunched up in confusion, and Emma tried in vain not to notice how adorable she looked.

“He looks at me like he’s judging me,” she continued, folding her arms as she leaned against the doorframe.

“He does not,” Alyssa rolled her eyes. “If you’d spend some time with him, you’d see how soft he is really. He’s a bit like a puppy. Or one of your cows.”

Emma scoffed. “He’s definitely not like one of the cows.”

“Well, he has black and white patches,” Alyssa pointed out. “He eats grass. He shows affection. And it hurts when he steps on your foot.”

Emma was a little stuck there. Partly because of what Alyssa was saying, but mostly because she was even more distracted than usual by how beautiful Alyssa was. She really needed to get over this crush.

“I’m right, see?” Alyssa grinned.

“Shut up,” Emma muttered, unable to stop a smile of her own from spreading across her face.

“Emma Nolan, you better not be idling in the doorway like I think you are,” came from behind her.

“Just on my way out, grandma,” Emma called over her shoulder.

“My fault, Betsy,” Alyssa piped up. “I got her talking about how she hates my horse.”

“You leave that horse alone!”

“I never said I hated him,” Emma protested. “I’d just rather not get on the back of a half-ton animal that could kill me if he wanted to.”

“I’ll get you to love him eventually,” Alyssa said. Emma’s heart soared, because it sounded like Alyssa was planning on sticking around long enough for that to happen.

“You can try,” she responded, pushing off the doorframe and pulling on her boots. Alyssa smiled winningly as Emma shut the front door behind them and started walking in the direction of the tool shed.

“Challenge accepted.”

 

* * *

 

Fixing the fence posts took a long time. In fact, by the time they were done, the sun was directly overhead and beating down on them without remorse.

Alyssa wiped her forehead with her arm as she watched Emma close the tool box. The past few hours had been slow going; there had been several posts that had desperately needed to be secured in the ground, but hammering them down hadn’t been easy when the earth was as rock solid as it was.

She’d asked Emma why this job couldn’t wait until they’d had some rain, but apparently the cow herd was going to be brought up here soon, and they were a nightmare for leaning and scratching on the posts until they gave way. Emma and her grandma obviously didn’t want the herd escaping, so the fence had to be done as soon as possible.

Emma straightened back up, looking the most tired Alyssa had ever seen her. For a moment, they just stared at each other. Alyssa’s mouth felt dry. Emma was breathing hard from the effort of it all, her hair wild and damp with sweat. At some point over the last couple of hours she’d tied her flannel shirt around her waist. She smiled tiredly, and all Alyssa wanted to do was cross the distance between them and kiss her. They were alone together, as far away from the houses as possible – in fact, they were far away from everything out here.

Emma cleared her throat, and Alyssa was brought back to reality. No matter how much she wanted to, she couldn’t let Emma know how she felt. It would only lead to awkwardness if Emma didn’t feel the same.

And if she did, then it would only lead to complications.

But Emma had given her no indication that she liked her as anything more than a friend and Alyssa didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. So, she tore her eyes away from the movement of Emma’s throat and weakly held out her hand for a high-five instead.

“Good job, team,” she said. Emma staggered forwards to high-five her and grimaced.

“Can we sit down for a bit?” she asked. “I don’t think I can face the walk back just yet.”

Alyssa had barely even nodded before Emma flopped down onto the ground. She was splayed flat on her back in an instant, eyes closed against the brightness of the sun. Alyssa lay down next to her, letting out a long breath as she stretched out her muscles. She knew she was strong, and in good shape, but this task had still been a huge challenge.

Even so, her so-called ‘farm education’ was going pretty well.

Now that she’d had a bit of time to come to terms with her crush on Emma, she thought she was dealing with it a lot better. This morning she’d been a little worried about how she would react to seeing Emma again, and spending time with her, and whether things would be awkward after Alyssa had full-on hyperventilated in her presence last week. But she shouldn’t have worried. So far, Emma hadn’t brought it up, and she wasn’t treating her any differently – something for which Alyssa was extremely grateful.

The feelings for Emma were still there, of course. But now that they were spending time together again, it was somehow easier. Alyssa had no idea why that was, but they had such an easy rapport; had done from the moment they’d first started talking, that it seemed to help settle her.

“It’s so peaceful up here,” Alyssa said, breaking the silence after a few minutes.

“It’s because the geese are back at the barn,” Emma said.

“You and your geese vendetta,” Alyssa laughed, turning her head to squint at Emma.

“Hey, they’re the ones with the vendetta, not me,” Emma said, shrugging as best as she could.

The movement drew Alyssa’s eyes to Emma’s shoulders, and she frowned in concern.

“I think you’re starting to burn,” she pointed out.

Emma glanced at one of her shoulders, no doubt seeing the reddening skin next to the strap of her tank; skin that was usually covered up by her clothes. “Dangers of being pale.”

She sat up and untied the flannel from around her waist, pulling a face as she slipped it back over her shoulders. Clearly, it was still too hot to be wearing any sort of sleeves at all. Emma sighed, drawing her knees up and resting her arms on them.

“We should probably head back for lunch,” she said.

As if on cue, Alyssa heard her own stomach growl. She dissolved into laughter at the expression of glee on Emma’s face, remembering the time where Emma’s stomach had done the exact same thing at the mention of food.

“I guess we should,” Alyssa said. She stuck out a hand and Emma pulled her to her feet.

Alyssa probably should have thought that through, because now they were standing pretty close together and it sent a rush of nerves through her body. It was strange, because Emma really was the person that made her the most nervous while also being the person who she was the most comfortable around, and she had no idea what she was meant to do about it.

She liked the way Emma looked at her. There was so much warmth in her face, like she genuinely appreciated Alyssa’s company. That wasn’t something Alyssa was used to feeling. Emma was looking at her like that now, making Alyssa’s heart beat faster as a result.

It skipped a beat when Emma brought her hand up to Alyssa’s face, but she quickly realized that Emma was just picking some stray grass out of her hair. Still, the action was enough to make Alyssa feel an exhilarated sort of scared.

Emma held the grass up for her to see with a triumphant grin. “You could’ve rocked it, but I thought maybe you wouldn’t want enemy territory in your hair to give you away later.”

“Thanks,” Alyssa said, because there wasn’t much else that she trusted herself to say.

They began the long journey back in relatively comfortable silence. Alyssa couldn’t help the way that she kept sneaking glances over at Emma as they walked. There was just something about her that made Alyssa unable to look away, and she wasn’t entirely sure what it was.

Alyssa was so preoccupied, that they were almost back at the farmhouse before she registered the sound of a vehicle driving down the track that ran along the front of both Betsy’s house and her own. A silver car that she immediately recognized as Kaylee’s drove past.

“Shit,” Alyssa hissed under her breath, unceremoniously pushing Emma behind the tool shed and out of sight. She listened hard, praying to anyone who was listening that they hadn’t been spotted.

What was Kaylee even doing here?

The car stopped outside the Greene house, and Alyssa became aware of two voices. Kaylee _and_ Shelby, then. She couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but they sounded annoyed about something.

Alyssa glanced back to Emma, startling as she noticed that their faces were a lot closer than she’d anticipated.

Without realizing it, Alyssa had almost pinned Emma to the back wall of the shed with the length of her body, one hand on her shoulder and the other pressed against the rough wooden slats.

Emma’s cheeks were undeniably red, and Alyssa was frozen to the spot.

She wanted to jump back, out of Emma’s personal space. She wanted to lean in and close the distance between them. She wanted to stay this close to Emma all the time; close enough to see every freckle on her nose.

Alyssa could’ve sworn she saw Emma’s eyes drop to her lips, just for a moment. One moment, where it felt as if anything could happen, and Alyssa felt a powerful _something_ starting to draw them together.

Her phone vibrated in her back pocket, breaking the spell. Alyssa blinked a few times, trying to focus on anything but what potentially _could_ have happened, maybe, as she pulled out her phone to see Shelby’s name flashing up on the screen.

Alyssa exchanged a worried look with Emma before answering the call and pressing the phone to her ear.

“Hello?” she spoke quietly, not wanting Kaylee and Shelby to overhear them – even though they were a fair distance away and Alyssa had probably only heard them before because they’d been talking to each other so loudly.

“Are you at home?” Shelby asked. “We’ve been knocking on your door but nobody’s answered.”

“Sorry, I—” Alyssa cut herself off, shutting her eyes briefly as she tried to come up with an excuse. “I’m sick and I must’ve been napping. I didn’t hear the door but I guess my phone ringing woke me up.”

To her credit, her voice did sound a bit hoarse to her own ears – although it had nothing to do with sickness and everything to do with the girl standing ever so close to her. Emma nodded at her, clearly impressed with the lie.

“How come you guys are here?” Alyssa asked carefully.

“Alyssa, we’ve barely seen you in weeks,” Shelby said. “Kaylee thinks you’re avoiding us and, if I’m honest, I’m starting to believe her.”

“I’m sorry,” Alyssa said. “I don’t mean to be a bad friend, I just… I’ve been feeling weird lately, and I guess now I know why.”

Technically, that part wasn’t a complete lie. She _had_ been feeling strange, and she _did_ know why now.

“Must be some sickness,” Shelby commented.

“Yeah, um, I think I’m contagious,” Alyssa said. “I probably shouldn’t let you guys in. I can’t even really get out of bed right now as it is.”

“Hmm, well, feel better soon,” Shelby said, saying goodbye to her before hanging up the phone. She hadn’t sounded totally convinced, so Alyssa let out a sigh of relief when she finally heard them get back in the car and retreat back past Betsy’s house, out of earshot.

“They didn’t see us?” Emma asked quietly, speaking for the first time since Alyssa had pushed her into their current position. Alyssa, realizing that they were still extremely close together, finally took a step back.

“No, I think we’re all good. Sorry about that, by the way.”

Emma shrugged. “It’s okay.”

“Emma, I shoved you against a wall just so my so-called best friends didn’t see us hanging out together,” Alyssa said. She hated that her immediate reaction had been to hide.

“I didn’t mind,” Emma said. Alyssa looked at her in surprise, and Emma immediately blushed again. “I mean… I didn’t mind the avoiding Kaylee and Shelby part, not the… although the pushing bit was fine, you know, I’m not complaining about it, I just didn’t expect it and I’m – I’m gonna stop talking now.”

Alyssa wasn’t sure she’d ever seen Emma this flustered before, not even during their first conversation at the fair. She let Emma carry on, mainly because she was admittedly completely adorable like this. And partly because maybe, just maybe, it meant that she’d felt it too.

That one split-second, although it was hazy in Alyssa’s mind already, where they might have both started to lean in.

“Still, I’m sorry,” Alyssa said. “Not least because the avoidance tactic delayed lunch.”

“Right. Lunch,” Emma said, like she’d completely forgotten, and the two of them finally emerged back out from behind the shed.

Alyssa felt bad, not just for pushing Emma and for being so scared to be spotted with her, but also for ignoring Kaylee and Shelby. Sure, they weren’t nice people a lot of the time, but she had been completely neglecting them ever since she’d started spending time with Emma.

Maybe it was because she actually felt like she could talk to Emma without things ending in an argument, but still. It felt wrong to just be ignoring her friends. Even if she didn’t particularly want to spend time with them anymore, they were the reason nobody dared pick on her at school. They were the reason Alyssa was even on the cheer squad. She felt like she owed them a lot.

But Alyssa couldn’t stop the thought from crossing her mind that, if she were braver, she’d trade all of that for Emma.

 

* * *

 

“Give me your phone for a minute?”

Alyssa’s question came out of nowhere, about five minutes before the time she usually went back home. Emma looked up from the movie they were watching on her laptop in surprise, but handed it over anyway.

“Thanks,” Alyssa said, typing something in. Emma’s eyes were drawn to the way Alyssa bit down on her bottom lip, distracting her to the point that she barely noticed when Alyssa was done.

Clearing her head as quickly as she could, Emma took the phone back to see that Alyssa had put her number in. She sucked in a breath, eyes glancing up to search Alyssa’s face for any clue that this was some sort of trick – although she knew Alyssa better than that by now.

“This is your number,” she said dumbly.

Alyssa nodded, visibly suppressing a smile. “It is.”

“But… why?” As soon as the words left her, Emma wanted to kick herself for being so dense.

“Maybe I want to talk to you more than one day a week,” Alyssa said, picking at an imaginary loose thread on Emma’s comforter and avoiding eye contact. “Besides, we’re friends. Friends text each other.”

“Yeah,” Emma breathed. “I might’ve asked you if you wanted to trade numbers earlier, but I didn’t know if your mom checked your phone or something.”

“She doesn’t,” Alyssa assured her. “She keeps track of me on Facebook and Instagram, but taking my phone is a line she’s yet to cross.”

“Right,” Emma said, once again looking down at Alyssa’s number in her phone.

“You don’t have to text me if you don’t want to,” Alyssa said hurriedly.

“No, I want to,” Emma said, her eyes immediately finding Alyssa’s. She could see her expression relax at the words, before she checked the time on her own phone.

“I should probably go,” she said, and Emma hoped she wasn’t imagining the reluctance she thought she could hear in Alyssa’s voice.

“Okay,” Emma said, clearing her throat and trying to push away the sadness she felt at the prospect of not seeing Alyssa for another week. She walked her downstairs to the front door, her spirits lifting a little as she remembered that at least now she had a way to contact her.

Alyssa hugged her goodbye, wrapping her arms around Emma’s shoulders after a moment of apparent deliberation. Unlike their first hug two weeks ago, there was no urgency to it this time. And unlike last time, Emma had the opportunity to place her own arms around Alyssa’s waist and hug her back. It set her heart racing, not for the first time that day, and Emma tried to savor the feeling of holding her close, just in case it never happened again.

“Text me later, so I have your number too?” Alyssa asked, pulling back from the hug. Her arms lingered around Emma’s shoulders for a moment longer before she dropped them back down to her sides. Emma’s hands fiddled with the hem of her own flannel nervously.

“I will,” she promised.

Alyssa’s face broke out into a relieved smile that Emma couldn’t help but return. Not even Alyssa calling out a goodbye to Betsy and leaving soon after could wipe it off her face. She and Alyssa were fine. Better than fine, actually.

“What are you so smiley about?” Betsy asked, as soon as Emma walked through the door to the living room.

“Nothing,” Emma said defensively. Betsy gave her a look that said she didn’t believe her in the slightest. “Just had a good day, is all.”

“I’m glad,” her grandma said slowly. “You know, I think that Alyssa Greene is good for you.”

“I think so, too,” Emma said, hoping she wasn’t blushing too badly. She’d spent enough of the day red-faced as it was.

She thought back to Alyssa pushing her against the wall at the back of the shed when she’d seen Kaylee’s car; of how close they’d been. She thought back to how, for a split-second, she’d thought Alyssa might have leaned even closer. Or maybe that had been her. Either way, even the memory of Alyssa’s hand pressing into her shoulder and the look in her eyes when she’d noticed their proximity was enough to make Emma’s heart rate pick up.

She knew that she was completely screwed, but she couldn’t really bring herself to care.

 

Texting Alyssa became something of a lifeline during the time Emma was at her parents’ house. She’d once told Alyssa that her parents were trying to be better people, and sometimes they were, but most of the time it was difficult to even speak to them without getting the feeling that she was somehow doing something wrong.

Emma knew her parents were homophobic. It was the biggest reason she hadn’t come out to them yet and didn’t plan to do so anytime soon. She didn’t really want to think about what they would say if they knew. They already made very unsubtle comments about the way she dressed, and that she had never brought a boy home. Emma gritted her teeth through it all. She didn’t want to disappoint her parents, but the truth was that her parents were disappointing her and had been for quite some time.

So, whenever she was feeling upset, or pissed off, or even when she was feeling fine and just wanted to talk, Emma texted Alyssa. She would get a reply within minutes and it never failed to put a smile on her face. Alyssa was so much easier to talk to than Emma had first thought upon seeing her in the halls at school; never judgemental and always kind. With every chime of her phone, Emma could almost feel her crush on Alyssa growing.

It was a Monday afternoon, two weeks before the end of summer, when things with Emma’s parents reached breaking point.

Her dad had just come home from work, and things were already been tense as her mom had been trying to enjoy her day off – which Emma had apparently ruined. She didn’t even know how she had supposedly ruined the day, but not long after her dad got home, all hell broke loose.

There was a knock at Emma’s bedroom door. She paused the movie she’d been playing and got off of her bed, opening the door to see her dad’s stony face staring back at her. Emma mentally braced herself; if her dad was frowning already then this had the potential to be bad.

“Emma, your mother and I would like to speak with you downstairs,” he said, in that overly formal way of his that usually preceded a big argument.

He turned on his heel, knowing that Emma would follow him. Emma trailed behind her father all the way downstairs to find her mom already seated at the kitchen table. Her heart started to beat erratically. This looked formal.

She sat down opposite her parents, trying to ignore how this already felt like an interrogation. Her mother started the conversation.

“Emma, what are your college plans?”

Oh, so it was going to be one of _those_ conversations. Emma said nothing, because it was far from the first time that they’d argued about this and she knew from experience that her parents wouldn’t let her interject for another few minutes.

“We’re just concerned because you haven’t talked to us about where you plan on going, or what you plan on majoring in,” her dad chimed in, the look in his eyes betraying the lack of feeling behind the seemingly caring words.

“Last time we spoke about this, you said you needed more time to decide,” her mother said. “We’ve given you more time. There’s only a year left before college, Emma, and you need to start choosing some options—”

“We’ve taken the liberty of looking up a few schools nearby,” her dad said, and Emma bit her tongue. “Of course, your mother and I won’t want you to be too far away, and there are plenty of top-class colleges that aren’t on the other side of the country.”

“Your teachers are always so complimentary of you. They think you could major in something really amazing; a science or a law degree – something that would guarantee you a job straight away.”

“Yes, then you would finally have something to do,” her dad said. “Instead of wasting your time farming with your grandma or sitting in your room doing whatever it is you do up there.”

Clearly, her parents thought they were helping. It was at this point in the conversation that Emma spotted a gap long enough for her to actually speak up.

“As I’ve already told you, I don’t want to be a scientist,” Emma said. “I don’t want to be a lawyer, either.”

“But—”

“Look, I’m not sure what I want to be yet,” Emma said, sitting back in her chair like she was subconsciously trying to psychically remove herself from the situation. “I don’t… I don’t even know if I want to go to college right out of high school.”

There was silence for a few long moments, and Emma knew she had done it this time. Suddenly, both of her parents started talking at once, immediately losing all pretense of calm.

“Not go to college—”

“—Emma, you clearly haven’t considered—”

“—You’ve got to think about what kind of impression—”

“—Need to talk to Betsy about this, clearly she’s not been—”

“Stop it!”

Both of her parents, surprisingly, shut up.

“I’m seventeen,” Emma stated plaintively. “I haven’t even started senior year yet, okay, I’ve got time. I’m not expecting to have my life figured out before it’s even begun, and I definitely don’t want to waste a bunch of money on a college that I don’t know if I want to go to, studying something that will be completely irrelevant to me by the time I’m twenty-five!”

“Emma—”

“No, let me finish,” Emma said, as firmly as she dared. She hadn’t really exploded at her parents like this before, but it was all getting to be too much. “And as for how I spend my weekends… it’s summer vacation. God forbid I enjoy spending time with my grandma helping her out with things that need doing. I’d like to see either of you fix a fence, or round up a flock of sheep like we do, or even sit down and have a conversation with her. A member of your own family. Just because I don’t get paid for it, doesn’t mean it isn’t a worthwhile use of my time.”

“This isn’t about your weekends,” her dad insisted angrily. “This is about your future.”

“No this is about you trying to control me!” Emma was past the point of trying to keep her voice down now. “This is about you only pretending to actually care about what I want. This is about you always being disappointed in me no matter what I do, because I’m clearly not how you wanted your only kid to turn out!”

“Don’t you dare raise your voice to us like that,” her mom hissed, cold as ice.

Emma clenched her jaw, trying to keep the tears of frustration at bay. Her dad leaned back and folded his arms, a sure sign that this conversation was now over as far as he was concerned.

“Your mother and I are going out for dinner tonight,” he said. “I suggest you use this time to reflect on your _choices_.”

The words stuck with Emma uncomfortably. “This is my life,” she said, getting up from the table. “This is my future, my _choices_ , and nobody gets to live my life but me.”

With that, she left the room.

Emma noticed her hands were trembling as she was climbing the stairs. She sucked in an unsteady breath, opening the door to her room and flinging herself face-down onto the bed. She let out a muffled shout into her comforter. It didn’t make her feel any better.

Before long, Emma heard the sound of the front door slamming, and she closed her eyes. She was still shaking with a mixture of both nerves and anger, and she didn’t know what to do. She wanted to text Alyssa, but her hands weren’t nearly steady enough to type. Maybe she could try calling her instead. It was a bit of a long shot, as Emma didn’t know if Alyssa would be able to talk freely, but it was worth a try. She just needed to talk to someone, and Alyssa was the first person that came to mind.

Rolling onto her back, Emma pulled her phone out of her pocket and clicked on Alyssa’s contact. She tried to breathe deeply as the call went through, and then she was just waiting to see whether or not Alyssa picked up.

She was starting to give up hope, and then she heard Alyssa’s voice on the other end of the line.

“Hello?”

Suddenly, Emma wanted to cry. “Alyssa…”

“Emma, what’s wrong?” Alyssa asked immediately, and the concern in her voice actually did make tears spring to Emma’s eyes.

“Is your mom there?” she asked. It didn’t hit her until she’d said it that Alyssa probably wouldn’t have referred to her by name if her mother had been around to eavesdrop.

“No, I’m alone. Well, I’m in Pebbles’ stall,” Alyssa said. “Talk to me?”

“My parents, they…” Emma swallowed hard. “I just had this fight with them about college and about the future and about how they think I’m wasting my time helping grandma on the weekends, and they’re just putting so much pressure on me and I don’t even know what I want to do with my life and it’s all too much—”

“Emma,” Alyssa interrupted soothingly, evidently doing her best to cut off Emma’s impending spiral. “It’s okay that you don’t have everything figured out. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.”

“But my mom and dad, they’re just so—” Emma struggled to find the right words. “It’s like they’re trying to live my life _for_ me and I don’t know how to make them stop because they just get so _mad_ when I don’t do what they want.”

“I know what you mean,” Alyssa reassured her. “We can deal with our shitty parents together, okay? I’m here for you.”

A sob escaped Emma before she could stop it. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay—”

“I didn’t mean to dump all this on you,” Emma continued, voice thick with emotion. “I’m just feeling really overwhelmed and there wasn’t anyone else I wanted to talk to apart from you. But I didn’t stop and think whether you’d want to hear it or not.”

“Emma, listen to me,” Alyssa said, emotion clear in her own voice. “You are not a burden. You’re my best friend, and I always want to hear what you have to say.”

Emma closed her eyes as tears rolled down her cheeks. Her brain felt completely non-functional. Somehow, Alyssa had found the exact words that Emma didn’t even know she’d been waiting to hear.

“They keep making comments about my supposed life choices, too,” Emma continued, completely unable to stop more words from spilling out of her mouth. “And then I get so worried that they know more than they’re saying. But even if they don’t, then I just keep imagining that no matter how disappointing I am to them now, it’s going to be so much worse if they ever find out that I’m gay.”

Her voice cracked on the last word, almost as if it were a last-ditch effort to stop herself from saying it. But it was too late. In a sudden, dizzying rush, Emma realized what had just happened.

And sure, rationally Emma knew that it might not be a surprise to hear, but she still hadn’t meant to blurt it out to Alyssa like that. She’d made things weird now, just like she always did. Everything was going to fall apart and she was going to lose her only friend and—

“Emma, are you still there?” Alyssa asked gently.

“Yeah,” Emma whispered, barely able to hear herself over the sound of blood rushing in her own ears. “I—I’m sorry—”

“Don’t you dare apologize,” Alyssa said, her voice fierce and filled with so much depth that is made Emma’s breath hitch. “You are the bravest, most badass person I’ve ever met, okay? And I know you didn’t mean to tell me that, but I’m happy you did.”

“Really?” Emma asked, hardly daring to hope. “You mean, this doesn’t change… we’re still friends?”

“Yes, Emma, of course we’re still friends,” Alyssa sounded choked up. “You being gay could never change that, do you hear me?”

Emma nodded, before she remembered that Alyssa couldn’t see her. “Yeah.”

“I mean it when I say that you’re the bravest person I know,” Alyssa continued. “I wish I…”

“Are you okay?” Emma asked, hearing Alyssa trail off and go silent.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Alyssa said. “Besides, this isn’t about me. How are you doing?”

“Better,” Emma admitted. Now that the panic had passed, she was just left feeling drained. “Thank you, for listening. For everything, actually.”

“Yeah, of course,” Alyssa said softly. “is there anything you can do about your parents? Any way to avoid them for a while?”

“Not really,” Emma sighed. “Unless…”

“Unless what?”

“I could always ask my grandma if I could stay with her. Just for a little while, until things cool off,” Emma said, thinking the logistics through in her head. She had clothes and toiletries at her grandma’s house already. All she’d need would be her laptop and her backpack.

“That’s a good idea,” Alyssa said. “Plus, if you wanted to, I could come over and hang out tomorrow while my mother’s at work?”

Relief spread through Emma’s body at the realization that maybe things would turn out okay. “Yeah, that would be great.”

 

* * *

 

Even though Alyssa obviously didn’t appreciate the circumstances that had brought Emma to stay at her grandma’s house for the past week, there was no denying that she had really enjoyed all the extra time they spent together as a result.

At first, Emma had been a little tentative – like she was still a bit unsure of where they stood after she’d accidentally come out over the phone. But even though Alyssa hadn’t known Emma was gay before that moment, it hadn’t exactly come as a surprise to her.

Besides, the only thing that Emma being gay changed was that now Alyssa knew there was actually a chance of her own feelings being returned. That prospect both terrified and thrilled her.

Part of Alyssa had wanted to come out to Emma right then, on the phone. But she’d meant it when she’d said it wasn’t about her – even if that had begun to feel like an excuse she used to justify chickening out.

But if she came out to Emma, then everything would change. She knew that two people could be friends regardless of gender and sexuality, but Alyssa didn’t know if Emma being aware that they were both gay would make things weird. It shouldn’t, but it might.

And then, if Emma knew, would she figure out that Alyssa had a crush on her?

Just because Emma was gay, didn’t mean she had feelings for Alyssa by any means. Sometimes Alyssa let herself believe that she did; there were just too many _moments_ to ignore, but then self-doubt would always creep in. Alyssa had never been in a relationship before – she didn’t exactly know how to go about deciphering signals, or lack thereof.

Over the course of the week, Emma began to relax back into how they usually were. She stopped shuffling further away when they sat down on Emma’s bed to watch a movie, or stiffening whenever Alyssa hugged her goodbye. By the time the next Monday rolled around, signalling their last week of freedom before school started again, things were back to normal.

If normal meant that Emma hadn’t so much as spoken to her parents since telling them she’d be spending some time at her grandma’s. If normal meant that Alyssa kept catching Emma glancing her way before quickly averting her eyes. If normal meant that Alyssa kept getting caught staring at Emma in return. All of it had to mean something, right? She’d had so many opportunities over the past week to tell Emma that she was gay, but she’d let each moment pass without fail.

Alyssa tried to shake the feeling that, at some point, something had to give – one way or another.

She knocked on the front door of Betsy’s house (Betsy’s, not Emma’s, because Emma living there during the week was only temporary) and took a step back from the front door, doing her best to hide the grin on her face. She had a plan for today. A plan to take Emma’s mind off of the fight she’d had with her parents.

Emma answered the door with a smile, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise when she saw Pebbles standing quietly by Alyssa’s shoulder. Alyssa brought her Stetson out from behind her back, holding it out to Emma as she tried not to crack up laughing.

“Surprise!”

“Uh, what?” was Emma’s response.

Alyssa rolled her eyes. “It’s your first riding lesson, keep up.”

“No it’s not,” Emma said.

“Why not?”

“Because Pebbles will kill me,” Emma said, eyeing the horse warily. Her eyebrows scrunched together as she appeared to notice something. “Alyssa, where’s the saddle?”

“Oh, right,” Alyssa hurried to explain her plan. “Since I figured you’d say no, I thought that if I was the one actually controlling him then you could just sit there without any pressure. A saddle would just get in the way.”

“No way,” Emma said. “What if Pebbles collapses under the weight of two people?”

“He won’t,” Alyssa promised. “Horses can carry a lot more weight than you’d think, and we’ll just be walking. Promise.”

Emma looked doubtful. “I’ll still die.”

“You won’t. Humor me?” Alyssa asked. She jutted out her bottom lip slightly. “Please?”

Alyssa knew instantly that Emma would cave. She felt a little bad for using the puppy-dog eyes, but this would be good for Emma. It would provide a distraction that Emma might not know she needed.

So what if Alyssa was being a little selfish and wanting to take any chance to be close to her?

Emma sighed. “Fine. But if I do end up dead, I’m gonna come back and haunt both of you.”

She took the Stetson from Alyssa’s hand and squashed it on top of her hair. Alyssa squealed excitedly at the prospect of finally getting Emma to make friends with Pebbles instead of just sending him distrustful looks from a distance.

She led the horse across the yard to the gate that separated it from the fields, opening it up so they could all go through before closing it securely behind her. She lined Pebbles up next to the post and rail fence, springing onto his back lightly and gathering up the reins. Emma looked at her nervously from the ground.

“Just climb the fence and swing your right leg over his back, behind me,” Alyssa encouraged.

Emma climbed the fence hesitantly. She seemed unsure of how to physically go about getting on, so Alyssa took one hand off the reins and held it out for Emma to take.

“Do you trust me?”

Emma snorted. “Nice _Aladdin_ reference.”

“Shut up,” Alyssa laughed. Emma shook her head, but slid her hand into Alyssa’s anyway. She wobbled, just about managing to place her leg over Pebbles’ back and Alyssa gripped on tight as Emma somehow ended up sat behind her.

Her front was pressed tightly against Alyssa’s back, and Alyssa released Emma’s hand only to feel her arms snake around her waist to hang on. Trying to calm her suddenly racing heart, Alyssa put her now-free hand back on the reins.

“I don’t like this,” Emma said.

“We haven’t moved yet,” Alyssa pointed out.

“We haven’t?”

“Emma, it’s going to be okay,” Alyssa said. “Just hold on to me, try not to squeeze with your legs, and all we’ll do is go for a little walk, okay?”

“Okay,” Emma said. “Tell me if I’m squeezing you too tight.”

“No, you’re—you’re fine,” Alyssa said, clearing her throat. “We’re going to start moving now.”

“Let’s get this over with,” Emma mumbled, seemingly having resigned herself to her fate.

Alyssa gently nudged Pebbles’ sides with her heels, setting him off into a steady walking pace. Emma held onto her for dear life, but didn’t say anything, so Alyssa let the horse continue on his path along the fence line.

They were headed in the opposite direction to both houses, along the width of Betsy’s land. Alyssa didn’t know what there was over that way, but there didn’t appear to be any gates blocking their path, so that was the direction she chose.

For a while they rode on in silence, Pebbles’ hooves on the sun-baked ground the only noise. Eventually, Alyssa could feel Emma start to relax behind her. Her arms were still wound tightly around Alyssa’s waist, and Alyssa could tell she was concentrating on staying balanced on Pebbles’ back, but at least it didn’t feel like she was holding her breath anymore.

“See, this isn’t so bad,” Alyssa said, craning her head around just slightly so that she could see Emma’s face.

“Eyes on the road,” Emma said, and Alyssa narrowed her eyes playfully at her.

“No-one likes a backseat driver,” she said, turning back around, and Emma laughed.

“It’s not as terrifying as I thought it would be,” she admitted. “It’s still pretty scary, though.”

“Is it taking your mind off of everything at home?” Alyssa asked.

“Yeah, it is,” Emma said, leaning her chin on Alyssa’s shoulder and knocking the Stetson askew in the process.

Alyssa swallowed, mouth dry. All of a sudden, this felt very intimate and couple-y, and she wasn’t sure how to deal with it. Of course, this was entirely her own fault for suggesting they double up. Still, being this close to Emma felt like a wonderful kind of torture.

Eventually, they came to the boundary, marked by a stream. There was a fence on the other side of the water, presumably put there by whomever owned the land there, but the stream was accessible to anyone on the Nolan land.

“I’m going to see if Pebbles wants a drink from the stream,” Alyssa said. It was, after all, another hot day and her horse may well be thirsty.

“Sure,” Emma said, far more at ease with the idea than she would’ve been at the start of their ride.

Alyssa stopped Pebbles alongside the stream, loosening the reins. Pebbles lowered his head to sniff the water.

“Oh god,” Emma muttered, seeing the neck of the horse dropping down as well as probably feeling his shoulders lower slightly.

“We’re okay,” Alyssa soothed, leaning backwards slightly to counter-balance.

Pebbles drank from the stream, like Alyssa suspected he would. She turned her head again to look at Emma, giving her a reassuring smile. Emma offered a nervous smile of her own, and Alyssa was immediately distracted by how close together their faces were.

If she’d have been paying attention, Alyssa would have noticed that Pebbles had stopped drinking. She would have felt his muscles ready themselves for sudden movement. She would have seen the horse’s next move coming.

Pebbles whirled around sharply, completely throwing Alyssa off-balance. Before she could save it, both she and Emma were being flung from his back. Alyssa let go of the reins, not wanting to wrench her shoulder even more than she already had by trying to hang on. As such, Emma landed a split second before her.

There was a splash, and then Alyssa was soaked to the bone in the cold water of the stream she’d just offered Pebbles a drink from. She opened her eyes, which had closed on instinct, to see Emma’s face only a few inches away from hers.

Emma was sat, not quite upright but essentially unharmed, in the water – submerged up to her waist. Alyssa had been spun around by letting go of the reins a fraction too late and had ended up almost colliding head-on with Emma in the water.

She was knelt almost on top of her, hands braced on the bedrock under the water, but she couldn’t even bring herself to be too embarrassed about it over her shock at how quickly it had all happened. Emma, too, looked too stunned to react. Alyssa didn’t feel hurt from the fall, and Emma showed no signs of pain either, which was lucky.

The only protective wear they had between them, the Stetson, was nowhere to be seen.

Alyssa gulped, eyes roaming around Emma’s face. It was clear that she had gone mostly underwater as she landed; her hair and face were both dripping with water. Somehow, her glasses were still on and intact. Alyssa couldn’t look away.

This felt like the shed incident, magnified a million times over.

Alyssa was sure that she noticed Emma’s eyes dropping to her lips this time. Her breath caught in her chest because she felt it again, that _thing_ that was slowly but surely drawing them together. It felt inevitable.

“Alyssa…” Emma murmured, drawing Alyssa’s attention to her lips. She glanced back up to meet Emma’s gaze, which was open and unguarded. She couldn’t pinpoint what exactly about the look in Emma’s eyes gave her the last bit of courage she needed, but it was enough to push her past the point of no return.

Alyssa didn’t know whether it was her that kissed Emma, or whether they both leaned in at the same time – but then their lips met and it didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered but the soft press of the kiss that Alyssa was pretty sure would change her life forever.

The water swirled around them, droplets falling in between their bodies, but it was all in the background. Alyssa’s brain short-circuited, lightning shooting through her body as she felt Emma kiss her back.

Emma’s hands came up to frame her face, cupping her cheeks gently. Alyssa pulled back, just barely, only to tilt her head just so and change the angle. Emma’s lips parted, catching the next kiss dead-on and making Alyssa wonder how she had survived this long without ever kissing her.

She was kissing Emma.

She was finally kissing Emma, and it felt better than she could have ever imagined. As much as she’d wanted this to happen for a while, Alyssa had tried not to let herself think about it too much, for fear of what it would mean.

Now, though, what it meant was hazy. All Alyssa could focus on was Emma’s soft lips, slightly chapped from the sun, moving against her own with equal parts eagerness and reverence. Kissing Emma was addicting, Alyssa discovered. She never wanted to stop.

But she had to.

She didn’t know how long they’d been kissing for; time had seemed to stand still, as cheesy as it sounded in her own head. Alyssa broke the kiss, pulling herself back into the real world. She kept her eyes closed for an extra moment. Maybe it was her subconscious telling her to savor the last moment before everything got complicated.

When Alyssa opened her eyes, it was to find Emma staring back at her in amazement. Her mouth was slightly agape, eyes blinking rapidly as if she was physically trying to clear her head. Alyssa knew the feeling.

For a long moment, neither of them said anything.

The longer the silence stretched on, the more anxiety began to pool in Alyssa’s stomach. What if she’d misread everything, and Emma hadn’t wanted to be kissed? No, Emma had kissed her back, Alyssa was sure of it.

She knew, deep down, that Emma wanted this as much as she did.

But now things were complicated. Because now it was all real. There was no way they could go back and pretend this didn’t happen; no way Alyssa could look at Emma again without thinking about how it had felt to actually kiss her.

Well, Alyssa thought dryly, that was one way for her to come out to Emma.

This was too much.

“I’m so sorry,” Alyssa said hoarsely. “That was—I shouldn’t have…”

She didn’t even know what she was trying to say. Emma’s face fell slightly, her hands dropping from Alyssa’s face. Her gut twisted painfully. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Alyssa was meant to be brave, and open, and able to put her heart on the line without the fear she currently felt.

What if Kaylee and Shelby found out? God, what if her _mother_ found out?

A whinny from the bank of the stream caught Alyssa’s attention. She turned her head to see Pebbles, the brim of the Stetson between his teeth, looking unbelievably smug. But she couldn’t even bring herself to laugh at the sight.

Alyssa pushed herself backwards, away from Emma, because she couldn’t think clearly with her still so close. When she had been kissing Emma, her brain had been mercifully quiet. But now, a million different thoughts, all of them loud, tumbled over each other – colliding hard enough to make her want to wince. The one thought that stood out above all else was a question.

Where did they go from here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll just see myself out.
> 
> for real, maria and i have so much planned for this fic (i have no ideas how many chapters it'll end up being oops but probably somewhere between 7 and 10?) and we can't wait to get it out there!
> 
> as ever, comments are most of what keeps us going, so please let us know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for your reactions to the last chapter!! here's some angst!!

Emma didn’t sleep much that night.

She tried, but every time she closed her eyes, she saw Alyssa staring back at her with that fearful look on her face. She’d probably regretted the kiss as soon as it had happened. Emma opened her eyes again, staring at the wall until they began to sting, wishing she could just go back and undo the events of today. Wishing she could forget the way she’d felt when they’d kissed.

No, she didn’t want to forget that.

It had happened, for better or for worse, and for a moment it had been the best thing that had ever happened to her. Never in a million years did she think she’d ever get the chance to kiss Alyssa Greene. If she concentrated enough, she could still feel the ghost of Alyssa’s lips against her own.

But then Alyssa had apologized. She’d said, ‘I shouldn’t have,’ and then she’d cut herself off. Clearly, she’d thought that kissing Emma had been a mistake. But she’d still done it. She’d leaned in; Emma was sure of it.

She was so confused.

What happened now? Should they try and go back to normal and act like it never happened? Should they talk about it, and try to figure out what it meant for them going forwards?

Would Alyssa even want to be her friend anymore?

Emma blinked away tears. Alyssa had carved out a space in her life so quickly and easily that she couldn’t really remember what had come before. Even with her parent drama, she'd certainly been happier since she and Alyssa had become friends. She didn’t want to lose that, even if it meant nothing could happen between them again.

She lay awake for most of the night, overthinking every single thing she’d said or done around Alyssa; trying to figure out what was going to happen. She knew Alyssa had dance class on Tuesdays; her mom would drop her off on her way into work and then she usually spent the rest of the day with Kaylee and Shelby until it was time to go home. So, it was unlikely they’d be able to talk until much later. At least it meant Emma had a little bit of time to figure out what she was going to say, if anything.

The next morning, Emma dragged herself downstairs. She knew the dark circles under her eyes would be a dead giveaway and, sure enough, her grandma noticed them immediately.

“Emma, honey, what’s wrong?” she asked, pulling out a chair at the kitchen table.

Emma shook her head. “Nothing. Just didn’t sleep well.”

She really didn’t want to get into all this. Especially because, even if she herself were out to Betsy, she couldn’t figure out a way to explain what was going on without outing Alyssa too. She didn’t even know how Alyssa identified, either, although she’d never mentioned anything that indicated she liked boys.

Honestly, Alyssa had never given Emma any indication of her sexuality, until she’d kissed her. Regardless, outing Alyssa was the last thing Emma planned on doing, so she kept her mouth firmly shut about the events of yesterday.

“Maybe take it easy today, then,” Betsy suggested. “You’ve got the Open House this evening, remember?”

Emma didn’t remember. “Shit, that’s today?”

Her grandma nodded. Emma groaned. She’d completely forgotten that today was the day that she picked up her class schedule, and her parents got to hear what the teachers expected for the coming year. Her parents.

“Wait, are mom and dad still going?” Emma asked. She hadn’t so much as spoken to them since their fight.

“Your father called last night,” Betsy said. “He said that they’d meet you at the school.”

Emma breathed out a sigh of relief. Even though her parents hadn’t bothered to reach out to her over the week that she’d been staying at her grandma’s place, at least they were going to be there. Maybe they could even talk things out, and then maybe Emma would feel as if she were able to fix at least one thing currently going wrong in her life.

“Okay,” she said. “What’s on the list for today?”

“How about you just have a little tidy-up around the house,” Betsy said, reaching across the table to rub Emma’s shoulder. “I’ll do the heavy lifting today.”

“Grandma—”

“Sorry, it’s been decided,” Betsy said, getting up from the table. “Have a quiet day before you gotta go be around all those people later.”

“Thanks,” Emma said quietly.

She spent most of the day meandering from room to room and tidying what she could. In all honesty the house – while cluttered – was pretty clean to start with, so she didn’t actually have to do a lot. She used most of the time to think; about how she could repair things with her parents, and about what she would say to Alyssa.

It was like there was a little ball of anxiety in her stomach; a knot that was growing steadily tighter no matter how much she tried to ignore it. Maybe it had been there for a while, Emma wasn’t completely sure, but it had definitely become more noticeable since the events of the previous day.

Emma checked her phone almost obsessively, especially during the afternoon, when she knew Alyssa’s class had finished. But there were never any messages waiting for her. She tried not to jump to conclusions, but she couldn’t help but feel like Alyssa didn’t want to talk to her. Maybe ever again. God, senior year was going to be a nightmare.

By the time it was time to leave for the Open House, the ball of anxiety had reached almost painful levels. Emma gritted her teeth against the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach as she picked up the keys to her car.

“You know, it’s not mandatory,” Betsy said, frowning in concern. “You can always pick up your schedule on the first day of class.”

“No, I’m going,” Emma said. “Besides, mom and dad are expecting me and if I don’t show, they’ll think that I don’t care about my future or something.”

Betsy didn’t look completely happy, but she let her go.

The drive to school wasn’t too long; about ten minutes – but for some reason it felt like the longest ten minutes of her life. She supposed it was because she hadn’t done the trip in a while, it being summer vacation and all.

Emma pulled into the parking lot and took a deep breath. She was a little early, so she took a moment to sit there and focus on calming herself down. She’d be seeing her parents again for the first time in a week. Alyssa would almost definitely be there, too, and Emma didn’t know at all how _that_ was going to go.

When she felt ready, she got out of her pick-up truck and made her way to the front entrance of James Madison High. Part of her couldn’t quite believe that there was only one year of school left. A larger part of her wished that she were already done and graduated – off to god knows where to try and be an adult. Emma still didn’t really know what she wanted to do with her life, but she knew that it wasn’t what her mom and dad wanted her to do.

She stood there, waiting, as families filed in past her. She kept her phone in hand, just in case her parents called with an explanation as to why they were running a little late, but there was nothing.

She didn’t see Alyssa and her mom, although she suspected that they were already inside. Being the head of the PTA, it was likely that Mrs Greene had finished work early to help set up the school.

Emma craned her neck, trying to discern if the car that had just pulled into the lot was her dad’s. It wasn’t.

Maybe they’d gotten the time wrong. Maybe they’d been held up in traffic. Sucking in a steadying breath, Emma sent a text to her mom asking if they’d be there soon. She tapped the phone against her leg, turning the volume up to make sure she didn’t miss any incoming texts or calls.

Emma didn’t know how long she waited for, only that she was now pretty late for the Open House. She held out hope that her parents would show up, but even that began to fade as time passed. Eventually, and with a horrible sinking feeling in her gut, Emma knew she couldn’t deny the truth any longer.

Her parents weren’t coming.

Emma swallowed, steeling herself as she spun on her heel and walked into the school alone. She tried to keep her chin up, ignoring the stares she was starting to get the more families she walked past. She was the only person who didn’t have at least one parent with them.

She picked up her class schedule from the office, barely even looking at it before shoving it into the satchel she’d brought with her. Honestly, right now she didn’t particularly care. Throughout the process, her phone stayed silent.

It wasn’t fair. Her parents didn’t get to yell at her about school, tell her grandma they’d be there for the Open House, and then just not turn up. All the positive things that Emma had been trying to tell herself throughout the day, about how she might be able to fix things with them, now left a sour taste in her mouth.

She wanted to turn around and run, go back home to the farm, and eat ice cream with her grandma while they watched tv and didn’t talk about all the shitty things that Emma’s parents had done over the years. Objectively, missing Open House wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but it was enough for Emma’s patience with them to run out.

Deciding to stay a little longer, if only to spite them, Emma started to wander around the various extra-curricular booths that had been set up in the gym. There was a science club that sounded like it could be pretty cool, and some music-related things that Emma would definitely get involved in if she were braver.

Alyssa had always liked it when she played guitar, so she couldn’t be that bad. Emma’s heart constricted in her chest at the thought of Alyssa.

What if she’d ruined everything? No, there had to be a way to fix this. Emma just wished she knew what was going on in Alyssa’s head, because at least then she’d know where to start. Truthfully, she kind of wished she knew what was going on inside her own head. Everything was just so all over the place in her life, but if she could just solve at least one problem… maybe things would start looking up.

Emma meandered around the room, picking up a few flyers in a sort of trance and putting them in her bag along with the schedule. She still felt like she was waiting for her parents to burst in through the door, with an apology and an explanation as to why they were so late, but it didn’t happen. Emma wondered if they’d forgotten; if she actually meant that little to them.

She didn’t know what would be worse – if they’d genuinely forgotten, or if they’d not come on purpose.

It took literally walking into a stranger by accident to snap Emma out of the hazy mess that was her thoughts. She apologized quickly, blinking a few times as the gym came into sharper focus.

Then, almost like the universe was playing a cruel trick on her, the sea of people parted to reveal Alyssa, standing near a booth on the other side of the room.

Emma’s heart ached even just looking at her. It had only been a day since she’d last seen Alyssa (and up until recently she’d only see her once a week) but it still felt like too long. She looked beautiful. She also looked as tired as Emma felt, and Emma felt a pang in her chest. It felt like she couldn’t do anything but stare at her, frozen in place and unable to look away.

Alyssa turned, and their eyes met, and Emma felt everything she’d been trying to hold back wash over her in an instant. Even though they were far apart, it seemed to Emma as though they were back in that stream, hypnotized by their own proximity and with the distance between them decreasing even further. She could almost feel the water lapping against her t-shirt, could almost see the way Alyssa – holding herself up to stop them from colliding – had blocked the sun in such a way that it had looked like she was glowing, just like that time at the fair. The memory of the kiss burned hot against her lips.

Emma’s heart began to beat faster in her chest, thumping so loudly that she briefly wondered if anyone else could hear it. Alyssa looked almost shocked to see her there, and Emma was suddenly very aware of how she must look – stood there by herself, completely lost in a sea of families. Alyssa looked conflicted, rocking back and forth on her heels slightly. It looked like she was trying to talk herself into, or out of, coming over.

The selfish part of Emma silently begged Alyssa to walk over to her, to reassure her that they’d be okay. She wondered if she was imagining the longing look she thought she could see in Alyssa’s eyes.

The universe clearly wasn’t done messing with her, though, because all of a sudden Mrs Greene was walking up behind Alyssa with an insane number of flyers clutched in her hands. Alyssa almost jumped out of her skin when her mom started talking and although Emma couldn’t hear what she said, it seemed to alarm Alyssa.

Mrs Greene looked at Emma, who all of a sudden felt two inches tall under the heat of her glare. Whether or not she knew any of what had happened between her and Alyssa, it was clear that she didn’t approve of Emma at all. Emma fidgeted nervously with the cuff of her flannel shirt, immediately self-conscious of how she was dressed.

She could feel the panic rising in her throat, her heart beating louder and more erratically, and she didn’t know what to do. Everything was too fast and too much. Alyssa looked terrified, and Emma knew she probably did as well.

All hopes of reconciliation going out the window, Emma turned and fled.

 

In all honesty, Emma realized that she probably shouldn’t have driven home in the mental state she was in. Luckily, she made it back to her grandma’s farm unscathed, gripping the steering wheel so hard her knuckles turned white.

She felt like she’d been holding back tears since her parents hadn’t shown up at Open House, and probably even before that. She didn’t know if she could hold them back any longer. Feeling the tell-tale burn behind her eyes, Emma locked her car and stumbled to the front door. Just before she went inside, she swore she heard a whinny coming from the Greene’s barn, and for some reason that was what broke her.

Almost choking on the violent sob that erupted from her throat, Emma let the front door shut behind her. In an instant, Betsy was there, her expression of mild concern turning into one of worry as soon as she saw her.

Emma reached out her arms, like a child, falling into her grandma’s embrace as she cried. The sadness, the frustration, the feelings of never being enough – they all overwhelmed her and came spilling out as one, and she was powerless to stop it.

Her parents didn’t care about her.

Alyssa regretted kissing her.

She’d screwed up every relationship in her life except for the one with the person currently holding her, smoothing her hair back and pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

“What happened?” Betsy asked, once Emma had gotten the worst of the crying out.

Emma’s answer came broken, through a hiccup. “They—they didn’t even come. I was—alone, they left me.”

She didn’t specify who ‘they’ were, but there wasn’t really anyone else it could have been. Betsy seemed to understand, at any rate.

“Oh, sweetie,” she whispered, holding Emma tighter as fresh tears spilled from her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Emma said. “I just—I just thought they were coming. Dad said they were coming, right?”

“He did,” her grandma said. “He said they’d be there. I am so sorry they let you down. I should have been there for you.”

“It’s not your fault,” Emma said, hating the way her voice trembled. “Not your fault I’m a disappointment.”

“Emma Nolan,” Betsy said sternly, pulling back to look her in the eye. “You are not a disappointment. You are a strong, kind, brave, wonderful girl, and if your idiot parents can’t see that, then they don’t deserve you.”

Emma sniffed. “That’s your son, and his wife.”

“And?” Betsy scoffed.

That drew a watery laugh from Emma. Filled with a rush of love and affection for her grandma, and still a little disorientated from the events of the day, she made a snap decision on something she’d wanted to do for a long time, but had never had the courage. Maybe it was self-sabotage, or a secret test. Maybe she just couldn’t hold it in any longer. Maybe she didn’t want to hold it in any longer. She didn’t know why, but now weirdly felt like the perfect moment.

“Grandma,” Emma took a deep breath. “I—I’m a lesbian.”

Betsy’s eyes crinkled as she smiled softly. “Okay. Thank you for trusting me with that, honey.”

“You’re okay with it?” Emma asked, unable to stop the feeling of insecurity bubbling to the surface.

“Emma, I would not change a _single_ thing about you,” her grandma promised. “I love you.”

Tears sprang to Emma’s eyes again, but this time they were tears of sheer relief. It was like a lead weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Of course, there were still the same feelings of sadness and confusion and anxiety regarding her situations with both her parents and with Alyssa, but for the first time in a while it wasn’t the foremost thought in her head.

She hugged her grandma tightly once more as curiosity took over. “Did you know already?”

Betsy chuckled slightly. “I did.”

“You never said anything.”

“It wasn’t my place,” Betsy said. Emma felt her shrug. “I figured you’d come out when you were good and ready.”

Emma closed her eyes, exhaling deeply for what felt like the first time in over a week. “Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

If Alyssa had felt awful about herself when she’d made things awkward after the kiss, then she felt a million times worse watching Emma run out of the gym at the Open House.

She wanted to go after her. She wanted to do that more than anything in the world, but she was so conscious of her mother standing right behind her, no doubt watching Emma go with such a cold look in her eyes that it was a wonder the room didn’t freeze over.

Alyssa hadn’t told her anything, of course, but she knew her mom could tell something had happened to Alyssa. No doubt, she blamed the Nolan family. Alyssa wanted to scream at her mother that neither Emma nor Betsy had done a single thing wrong. All of this was Alyssa’s fault.

She was the one who had kissed Emma. She was the one who had backtracked afterwards. She was the one who had probably confused Emma beyond reason. She was the one who wasn’t brave enough to reach out to her. She was the one who had sent Emma running away.

When Alyssa had broken the kiss, she’d been waiting for the familiar feeling of wrongness to envelop her. When that hadn’t happened, it had scared her. Had terrified her, even, because instead of feeling wrong like she’d expected, everything about kissing Emma had felt so _right_.

Her entire world had started to shift in that moment – thoughts and feelings that she hadn’t been able to examine until that night when she’d given up on trying to sleep. Things about being gay that she’d been told her entire life which had been a lie, and so many things she was now learning; about herself and about how she wanted her life to be.

All because of one kiss.

She’d wanted to call Emma, or text her, but Alyssa hadn’t known how to even begin to explain what was going on in her head. Besides, she wanted to speak to Emma in person. She’d had the opportunity at the Open House – when she’d spotted Emma across the room, Alyssa had wondered what the catch was.

The catch had turned out to be her mother.

Now, Alyssa was at a loss. She didn’t know what to do, because she’d clearly made things even worse than she anticipated. She needed to do something, she just didn’t know what.

She liked Emma. She _really_ liked Emma, and she wanted more than anything to be with her – to be able to hold her hand, and kiss her again, and to have all the things that came with dating her. But she was scared.

Because she lived where she lived, and her mom was her mom, and Alyssa wasn’t as brave as she wanted to be. She didn’t want her fear to win out over her feelings for Emma, but that was what seemed to be happening.

And she was pretty sure Emma had feelings for her, too – now that Alyssa had been able to think about it a bit, Emma had kissed her back, and had done a lot of blushing around her, and had reacted with clear disappointment when Alyssa had apologized after their kiss. So, it wasn’t like before – where she hadn’t had any idea whether or not Emma felt the same way.

It should have made things simpler. But now all it did was mean that they couldn’t ignore it. There was no chance of them pretending like it never happened. Besides, Alyssa didn’t want to pretend like it never happened.

The next few days passed agonizingly slowly for Alyssa and, before she knew it, it was Friday evening. Since pretty much the start of her friendship with Emma, Alyssa had gone next door every Saturday morning, but now she wondered if she would even be welcome there.

She sat in Pebbles’ stall just before she was due to put him out in the field, staring blankly ahead and not really paying attention. Overthinking. She was so out of it that she didn’t even register her mother’s footsteps until she was opening the stable door and stepping inside.

Alyssa blinked, her vision coming into focus as she looked up at her mom.

“What are you doing?” Mrs Greene asked, folding her arms. She’d clearly not long been home from work. Alyssa suspected that her mother had only come out here because she hadn’t been in the house waiting for her.

“Nothing,” Alyssa shrugged.

“Don’t lie to me, Alyssa Greene,” her mom said impatiently. “You’ve been distant all week, don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

Alyssa prayed that her face remained impassive. She really didn’t need her mom pressuring her to talk about things that she really would not like to hear. If she knew what was on Alyssa’s mind, and specifically _who_ was on her mind, she wouldn’t be asking.

“You go back to school next week,” her mother reminded her. “It won’t be very advantageous to you if you’re this distracted, so spill.”

The way she was talking made Alyssa’s skin start to crawl. This didn’t feel like a caring mother-daughter talk – it felt like an interrogation.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Alyssa muttered. She could tell instantly that it had been the wrong thing to say.

“Teenagers,” Mrs Greene tutted. “You all think your problems are the end of the world. Did you have a fight with Kaylee and Shelby? Because I’m sure you’ll get over it.”

Alyssa sighed. “No, mom, I didn’t have a fight with Kaylee and Shelby.”

“Then what’s got you acting so moody?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

Alyssa hated sounding like a stereotypical ungrateful kid, but the thing was, her mother genuinely wouldn’t understand what she was going through.

“Try me,” she said.

For a split-second, Alyssa considered it. She considered just saying something like ‘ _hey mom, I’m gay and I have a crush on Emma Nolan. You know, the granddaughter of our next-door neighbor who you hate? Oh, and we kissed, but now things are weird and I don’t know what to do because everyone in this stupid town is a raging homophobe, including you._ ’

But she thought that her mother might actually have a heart attack if she said all that. Besides, the thought of coming out to her mom at all, let alone that brazenly, terrified her. She wanted so badly to believe her when she said she would understand, but a lifetime of past experience stopped her. She knew in her heart that, for now at least, her mom wouldn’t get it.

“For heaven’s _sake_ , Alyssa,” Mrs Greene had evidently grown tired of waiting. She strode towards her, reaching down and pulling Alyssa up by the arm. Alyssa flinched, panic spiking momentarily as it always did when her mom grabbed her unexpectedly.

In a flash, Pebbles was there. He shouldered his way in between Alyssa and her mom, ears pinned back and nostrils flared. Mrs Greene stumbled backwards a few paces with a surprised shout. Alyssa stood, frozen, with her back against the wall.

Mrs Greene glared at the horse, reaching out a hand as if to strike him, and that was what it took to snap Alyssa out of it.

“Mom, no!”

Mrs Greene paused, more out of surprise than anything else. “You should teach him some manners.”

“He was just trying to protect me,” Alyssa insisted.

“From what?”

“From _you_ ,” Alyssa yelled, voice breaking suddenly. “You can’t come in here and demand to know what’s going on with me and then get angry when I don’t want to tell you! All that does is make me not want to tell you things!”

“Alyssa—”

“Pebbles picks up on my mood,” Alyssa barrelled on. “He knows if I’m scared, so he puts himself between me and the thing that’s scaring me.”

“How on earth am I scaring you?” her mom scoffed.

Alyssa just stared at her. “You really don’t have a clue, do you?”

Anger and defiance coursed through her veins. Her mother glared back at her, and Alyssa could practically feel how heavy with uncomfortable tension the air between them was. For a long moment, neither of them said anything, and then Mrs Greene took a huge breath.

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” she sighed. “It’s been a long few days at work.”

Alyssa didn’t say anything for a moment. Of course she was going to blame it on work; it was her standard move, which also reminded Alyssa that her mom was a single parent who worked very hard. It wasn’t untrue, but it still didn’t excuse moments like this.

“Okay,” Alyssa said, finally. It wasn’t okay.

“I’m going to make a start on dinner,” her mom said, straightening her blazer. “Don’t stay out here too long.”

Alyssa watched with her jaw clenched as her mom retreated, only exhaling once she was out of the barn. She didn’t take all the negative energy with her. It lingered instead, seeking Alyssa out and making her feel like she couldn’t breathe.

Tears of frustration came to her eyes and she wrapped her arms around Pebbles’ neck, burying her face into his mane as if trying to hide the fact she was crying, even though there was nobody to hide it from.

Pebbles stood quietly, a completely different animal than the one he’d been when he’d barged between Alyssa and her mom. Sometimes Alyssa didn’t know how she’d cope without her overgrown therapy dog.

“Thank you,” she whispered into his neck.

She pulled back to scratch behind his ear. Pebbles leaned into her hand contentedly, and Alyssa felt another wave of affection along with the tears. Even though Pebbles had thrown her and Emma into the stream earlier in the week, she’d forgiven him for that. He’d probably just seen something and gotten spooked.

Or not.

Brow creasing, Alyssa wondered if maybe he’d done it on purpose. It sounded ridiculous even in her own head, but Pebbles hadn’t actually run away. He’d stayed close by, and had allowed himself to be caught easily when Alyssa had finally fumbled her way back to dry land.

Pebbles had always been so attuned to Alyssa’s emotions. What if, as stupid as it seemed, he’d picked up on the way she felt about Emma and had decided to do something about it? She looked at him, wondering if her horse was really that smart. Not for the first time, she wished he could actually talk to her.

“What am I going to do?” she sighed. “Things are so awkward now, and I hate it.”

Pebbles just blinked at her.

“I really like her,” Alyssa said softly. “But I can’t—nobody at school can know that I’m gay. Not to mention mom.”

Alyssa opened the door to the stall, walking out to the field as Pebbles trailed behind her. Whatever happened, she needed to fix things with Emma, because they couldn’t go on like this. She just wished there was a way that it could all work out. Ideally with more kissing involved because, before the fear had set in, Alyssa had really enjoyed the kissing part.

In fact, Alyssa didn’t know how she was meant to see Emma without thinking about kissing her again.

She felt calmer now that there was some distance between her and her mother. If she could just keep her sexuality a secret from her until college… maybe things wouldn’t be so bad. Still, that was a year off, and with the clock counting down to Saturday morning, Alyssa felt like – at least as far as the situation with Emma was concerned – she had a decision to make.

 

* * *

 

On Saturday morning, the time that Alyssa usually showed up at the front door came and went.

Emma tried not to let it get to her, but she couldn’t help the lump that formed in her throat when she checked the time on her phone to see that, last week, Alyssa would have been here fifteen minutes ago. There were no new messages, either. Not from her parents, and not from Alyssa.

Swallowing bitterly, Emma stood up from the couch. She’d been doing her Saturday chores by herself for a long time before Alyssa, so she could do it again. Still, it hurt. It hurt that Emma had ruined everything with one kiss, even if it had been (in her opinion, anyway) the best kiss in the history of kisses.

Emma took her glasses off and swiped at her eyes roughly. She’d get over it eventually. She replaced her glasses and put on her boots in the hallway, straightening up and mentally preparing herself for the day ahead before pulling the front door open.

On the other side, out of breath and holding up a hand as if just about to knock, was Alyssa.

Emma’s breath caught in her throat and her stomach dropped at the sight of her. She looked even prettier than Emma remembered, wearing the same pair of overalls as she had been the day Pebbles had jumped the fence between them – the pair that cut off into shorts. She was wearing a pink t shirt underneath, and her usual ankle boots. Her hair was wild and untamed, her face clean of make-up.

“Hey,” she said quietly.

Emma was dumbstruck. “Hi. I didn’t—I didn’t think you would…”

Alyssa looked crestfallen. “I’m so sorry. My mom was running late and—and I didn’t want to just text you because I didn’t know if you’d deleted my number or something and as soon as she was gone I ran over here, I swear.”

There was a lot to unpack in what Alyssa had just said, but one thing stood out to Emma.

“You thought I would delete your number?”

Alyssa opened her mouth and closed it again, shrugging helplessly. “I wouldn’t have blamed you.”

Emma couldn’t help the way her eyes filled with tears. “I thought you were the one who didn’t want to speak to me,” she said. “You didn’t text, or call, and I thought I’d ruined everything.”

“I thought _I_ ruined everything,” Alyssa said, shaking her head fiercely even as her voice started to waver.

“You didn’t,” Emma promised. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Can—can I hug you?” Alyssa asked uncertainly.

Emma didn’t respond. Instead, she stepped forward over the threshold and threw her arms around Alyssa. She felt Alyssa’s arms wrap tightly around her waist, bunching the material of Emma’s shirt with her hands.

For a long moment, they just held each other close. Emma closed her eyes as Alyssa’s familiar smell enveloped her, resting her chin on her shoulder as she felt herself start to relax a little. She knew she had missed Alyssa a lot this week, but she was still overwhelmed by how much just being with her again calmed her.

Of course, the nerves were still there. But Alyssa was here, and she didn’t hate Emma, and maybe there was a way to fix things after all. She felt Alyssa’s nose press against her neck, tickling the skin there whenever she exhaled, and she screwed her eyes shut tighter.

Eventually, they let go. Emma kept her eyes downcast, knowing that if she looked Alyssa in the eyes right away, she wouldn’t be able to help kissing her, which probably wouldn’t be the best idea right now.

She cleared her throat, needing a change of topic. “Do you—I mean, are you still here for the farm education?”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” Alyssa said, her voice soft.

 

Pretty much all the chores for the day were based in the yard and in the barn, and it was all relatively easy work. Such was Emma’s distraction at having Alyssa near her again, that it was probably for the best. She lost count of the number of things she narrowly avoided walking into.

Things weren’t back to normal by any means, but they were a lot better than they had been. Better than Emma had dared to hope for when she’d woken up that morning. The subject of the kiss hung between them, and Emma didn’t know if she was brave enough to bring it up. How would she even go about it?

‘ _Hey, Alyssa, remember that time we kissed? Well, I’d like to do that again if that’s okay with you, but you probably don’t want to which is fine even if it hurts._ ’ No, that would be a terrible idea.

About an hour into their work, Alyssa spoke up, her voice serious.

“Emma?”

Emma hummed, glancing up to see Alyssa looking at her from across the barn’s corridor with a very slight frown, like she was mulling something over in her head.

“At the Open House,” Alyssa began, taking a deep breath. “Where were your parents?”

Emma let out a hollow laugh. “They didn’t show up.”

“What?”

“I don’t even know why,” Emma said, clutching the broom she was holding tighter. The pain of it had faded a little over the course of the week, but it still hurt. “My dad told my grandma they’d meet me at the school and then… they just didn’t arrive. No explanation.”

“You haven’t heard from them at all?” Alyssa asked, eyebrows drawn together in concern.

Emma shook her head. “Clearly I’m just too much of a disappointment to bother with.”

“Don’t say that,” Alyssa said. “They’re the disappointments, not you.”

“I can’t help thinking that if they’re like this with me now,” Emma sighed, “then what are they going to do if they find out I’m gay? I wouldn’t put it past them to actually disown me.”

“I feel the same way about my mom,” Alyssa said, after a long pause. “She’s already so judgemental of me, and if she knew that I—”

Alyssa sucked in a breath, glancing up to meet Emma’s eyes before continuing.

“If she knew that I’m a lesbian, all hell would break loose.”

Although it was a serious conversation, Emma couldn’t help the small smile that pulled at her lips. Alyssa looked at her nervously, as if she couldn’t quite believe what she’d just said.

“Alyssa Greene, did you just come out to me?”

Alyssa laughed suddenly. “That’s—that’s the first time I’ve said it out loud. Oh my god.”

“Feels okay, right?” Emma asked. Even though she’d sort of guessed that Alyssa was a lesbian – recent events having helped with that – hearing her actually say it was a whole other thing.

Alyssa nodded, biting her bottom lip. “Yeah. It does.”

“Speaking of coming out,” Emma said, and to her joy it was like they were slipping back into their old patterns. “I told my grandma about me.”

“You did?” Alyssa’s eyes went wide.

“I didn’t mention you, don’t worry,” Emma reassured her quickly. “I was… not in a good frame of mind when I got back from Open House and it all just kind of happened. She said she already knew.”

Alyssa shuffled nervously at the implication of what had happened at the Open House. “Emma, listen, I’m really sorry about the silent treatment. I wanted to say something, but I just didn’t know how to… I don’t even know, but I should have done something.”

“It’s okay,” Emma said. “I just wish I knew what you were thinking.”

“Me too,” Alyssa huffed, taking a few steps closer to her. “I think my head needed a lot of unjumbling this week.”

Emma was hypnotized by her. “And? Did you manage to unjumble things?”

“A bit,” Alyssa said. She looked somewhat terrified, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes. “Emma, I—I like you.”

Emma’s mouth went dry. Her stomach swooped. This was not where she had been expecting the conversation to go.

“I mean, I have _feelings_ for you,” Alyssa clarified. “And then when we… when we kissed, I got scared, because the thought of kids at school knowing that I like girls was too much. The thought of what my mother would do to both of us if she found out that I’d kissed you…”

This was the first time either of them had mentioned the kiss out loud, and Emma’s memory instantly flashed back to that moment, as it had so many times that week. She wasn’t sure exactly what it was that Alyssa was saying, but her heart started thumping as the realization that Alyssa really did have feelings for her – present tense – set in.

“I’m scared, and right now I can’t let anyone except you know about me,” Alyssa continued. “But I don’t want—I don’t want to let me being scared take away the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Emma was stunned. Part of her couldn’t believe what Alyssa was saying; she must be dreaming somehow, because never in a million years had she expected her to say all of this. She wanted to pinch herself, just in case, but this was real. It was happening.

“Please say something,” Alyssa begged, making Emma realize that she’d been silent since the beginning of Alyssa’s confession.

“I think I’ve had a crush on you since you hit me in the head at the summer fair,” Emma blurted out.

“What?” Alyssa said weakly.

“I mean,” Emma cleared her throat, taking a couple of tentative steps closer. “I thought I was the sad, hopeless person who fell for the straight girl, and who never had a chance. I was okay with that. But then we kissed and, I don’t know, I don’t think I’d ever been that happy in my life.”

Alyssa’s eyes looked watery. She was taking deep breaths, her chest rising and falling a little erratically as Emma drew closer still.

“And then you apologized, and started to say that you shouldn’t have,” Emma continued. “And I started worrying that you’d realized you’d made a huge mistake. That I’d read it all wrong.”

“You didn’t,” Alyssa sniffed slightly. “You didn’t read it wrong. I just panicked because… because, well, I’d never been that happy either, and it terrified me.”

“I guess we’re both scared, huh?” Emma said. Alyssa nodded slowly at her, eyes wide.

“What happens now?”

Emma took a deep breath, holding out her free hand. Alyssa took it, lacing their fingers together. Sparks shot up Emma’s arm, and she realized that even though they had kissed, holding hands was still unchartered territory. They weren’t visible to anyone on either Nolan or Greene land, which gave Emma the confidence she needed to answer Alyssa’s question.

“I just want you,” she said honestly. “I want to be with you, but I get it if you can’t. The last thing I want to do is force you out of the closet when you’re not ready.”

A tear fell from Alyssa’s eye. “I want to be with you, too.”

Emma swallowed hard, bracing herself for the gentle let-down. “But?”

“I can’t let my mom find out. Or the kids at school, I just… can’t,” Alyssa said sadly. “But the thing is, all I really want is _you_.”

A sudden spark of hope flared in Emma’s chest as an idea struck her. “We could keep it a secret.”

“We could?” Alyssa asked.

“Technically, I’m not out at school either,” Emma pointed out. “Or to my parents.”

Alyssa looked like she hardly dared believe where this conversation was going. Emma felt the same way. It definitely wouldn’t be easy, but maybe this was the way through it that she’d been searching for.

“Are you sure about this?” Alyssa asked, her eyes searching Emma's own. “About me?”

Emma nodded. “More than anything. Are you?”

Alyssa’s face broke out into a giddy smile, tear tracks still fresh on her cheeks. “Yes. God, Emma, of course I am.”

“Good,” Emma said, barely aware of the words coming out of her mouth. “Because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about doing this.”

“Doing wh—”

Emma kissed her, the broom she’d somehow still been hanging onto clattering to the floor, immediately forgotten. Her hand came up to cup Alyssa’s cheek instead, and her slight worry at cutting Alyssa off in the middle of her sentence faded away as soon as she felt Alyssa kiss her in return. Alyssa melted against her, one hand on her back and the other still holding on to Emma’s.

Emma didn’t know how, but this kiss might have been even better than the first one. She wondered if every kiss would be better than the last. She couldn’t wait to find out. Feeling Alyssa pressed against her like this was as close to being intoxicated as Emma had ever been. Surely this was what addiction felt like.

She made to pull back, her heart fluttering when Alyssa chased after her lips. Emma let herself fall into another kiss, finally untangling their fingers so that she could slide her hand into Alyssa’s hair. She felt Alyssa’s hands move to her waist, pulling the two of them even closer together.

Alyssa’s lips were soft. Emma wondered if she’d ever get tired of feeling them against her own. Somehow, she doubted she would. Her thumb stroked over Alyssa’s cheekbone, reminding her that not too long ago she had been crying. The thought made Emma’s heart hurt. She kissed her firmer this time, almost like she was trying to make up for whatever her part had been in Alyssa’s sadness. Trying to reassure her that everything would be okay.

Alyssa seemed eager to reciprocate, kissing her with just enough urgency that Emma felt chills spread through her body and down to her toes. She felt like she wasn’t able to catch her breath, but she honestly couldn’t care less about that. In that moment, she didn’t care about whatever was going wrong in her life, because she knew at last where she and Alyssa stood.

All that mattered right now was her and Alyssa, standing in the dusty barn on her grandma’s farm while everything around them faded into nothingness.

All that mattered was the tips of Alyssa’s fingers digging into her skin through the fabric of her shirt as she kissed her over and over again.

All that mattered was them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well we could only keep up the angst for so long before giving them a break! but like, the angst isn't over and neither is this fic - that's right, you're stuck with us a little longer!
> 
> as always, comments make the world go round and keep us motivated - each and every comment is so so appreciated even if i never know how to reply to them, please know that i do a little happy dance each time i get a comment notification :)))
> 
> next chapter will come whenever it's written, almost certainly within the next couple of weeks?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! sorry this chapter took a little longer, the writing gods were not smiling on me until a couple of days ago, but hopefully this chapter being 8.6k words makes up for it? it was a difficult chapter to write, not gonna lie, because the second arc that maria and i have planned (the first arc being them getting together) takes place several months after the events of the first 4 chapters. we didn't want to do a complete time skip, so this chapter ended up being a way to start bridging the gap between summer and the point at which the rest of the action happens.
> 
> enjoy!

Alyssa wondered more than a few times if Betsy somehow knew about her and Emma.

For a start, they’d been kissing in the barn long enough to make them late for lunch. Eventually they had gone inside, Alyssa smoothing out her hair as best she could before they’d entered the house. Emma’s cheeks had been bright pink, and she’d been unable to look at Alyssa without her blush deepening. Alyssa had found it adorable.

Betsy had been looking at them strangely for the whole of lunch. Alyssa didn’t know how much Emma had told her about their time apart, but it had been clear to see that Betsy had noticed a huge change in Emma’s mood.

Even before they had kissed the first time, Betsy had been encouraging them together. Alyssa had wondered at the time if that had been the case, but she was almost sure of it now. And to her surprise, the prospect of Emma’s grandma knowing about them didn’t terrify her as much as she thought it would.

She’d much prefer it if Betsy didn’t ask them what was going on, though, because actually answering that question and saying it all out loud to anyone other than Emma was still a scary thought.

Emma was more than a little awkward the first time Alyssa entered her room after their kiss. Alyssa was nervous, too – even though she’d been in there what felt like a million times before, everything felt different now. Everything _was_ different, because provided they were alone, Alyssa was coming to the realization that she could kiss Emma if she wanted to.

And she wanted to. A lot.

They were careful, though. Because this relationship felt fragile, and sort of like they were fumbling their way through it so far. It being the first actual relationship either one of them had experienced, it was like both of them were taking a lot of care not to overstep any boundaries, which sometimes led to awkward moments. Alyssa wouldn’t trade it for the world, though.

School was a challenge, especially at the start.

“You do know I could just drive you to and from school, right?” Emma said, ten days into the semester and twelve days into their relationship.

After taking the bus and then walking home, Alyssa had gone straight next door and flopped down on Emma’s bed. The trek was a lot more effort than it was worth, but her mom had work and Kaylee had said that Alyssa lived too far out of her way to give her a ride.

“I know,” Alyssa sighed. “But—”

“People might see,” Emma guessed.

Alyssa nodded sadly. So far, it had been even more of a challenge seeing Emma at school and not being able to actually talk to her than she’d predicted. For all Kaylee refused to give Alyssa a ride to school, she and Shelby were glued to her side all day, every day. The only time she was apart from them was during their different lunch periods, but even then, there were still hundreds of eyes on her. She sat with the cheerleading squad in the cafeteria, sneaking glances over to where Emma was eating alone and wanting so badly to go over and sit with her.

“I’m sorry,” Alyssa said, shuffling up on the bed so that she could settle against her girlfriend’s side. “I wish there was a way I could spend time with you at school.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Emma said, pressing her lips to Alyssa’s temple. “For now, can we just… cuddle for a bit?”

A smile spread across Alyssa’s face. She lifted Emma’s arm and ducked underneath, snuggling further into her. Emma was always warm, and always smelled nice, and always held Alyssa like she was the most precious thing in the world. She loved it.

Part of her was still kicking herself for the amount of time it had taken for them to get to this point, but she was mostly just thankful that everything had actually worked out. Even a month ago, Alyssa could never have imagined that she could actually be with Emma, but now it was reality. Not being with her in public was hard, especially when she had to swallow her envy at seeing her straight classmates holding hands in the halls, but the prospect of coming out in front of them all was infinitely harder.

Alyssa sighed heavily as she closed her eyes. She heard Emma close her laptop and push it aside; felt Emma’s arms wrap around her as she leaned her cheek against the top of her head. Butterflies erupted in Alyssa’s stomach, as they always seemed to whenever Emma was this close.

It felt nice to be held like this.

Alyssa didn’t know how long they stayed in that position before there was a soft knock on the door. She tensed, but the door remained closed. Instead, Betsy’s voice drifted through.

“Emma, sweetie, it’s almost time for dinner,” she said. “Alyssa, you’re welcome to stay too.”

Alyssa heard Betsy’s footsteps retreat, and she relaxed again. She was well aware that cuddling wasn’t something strictly reserved for couples – even though she herself had never had the kind of friends that were into cuddling each other – but the prospect of someone finding them like that still made her nervous.

“Can you stay for dinner?” Emma asked.

Alyssa checked the time on her phone and winced. “No. Mom will be home before too long and I still have to feed Pebbles before she gets back.”

“Okay,” Emma said. Alyssa knew she was trying to hide the disappointment in her voice.

“Besides,” she continued, sitting up a bit further so she was face to face with Emma. “I don’t think I could physically eat two dinners, especially given the amount of food your grandma makes. My mother would definitely know I’d been fed elsewhere and then she would explode.”

Emma snorted. “Good point.”

“We still have Saturday lunch,” Alyssa pointed out. “I wouldn’t dream of breaking that tradition.”

Emma smiled at her, and Alyssa couldn’t help but lean in. She brushed their lips together in a featherlight kiss, letting her eyes slip closed. Deciding that one kiss wasn’t quite enough to satisfy her, she captured Emma’s lips again – this time with a little more purpose.

Alyssa pulled back after a few seconds, letting out a huff of laughter when she heard Emma whine at the loss. As much as she wanted to keep kissing Emma forever, she knew that if she didn’t leave now then she never would.

“I have to go,” Alyssa sighed.

Emma caught hold of her hand playfully, jutting out her bottom lip. “Babe…”

They both froze at the same time.

Alyssa’s heart felt like it actually skipped a beat when she heard what Emma said. It felt like it should be a small thing, and she’d never thought that she was a person who liked pet names, but coming from Emma’s lips… it felt kind of monumental.

Emma looked at her nervously. “Sorry, I didn’t know if you were okay with—”

Alyssa surged forwards, cutting off her apology pretty effectively. She cupped Emma’s face in her hands as they kissed, the tips of her fingers pressing into the roots of Emma’s hair. It was just a word, so why had it affected her like this? Maybe it was because nobody had ever called her ‘babe’ before and meant it as a term of endearment. Maybe it was because pretty much everything Emma said made Alyssa want to kiss her. Maybe it was because it reminded her that this relationship – however new it may be – was more than she could’ve ever dreamed of having.

Emma’s hands gripped Alyssa’s wrists as she kissed her back, and Alyssa was overcome with a sudden rush of affection for her girlfriend. Her  _girlfriend_. Distantly, Alyssa knew that she really did have to leave soon, but it seemed far less important than what she was doing right now.

It was Emma who broke the kiss. “So, you’re okay with it? Is that what you’re saying?”

“More than okay with it, _babe_ ,” Alyssa confirmed, smiling as their noses brushed together.

 

* * *

 

It took almost a month of them dating for Emma to have the idea.

A month of trying not to get caught staring at Alyssa in class, or at lunch. A month of knowing that Alyssa wouldn’t have to get the bus to and from school if their classmates weren’t such homophobic jerks. A month of waiting for Alyssa to come over after school to actually spend time with her. It wasn’t easy for either of them, and Emma had been wracking her brain trying to think of a way that they could see each other at school without arousing suspicion.

More than once Emma reflected on the fact that this would be so much easier if the kids at school didn’t already suspect that she was a raging lesbian.

Eventually, the idea struck her. In truth, Emma wondered why it had taken her so long to think of it, because this space was somewhere she’d come all the time during her first two years of high school when everything had gotten to be too overwhelming – and nobody ever checked it, least of all during lunch. There wasn’t even a window in the door. It was perfect.

The next morning, Emma got up a little earlier and made her way down to the kitchen before she left for school. She made sandwiches, packing them carefully into her messenger bag with some fruit and some packets of potato chips she found in her grandma’s cupboards. Betsy, of course, was already awake. She came to stand at Emma’s shoulder, watching what she was doing.

“School lunch not up to your standard anymore?” she asked casually.

“It never was,” Emma shrugged. “Tastes like plastic.”

Betsy hummed in agreement. “That’s a lot of food for one person.”

“Says you,” Emma replied, trying to keep a level voice while avoiding eye contact with her grandma.

Betsy just hummed again. Emma finished packing the food into her bag, tossing in the candy bar she had bought the previous day almost as an afterthought. She slung the strap of her bag over her shoulder and grabbed her car keys from the sideboard.

“Gotta go,” she said, hugging her grandma tight for a few seconds.

“Have a good day, kid,” Betsy said. “Something tells me you will.”

Trying to ignore the sudden feeling that her grandma knew exactly what she was planning and with whom, Emma scurried out of the front door. She sat in her truck, pulling out her phone to send Alyssa a text.

_lunch date today? i know a place x_

Alyssa’s reply came less than a minute later.

_But we can’t leave school at lunch x_

_we don’t have to! do you know where the band closet in the east wing is? x_

_I think so x_

Emma smiled, biting her lip as she sent the next message.

_meet me there at the start of lunch period? i’ve got the food covered x_

_You’re incredible… I’ll be there xxx_

Emma let out a sigh of relief. She’d hoped Alyssa would agree, but she knew that even meeting in a private place at school still carried the risk of being discovered. They’d have to be careful, but if this worked, then maybe it would be their way of spending time together at school.

She tucked her phone into the pocket of her jeans, turning the key in the ignition as she tried to temper the unfamiliar excitement at going to school. Out of everything Emma had felt over the past few months, this was perhaps one of the weirdest, but she welcomed it.

 

Waiting for lunch felt like torture. She had one of her shared classes with Alyssa in the morning and it was a struggle not to look over in her direction too much. It was so easy for her to get caught up in staring at her girlfriend – most of the time it was because Emma couldn’t quite believe that Alyssa was actually her girlfriend.

Emma’s last class before lunch period wasn’t too far from the band closet, so as soon as the class let out, she made her way there. The hallway was already deserted, to her relief, so she was able to slip through the door unnoticed.

The room hadn’t changed since Emma had last been in there; instruments still lined the walls and there still wasn’t much floor space, but there was enough to work with. Emma set her bag down on the floor and began to take the food out.

Her head shot up when she heard the door start to open, but it was just Alyssa. Emma’s face broke out into a nervous grin as she crouched on the ground with an apple in her hand, putting the finishing touches to whatever excuse for a picnic this had turned out to be. Alyssa’s expression lit up as she took everything in.

“It’s not much,” Emma warned. “We’ll have to sit on the floor and eat, but I made PB and J.”

Alyssa shook her head slowly. “This is amazing.”

She set her backpack down on an old amplifier, settling cross-legged on the ground opposite Emma and looking at her with soft eyes. Emma loved Alyssa’s eyes, especially when they were looking at her like that.

“I can’t believe it took me this long to think of using this place,” Emma said, handing Alyssa a sandwich. “I used to come here when I wanted to be alone.”

“Not anymore?” Alyssa asked.

Emma shook her head. “It was good when everything got too much, but in the end it started to make me feel isolated. I got enough of that normally without self-imposing it, too.”

“I know what you mean,” Alyssa said. “Even when I’m surrounded by people I feel like that.”

“Maybe you just didn’t surround yourself with the right people,” Emma said.

Alyssa smirked at her. “Well, I’m making up for that now. Because you, Emma Nolan, are the right people.”

Emma bit her lip and looked at the ground, a habit she was becoming more and more aware of the longer she dated Alyssa. She couldn’t help it if her girlfriend was perhaps the sweetest person alive.

Lunch went by far too quickly for Emma’s liking, especially considering every lunch period so far this year had dragged on for eternity, but at least she’d gotten to spend it with Alyssa. They picked up their trash and stood up about five minutes before the bell, facing each other in the tiny space of the band closet. Emma wondered if it was weird that she’d already started thinking of it as _their_ tiny space.

“Thank you for lunch,” Alyssa said, balling up an empty chip packet in one hand and taking a step closer.

“Yeah, of course,” Emma said. She, too, took a step forward, wrapping her arms loosely around Alyssa’s waist.

Alyssa’s arms looped around Emma’s neck and although Emma was only an inch taller than her, she still grinned as Alyssa pressed up slightly to kiss her. It was chaste and slow; both of them enjoying the fact that there was actually a way for them to kiss at school. Even when Alyssa broke the kiss she didn’t go far, leaning her forehead against Emma’s with a little sigh.

“How did I get this lucky?” she murmured.

Emma’s heart felt kind of like it might burst. “I’ve been asking myself the same thing since the fair.”

“I left that much of an impression, huh?”

“You didn’t laugh at me when I failed at the High Striker and you also bought me food because you felt bad about knocking me over,” Emma said. “I was yours from that moment on.”

She was only half-joking. It sounded so unbelievably cliched in her own head, but that day had completely changed her life. And sure, the day of their first kiss and the day they got together had done too, but none of that would have happened if they hadn’t had that first conversation.

If Alyssa had simply helped her up and they’d gone their separate ways, then they wouldn’t be here right now.

“Well, I think I’ve been yours for a lot longer than I realized,” Alyssa said, playing with a strand of Emma’s hair as she pulled back to look at her. “Do you know when I first found out I had feelings for you?”

Emma shook her head. “When?”

Alyssa smiled a little sheepishly. “Remember the first time I asked you to play your guitar for me?”

Emma’s brow furrowed. She did remember. “The first day we hung out in my room. You started hyperventilating.”

“Yeah, dummy, because I suddenly realized I wanted to kiss you and it freaked me out,” Alyssa laughed.

“Oh,” Emma said, Alyssa’s words starting to register. “ _Oh_.”

“Yeah,” Alyssa said. “Big ‘oh’ moment.”

“So… the tool shed,” Emma said slowly. “I wasn’t imagining you leaning in for a second?”

Alyssa just smiled at her, a faraway look in her eyes. They had perhaps been as close together as they were now, and Alyssa’s proximity still very much had the same effect on her, but Emma was more at ease this time.

“Can we do this again?” Alyssa asked. “Have lunch in here, I mean?”

“We could probably get away with it a couple times a week,” Emma said. “Any more often than that and the cheer squad might send out a search party for you.”

“True,” Alyssa sighed. She tilted her head as she regarded Emma. “Have I ever told you how amazing you are?”

Emma blushed, looking down at her feet. “I’m really not.”

She felt a finger underneath her chin, lifting her head up, and suddenly she was staring straight into Alyssa’s searching eyes.

“You are, trust me,” she said. “You’re amazing, and you’re sweet, and you’re thoughtful – I mean, you planned this for us.”

“Yeah, but—”

“No buts,” Alyssa cut her off. “You’re brave, and you’re clever. Not to mention the fact that you’re completely beautiful.”

Emma didn’t know what to say. Nobody had ever called her beautiful in that way before. She’d never really thought of herself as beautiful, period, but Alyssa said it with so much conviction that she might have started to believe it in that moment. Overwhelmed by the sudden rush of intense affection she felt, Emma pulled Alyssa into another kiss.

Alyssa made a surprised noise in the back of her throat but kissed her back eagerly. Emma hoped that she was able to put into the kiss everything she was feeling, because there was no way she could express it in words. She knew that there was, in fact, a word for what she was feeling – or at least what she thought she was feeling – but she didn’t want to examine that too closely yet. It was far too early.

Emma knew they’d have to leave this little space soon, but she allowed herself to get caught up in kissing her girlfriend for just a few more seconds – before they had to face the real world again.

 

* * *

 

Alyssa had always known that Emma living with her grandma would be a temporary situation. And as much as she wanted Emma to be able to mend fences with her parents, she really liked having her girlfriend so close. So, when Emma came to her in a whirlwind of nervous energy as soon as Alyssa came in the front door after school and explained that her parents had called her that morning and wanted to work things out, of course Alyssa was happy for her, but her heart also sank a little at the prospect of not seeing her as often. Besides, quite frankly, Emma’s parents didn’t deserve her.

Emma had been through enough with her parents over the last couple of months, that much was for certain. Alyssa knew that since the Open House incident, they had expressed regret for not showing up, but they hadn’t done much more than that until now. She was pissed at Emma’s parents for what they’d done, and for taking this long to actually reach out to their own daughter, but she wasn’t about to try and take this away from Emma.

“Grandma’s already given them both an earful about what will happen if they do something like that again,” Emma said, which eased Alyssa’s mind a little.

“Good,” she said. “I’d threaten them too, if I could.”

“I know you would,” Emma grinned. She’d been with Alyssa on the phone in the aftermath of an almost-fight with her mom enough times to know Alyssa was deadly serious about giving them a piece of her mind. “You have a surprising amount of rage.”

“Just make sure they’re treating you right,” Alyssa said, glancing around before linking her fingers with Emma’s.

“I could say the same about you with your mom,” Emma said gently.

Alyssa sighed. Emma did have a point. Things hadn’t been too bad over the past couple of months, not since the time Pebbles had barged between them, but that didn’t mean that they were _good_.

“I know,” she said. “But I just don’t want your parents to let you down again. And…”

“And what?” Emma prompted, when she trailed off.

“It sounds selfish,” Alyssa closed her eyes briefly. “But I really love having you next door and I know I’m not going to see you as much because I can’t get to your parents’ house and besides, I doubt we’d be safe over there anyway—”

“Hey,” Emma squeezed her hand. “We’ll still have the band closet at lunch. I’ll still come here Fridays after school for the weekends. You can text me any time of the day and I’ll respond, even if it’s three in the morning, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I know it’s not the same,” Emma said. “But I really want to try and fix things with them. Maybe this was the wake-up call that they needed, and maybe now I’ll be able to have actual conversations with them about myself and my future without it all ending in a big argument.”

She sounded so hopeful that Alyssa couldn’t bear to put a damper on her mood. So, she took a deep breath and managed a smile, stepping forward to wrap Emma up in a tight hug. Her eyes closed as she rested her chin on Emma’s shoulder, taking comfort in how closely they were both holding each other. Things would be okay.

“Lunch tomorrow?” Alyssa asked.

“Definitely,” Emma said. Alyssa hid a giddy smile in Emma’s neck.

“Is everything okay?”

Alyssa’s eyes shot open to see Betsy standing in the doorway to the living room, looking at them both in concern. She let go of Emma, hoping that her face wasn’t giving them away. She was still pretty sure that Betsy suspected something was going on but, according to Emma, she’d never asked outright.

“It’s all fine,” Alyssa said. “Emma was just telling me the good news about her parents.”

Betsy hummed thoughtfully. “I’ve still half a mind to smack that son of mine upside the head.”

Alyssa bit her lip to contain her laughter. “Well if he, or Emma’s mom, does something like that again then I’ll join you.”

Betsy’s eyes sparkled. “Atta girl.”

“See, I have the best protection squad in the world,” Emma said. “I’ll be fine.”

“Emma and I are baking cupcakes for her to take back with her,” Betsy said. “It’s up to her if she hoards them all. Do you want to join in, Alyssa?”

Alyssa nodded eagerly. “I’d love to.”

Emma beamed at her as Betsy made her way into the kitchen. “I don’t go back to my parents’ house until tonight, so we’ve still got some time to spend together now.”

Alyssa glanced over to make sure Betsy was out of earshot before she leaned in to respond.

“I mean, I was sort of planning to spend the afternoon making out with you, but baking cupcakes works too.”

Leaving Emma to stutter in the hallway, Alyssa dashed away to join Betsy in the kitchen.

 

Once summer had ended, Pebbles had gone back to being in his stall at night, and now that it was starting to get colder, Alyssa brought out his stable blanket for the first time since the end of last winter. Her horse never really grew a thick winter coat like some other breeds did, so the lightweight rug helped him to keep warm at night.

The only problem was that Pebbles didn’t like to stand still while Alyssa put his rug on. The stable was a pretty small space, but Alyssa was always bewildered by just how effectively he could escape her within that space. Maybe the crisp chill in the air was affecting him.

“Pebbles, come on,” she groaned, as her horse skidded to a halt in the corner before whipping around at the speed of lightning.

She knew he wasn’t actually scared about anything; like with many of the things he did, he was doing it purely to be an asshole. She loved Pebbles dearly, but he sometimes went through phases of being a complete and utter drama queen.

Maybe she hadn’t been paying him enough attention. It was hard, because she was spending as much time with Emma as she could and ever since the stream incident, Emma had been even more wary of Pebbles. So riding together again was out of the question. Alyssa suspected that Pebbles was lonely being the only animal on Greene land, and she felt bad about not being able to keep him company more. Horses were herd animals, after all, and maybe keeping him apart from other horses meant that he relied even more upon her. Still, she’d find a way to balance things. She had to.

Once she’d finally managed to fasten the rug in place, Alyssa had to hurry back to the house for dinner. Her mother glanced at the clock as soon as she came in through the back door and Alyssa had to bite her tongue, because she knew exactly what she was thinking.

“Dinner’s ready,” was all that she said.

“Right. Thanks, mom,” Alyssa said, taking her shoes off and joining her in the kitchen to wash her hands.

Mrs Greene looked at her strangely all throughout dinner, and it was starting to make Alyssa’s skin crawl. An uncomfortable prickling sensation down her spine told her that her mother knew something; something about where Alyssa was spending so much of her time while she was still away at work.

Trying to reassure herself by reasoning that there was no way her mother could have found out about her and Emma’s relationship, Alyssa ate in silence. She almost made it through the meal before things went slightly south.

“How’s your school work coming along?” Mrs Greene asked.

“Really good,” Alyssa said. She wasn’t even lying; she was doing pretty well in all of her classes, and she was managing to stay on top of all her homework so far.

“Have you given any more thought to your scholarship applications?”

Alyssa put her fork down. “Not since you last asked me two days ago, no.”

“Don’t take that tone with me,” her mother said, a warning clear in her voice. “I simply want you to be prepared for college.”

Right. College. Alyssa had been pressured into applying for a variety of Ivy League schools around the country but, truthfully, she didn’t know what college she wanted to go to. She knew she wanted to go to college, preferably as far away from Indiana as possible, but she just didn’t know where.

There were only two things that held her back. Pebbles, and Emma.

She knew that relationships and pets shouldn’t dictate where she went to college, but Alyssa truly didn’t want to leave either of them behind. Emma was struggling herself with her own future – she’d applied to colleges with little enthusiasm but didn’t know what she wanted to do. Pebbles couldn’t go with her to college, Alyssa knew that much. Wherever she ended up, she’d have to leave Pebbles and potentially Emma behind.

She knew that she and Emma had only been together for a few months, but Alyssa wanted so badly for them to be in the same place come next fall. It was early, and maybe she didn’t know much about relationships, but she knew in her heart that she and Emma had the potential to be something really great. She knew, on a level that she wasn’t quite ready to confront just yet, that she had well and truly fallen for her.

It scared her, how deep her feelings for Emma went. But it was almost a good kind of scary.

Her mother’s questions, on the other hand, were a bad kind of scary. Alyssa knew she’d have to pick a college that her mother approved of, but she wasn’t so sure about how she’d cope with the stress of an Ivy League school – and that was assuming she’d even get in. She thought about the application to NYU that she hadn’t mentioned to her mother, as well as to a couple of other good schools that she hadn’t discussed with her either.

“I am prepared,” Alyssa said. “I’ve got straight A’s, I do extra-curriculars… I’ve done everything I can to prepare myself.”

She didn’t know whether she was fooling her mother. Hell, she didn’t even know whether she was fooling _herself_. But Alyssa knew that if she admitted that she didn’t feel ready to be an adult, then it would lead to a very unhelpful and never-ending lecture, so she kept her mouth shut.

 

* * *

 

December arrived and with it, all things religious and commercialized about Christmas.

Emma had never really been one for the magic of the holidays; her parents had spoiled the fact that Santa wasn’t real pretty early on in her childhood, and she’d never enjoyed going to church on Christmas day either. Christmas and Easter were still the only two days a year she went to church with her parents, and she wasn’t looking forward to being surrounded by her homophobic community. Emma suspected that she wouldn’t have minded church so much if she’d grown up somewhere more liberal, but this was small-town Indiana, so sue her if she just didn’t feel comfortable sitting there on a solid wooden pew knowing that the vast majority of the people there would want her kicked out if they knew she was a lesbian.

The only thing she was excited for about Christmas was potentially spending time with both her grandma and with Alyssa. She knew exactly what she was going to get Betsy; it was a running joke between them that Emma bought a random little knick-knack for her grandma to hide somewhere in the house so Emma could find it on Boxing Day. Emma wanted to get her something else too this year, to thank her for taking her in when things had gone wrong with her parents for a while. For accepting her when she’d come out. For being a safe space.

She had no idea what to get Alyssa, on the other hand.

She’d never had a girlfriend before, much less at Christmas, and she was at a complete loss for what to buy her. She knew of things that Alyssa liked, but she also didn’t want to arouse suspicion from either of their parents by getting her something too _couple-y_.

She was debating the pros and cons of asking someone for help, on a Saturday evening less than two weeks before Christmas, when her grandma took matters into her own hands entirely.

“So,” she started, getting Emma’s attention. “Do you know what you’re getting Alyssa for Christmas?”

Emma panicked for a second before she realized that friends got each other gifts too. In all fairness, she hadn’t really had any friends to buy Christmas presents for, either.

“Not yet,” she answered. “I feel like I’m starting to run out of time.”

“Hmm,” Betsy paused to think. “Is there something that’s personal to the two of you? Maybe something small that will mean a lot to her?”

“I—I don’t know,” Emma said, praying that her face wouldn’t give away just how many things were personal to just the two of them.

The fair, the stream, the band closet… there were a few key locations in their relationship even aside from their safe space of Emma’s room, but she didn’t know how to go about putting a time and place into a gift.

“What would you do?” she asked.

Betsy smiled wistfully, leaning back in her armchair. “When I was your age, I dreamed of naming a star after my girlfriend. Didn’t happen officially of course, but she appreciated the gesture.”

“I don’t know whether I can… wait, what?” Emma’s brain felt like it short-circuited for a million different reasons. The way her grandma was talking made it seem like she wasn’t speaking about a girl who was simply her friend, but rather a _girlfriend_. Like how Alyssa was Emma’s girlfriend.

“What?” Betsy asked.

“You had a girlfriend?” Emma asked, in a slightly strangled voice.

Betsy raised her eyebrows. “Oh, so you thought you were the only gay in the family?”

“Well… yeah,” Emma said dumbly. Her grandma barked out a sharp laugh.

“Oh honey. Just because I married your grandfather, heaven rest his soul, doesn’t make me straight,” she said.

“You never said anything,” Emma said. “Not even when I came out to you.”

“You never asked,” Betsy countered. “And I didn’t want to steal your thunder.”

“Wow,” Emma shook her head slowly, before another reason for her brain malfunction came back to her. “Um, I don’t know what you think is—Alyssa and I, we… we’re—”

“If you say ‘just friends’ I’m going to toss you out that window,” Betsy said. “Don’t think I won’t.”

Emma stammered for a few seconds before her grandma’s eyes softened.

“I won’t make you say it, darling,” she assured her. “But I’m not blind, you know.”

Emma knew she was blushing. Sometimes, it felt like she was never _not_ blushing. She felt a wave of relief wash over her at the realization that somebody knew about her and Alyssa, and it was all okay. Nothing had changed.

She thought back to what her grandma had actually said. She didn’t think she could actually name a star after Alyssa – that would perhaps be a little too obvious – but it sparked an idea in her.

 

* * *

 

Alyssa was proud of herself for not completely freaking out when Emma told her that Betsy knew about them. Emma had, of course, been quick to explain that she had guessed, and had been completely supportive, but it was clear that she’d been nervous to see Alyssa’s reaction.

Truth be told, Alyssa had felt a flash of panic when she heard, but it had been short-lived as she began to understand that there was somebody that they could be themselves around. Betsy Nolan was perhaps her favorite adult on the planet, and so if anybody was going to know about her and Emma, it was a relief that it was her.

Alyssa kind of felt like she was making progress in becoming more comfortable with herself, and it made her happier than she could have predicted. It was still baby steps though, because the prospect of either of their parents knowing was still a no-go as far as she was concerned.

She knew she wouldn’t be able to see Emma on Christmas Day itself, but fortunately her mother was visiting friends on Christmas Eve while Emma happened to be next door, and so Alyssa raced over as soon as her mother’s car disappeared from sight. She clutched Emma’s neatly wrapped present in the pocket of her coat, bracing herself against the cold.

Betsy was the one who opened the door to her, a bright smile spreading across her face as soon as she saw Alyssa.

“Is Emma around?” Alyssa asked, a little shyly. She knew Emma was, in fact, in the house, but it still felt right to ask.

Betsy smiled indulgently at her. “She is. Come on in.”

“Thank you.” Alyssa stepped inside, kicking off her boots as usual. Betsy offered to take her coat, winking conspiratorially when she saw the small box-shaped package Alyssa was holding behind her back.

“She’s in her room, I think,” Betsy said.  

Alyssa knew she had time before her mother came home again (her social visits always dragged on, especially at Christmas) but she still felt compelled to hurry up the stairs, pushing open the door to Emma’s room to find her girlfriend sat with her guitar in her lap and her eyes closed as she sang along to whatever song she was playing.

Emma yelped, the sound of the door opening having startled her out of her reverie. She scrambled to not drop her guitar, eyes now wide open as she saw Alyssa standing in the doorway.

“I’m so sorry,” Alyssa said, trying to fight the laughter bubbling up within her. “I didn’t mean to make you jump.”

“It’s okay,” Emma said, clearing her throat as she leaned the guitar against her bed and stood up. “I survived the heart attack, thankfully.”

“Accidentally killing my girlfriend would be the worst Christmas present ever,” Alyssa agreed, happily accepting the kiss that Emma gave her. She continued to hold the gift behind her back with one hand, the other threading through Emma’s hair.

Emma made a satisfied little noise against her mouth that Alyssa felt down to her toes. She doubted that she’d ever get tired of kissing Emma; not when she had this reaction to even the gentlest contact. Emma broke the kiss, her nose brushing against Alyssa’s and making her smile.

“Merry Christmas, Emma,” Alyssa said, bringing the gift out from behind her back and presenting it to her girlfriend.

Emma gasped, taking it from her carefully and looking at her with hopeful eyes. “Can I open it now?”

“I guess we can bend the rules a little, given we can’t see each other tomorrow,” Alyssa said.

“Wow, rule-bending Alyssa Greene is hot,” Emma joked, bringing a rush of heat to Alyssa’s face.

“Just open it,” she said, pushing Emma’s shoulder playfully.

Emma tore the wrapping paper, clearly not having the patience to unwrap it neatly, and Alyssa bit her lip nervously as she waited for her reaction to it. Emma paused as she saw the jewellery box, glancing up at Alyssa before she opened it with a lot more care than she’d taken with the paper.

A soft gasp escaped Emma as soon as she saw the delicate necklace, gold in color and with a heart set in the middle of the little pendant. Alyssa had been going for something subtle that still had meaning, and she hoped she’d gotten it right.

“I saw it out shopping with my mother a few weeks ago and doubled back to get it while she was at the salon,” Alyssa said, twisting the hem of her sweater in her hands.

“Alyssa, it’s beautiful,” Emma said softly.

“Yeah?”

Emma nodded, tracing the heart with her finger. “At the risk of sounding like a character in every teen romcom, can you help me put it on?”

Alyssa laughed, lifting the necklace out of its box as she waited for Emma to turn around. Butterflies in her stomach, she fastened the clasp at Emma’s nape. She pressed a kiss to the place where Emma’s neck met her shoulder, just because she was unable to resist, and felt her girlfriend shiver in response.

“Wait,” Emma said, and Alyssa pulled back immediately in concern.

“What?”

“I need to fetch your present,” Emma said over her shoulder, and Alyssa let out a sigh of relief that turned into confusion as Emma dropped to the floor and crawled underneath her bed.

“Why is it under there?” she asked.

Emma’s voice came slightly muffled. “So I didn’t forget where I put it.”

Eventually, she emerged from underneath the bed, holding what looked like a wrapped A4 sized framed picture. She got to her feet and held it out to Alyssa, suddenly looking very nervous. Alyssa took it from her, balancing the bottom of it against her hip as she removed the wrapping paper.

At first, she was a little confused about what the gift turned out to be. It was essentially a framed poster, but the picture had a bunch of white lines and dots in a black sphere. It wasn’t until she picked out a few familiar patterns that she realized it was a star map.

“Look at the date near the bottom,” Emma murmured.

Alyssa did, her heart skipping a beat when she figured out the significance. She swallowed a sudden lump in her throat, holding the frame in her hands as if it were made of china.

“The day of the summer fair,” she whispered.

Emma nodded. “That’s what the stars looked like when we met. Well, we already sort of knew each other, but I meant when you helped me up and we started actually talking. And I know it was daytime and we couldn’t see the stars, but that’s what the website said they looked like so I’m just hoping it’s accurate.”

Alyssa was at a loss for words, tracing her fingers over the constellations. Emma filled the silence with more nervous rambling.

“I couldn’t think of what to get you because I wanted you to have something meaningful without being obviously romantic to anyone else, so that’s why I just put the date on it. I figured since we’re the only ones who know the significance then it could just be our thing. I was thinking a few months ago about how if you hadn’t stayed to talk to me then none of this would have ever happened and, I don’t know, it’s probably dumb but that day is so special to me because I didn’t know I could be this happy and I really have _got_ to stop talking now.”

Emma fell silent, fidgeting on the spot as she waited for a response. Alyssa’s head was swimming. She couldn’t believe that Emma had put so much thought into this gift on so many different levels. And she was completely right, too. Nobody else would be able to guess the significance of the date, so she would actually be able to hang it up in her room without fear.

Alyssa blinked back tears, her heart feeling like it might burst out of her chest at any moment. She looked up from the poster to meet Emma’s eyes, an indescribable feeling washing over her at seeing the hope and the nerves and the softness reflected in them. In that moment, the words slipped from her mouth without thought.

“I love you.”

Alyssa froze as Emma’s eyes widened. For a long moment, there was complete silence as Alyssa panicked internally. Holy shit. She’d really just told Emma she loved her. She hadn’t meant to, but it had happened. The words were out there now, and it was utterly terrifying.

“Do you…” Emma gulped, her eyes flicking back and forth between Alyssa’s own. “Do you really mean that?”

And although it was one of the scariest things she’d ever done, Alyssa nodded. “Yeah,” she breathed. “I do.”

Emma bit her bottom lip, blinking rapidly. She gently took the frame from Alyssa’s hands, setting it down on the foot of the bed. Alyssa was completely bewildered, rooted to the spot with her heart beating erratically, as Emma faced her again.

She saw the shine of tears in Emma’s eyes right before her girlfriend reached out to cup her cheeks, drawing her close and kissing her fiercely. Alyssa’s hands flailed for a moment before landing on the small of Emma’s back, her nerves melting away as she kissed her with equal enthusiasm.

Emma had never kissed her quite like this before.

The heat and intensity of it meant that Alyssa was wholly unable to catch her breath, but she found herself not caring in the slightest. She pulled Emma’s body even closer to hers, her lips parting at the first press of Emma’s tongue.

Their kisses had progressed to making out before, of course, but there’d never been quite this much _feeling_ behind it, at least to Alyssa’s somewhat currently hazy memory. Her knees buckled slightly and she used Emma to help hold herself up, losing awareness of anything that wasn’t her girlfriend.

Her girlfriend who she loved.

The thought brought a smile to her lips so wide that it was impossible to keep kissing Emma. She pulled away, her breathing harsh and her hands clutching the back of Emma’s shirt. Her brow furrowed as she came to the realization that Emma was crying.

“Babe?” she asked quietly, reaching out to brush away a tear that had fallen. “Emma, are you okay?”

Emma nodded jerkily, her words coming out in a rush. “I just— I love you, Alyssa, and I wanted to say it before but I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or to—to feel pressured to say it back, I just…”

Alyssa blinked back tears of her own again, overcome with the urge to hold onto Emma and never let go. She didn’t think she’d ever felt this light. Emma loved her, too, and it was almost too much for her brain to process.

“You love me,” she said, needing to make sure she wasn’t just hearing things.

“I love you,” Emma repeated.

Alyssa let out a ragged breath that was almost a laugh. “I love you, too. And for the record, you saying it could never make me uncomfortable.”

Emma laughed delightedly, her nose scrunching up as she did so. “Good, because I don’t want to stop saying it.”

“Me neither.”

Alyssa surged forward to kiss Emma again and suddenly the world tilted. Dimly, she realized that Emma was overbalancing just before they landed somewhat awkwardly on Emma’s bed. The kiss dissolved into fits of laughter and Alyssa rested her head on Emma’s chest, closing her eyes for a moment as she listened to Emma’s rapid heartbeat. Safe in the knowledge that it matched her own, she glanced over to where her star map lay and bit back a grin.

Alyssa had never really been one for Christmas, but this year was starting to change her mind.

 

* * *

 

Emma didn’t know if she hated overheating or freezing more.

It was an easy enough choice for the cows; they loved sunbathing during the summer months but in winter, it was clear they weren’t having a great time. The fields became muddier and Emma nearly lost a boot on more than one occasion.

The only thing that made this winter’s chores bearable compared to previous years was Alyssa – who, bundled up in an old coat, scarf and hat, gamely took on any challenges they were set. January in Indiana was, in a phrase, not fun. Emma wondered if she should be used to it by now.

At least the snow was pretty for the first couple of days.

Emma was grateful for the heating in her pick-up, which kept her warm on the drive to school. She just wished that Alyssa didn’t have to wait out in the cold to catch the bus; not to mention the fact that she had to walk from her house to get to the bus stop.

They at least still had their lunches two or three times a week. Emma took to bringing a thermos of hot cocoa too, quietly stirring the pot on the stove before her parents were out of bed in the morning. Bringing an extra mug wouldn’t work, so she and Alyssa took turns drinking out of the metal cup that served as a lid to the thermos.

A couple weeks into the semester, Alyssa came into the band closet with a frown creasing her brow. Emma watched in concern as she dumped her backpack on the floor with a sigh, biting her lip as she wondered how best to go about finding out what was wrong. She didn’t have to, though, because Alyssa started talking as soon as she sat down opposite Emma.

“I got roped into being on the prom committee,” she announced with a huff.

“Oh,” Emma said. Whatever she’d been expecting to hear, it wasn’t that. “Haven’t they been meeting already for ages?”

“Yeah,” Alyssa said, taking a bite out of the sandwich Emma handed her. “They have, and I wouldn’t be so mad about it if they’d asked me to help them three months ago. But suddenly decided they were short-handed and practically begged me to help them. They’re a mess.”

“You could’ve said no,” Emma shrugged. “You’re not obligated to help them.”

“I know, but I don’t want our senior prom to be a complete disaster,” Alyssa said.

Emma shifted uneasily. “I just don’t get what’s so special about it, is all. Prom isn’t really my thing.”

“It could be,” Alyssa said.

“Yeah, it could be if our classmates weren’t homophobes.”

Emma knew she was sulking a little bit, but she couldn’t help but feel bitter about the normal prom experience she knew she wouldn’t be able to have. In an ideal world, she could take Alyssa to prom, and they could dance together and not have to worry about being stared at. She could have even planned one of those promposals that seemed to be growing in popularity. But it was a far-fetched dream at best.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” Alyssa said carefully, and Emma lifted her head to regard her girlfriend with interest.

“About?”

“Prom. And us,” Alyssa continued. “And about how I don’t want what should be a magical night to be ruined because I’m too scared to go with the person I love.”

Emma’s heart started beating faster. Surely Alyssa didn’t mean…

“I want to go to prom with you,” Alyssa said, her voice soft. “That is, if you want to.”

“Alyssa, of course I want to,” Emma said. “I just didn’t think you’d be comfortable going to prom together because, well, it would mean everyone finding out.”

Alyssa swallowed. “It would. But by that point we’ll almost be done with school. I’ll only have to deal with my mother for a few more months and then I’ll be away at college and she’ll have time to get over her disappointment.”

Emma reached out to take Alyssa’s hand, not quite knowing what to say. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” Alyssa said. She looked scared, but determined. “We can come out at prom.”

“Okay,” Emma said, feeling a flutter of nervous excitement in her stomach. “And if anyone starts shit, then I’ll beat them up.”

Alyssa laughed a little, tilting her head fondly. “You couldn’t even beat up the High Striker.”

Emma gasped indignantly. “I thought you weren’t going to make fun of me for that. It was six months ago.”

“Exactly,” Alyssa reasoned. “I thought you would’ve gotten over it by now.”

“I changed my mind,” Emma pouted. “My heart never belonged to you. It belongs to the funnel cake.”

“No, wait,” Alyssa giggled, shuffling forward so she was almost in Emma’s lap. “I’m sorry. Please love me.”

“Fine, but only because you asked nicely,” Emma said, pressing a quick kiss to Alyssa’s lips.

She was a little giddy, if truth be told. Alyssa wanted to go to prom with her. Maybe, just maybe, they could have that perfectly magical night that books and movies always talked about. They could dance, and maybe they could even share a kiss, and if there was truly a miracle then maybe nobody would even care.

She still very much doubted that last part, but with Alyssa alongside her, maybe it wouldn’t be as bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not entirely sure when the next chapter is going to come out because while i'm going to have a lot of free time starting tomorrow, i don't know if i'll be in a position where i'm able to write. i'll try my best!
> 
> maria and i really hope you enjoyed this chapter, because things start getting a lil angsty from here on out...
> 
> please leave a comment if you can, it really is the best form of feedback/motivation/straight up validation that we need to survive as humans. love you all, and until next time, keep it yeehaw!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the only reason i managed to get this chapter up after its usual interval was because i did a writing speedrun and managed nearly 7.4k words in 2 days so here we are!
> 
> this chapter is where the second plot arc starts to happen, which means there be angst ahead!
> 
> thank you so much to everyone who has read this fic so far and has left kudos and comments! we love you!

“Please?”

Emma shook her head, eyes wide. “Do I have to remind you what happened last time?”

Alyssa laughed, reaching out a hand to pull Emma out of the house. Behind her, Pebbles snorted impatiently.

“What happened last time is we had our first kiss,” Alyssa said.

Emma’s lips quirked into a brief smile as she appeared to relive the memory. “Your precious horse threw us into a stream. We got yeeted.”

She paused, a frown creasing her forehead.

“Yeeted? Yote? I don’t actually know what the past tense—”

“Emma,” Alyssa laced their fingers together. “Focus. You don’t have to ride Pebbles if you don’t want to, but it would mean a lot to me if you got to know him a little better.”

“Is he going to give me the shovel talk?” Emma asked, squinting at Pebbles in suspicion.

“Not in words,” Alyssa shrugged. “Listen, Pebbles has been my support system for over five years. Like a therapy animal who’s also my best friend. I know it sounds lame, and I don’t even really know where I’m going with this, but you and him are the things I care about the most and I know he makes you nervous but I’d really love it if we could work through that a bit.”

Emma eyes softened as she took a step closer, reaching for Alyssa’s other hand too. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Alyssa blinked a couple of times. She hadn’t expected Emma to give in so quickly, especially after their hard fall last time Emma had been this close to Pebbles.

“I was just thinking how hard things would be if, say, you and my grandma didn’t get along,” Emma explained. “I’m sorry, I should have made more of an effort.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Alyssa said. “You’re scared, I get it.”

“He’s just… too tall,” Emma sighed, glancing at Pebbles worriedly. “I don’t trust anything bigger than the cows.”

“He’s not that much bigger,” Alyssa pointed out. “And we’re going to circle around to you comparing my horse to your grandma later, by the way.”

Emma rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “The point is that the fear isn’t going to go away overnight.”

“I know,” Alyssa said softly.

“But I love you,” Emma said. “So I’m going to do my best.”

Alyssa rocked forwards on her toes, going in for a kiss, but Emma leaned back out of range with a pointed look over Alyssa’s shoulder.

“Not in front of him,” she said, by way of explanation. “I could feel him glaring at me last time.”

Alyssa somehow doubted Emma’s interpretation of that, but she didn’t push it. All of this bonding had to happen on Emma’s terms, she knew that much. Instead, she stepped back so that Emma could go up to Pebbles without anything in the way.

Emma held out a hand for the horse to sniff. As it had been a while since he’d come face to face with Emma, Pebbles snuffled around her hand with interest, no doubt searching for treats. Emma looked to Alyssa, who nodded, before reaching out to stroke down the horse’s face.

Pebbles didn’t flinch away from the contact, holding himself the stillest Alyssa had perhaps ever seen him. His breath froze in the air; white puffs coming from his nose every so often as he lowered his head slightly to allow Emma to scratch behind his ears. It struck Alyssa how, even though she knew nothing about horses, Emma still knew from a lifetime of experience the best way to approach an animal. She watched a smile gradually make its way across her girlfriend’s face and bit her lip to hide how happy it made her.

Emma glanced over at her, dropping her hand to her side as Pebbles lifted his head again. “He’s not terrible.”

Alyssa giggled at that. Pebbles nosed at Emma’s hair and Emma stiffened, but didn’t step away. She reached out a hand for support and Alyssa took it with both of hers, watching Pebbles closely to make sure that he didn’t try and start chewing on Emma’s hair or something.

“It’s okay,” she reassured Emma. “He probably just thinks you have hay on your head.”

“That’s not very comforting, babe,” Emma pointed out.

“Sorry,” Alyssa said, squeezing Emma’s hand. “He won’t bite you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Alyssa said. “He’s never bitten anybody, and the only person he’s ever snapped at is my mother.”

“Well, that I understand,” Emma joked. She patted Pebbles’ neck only a little hesitantly. “Good boy.”

“Things haven’t been too bad with her lately,” Alyssa mused. “Apart from her being on my back about college, but everyone’s parents are like that right now.”

“Mine are, anyway,” Emma said. “But we’ve managed to keep the fighting to a minimum, at least.”

“That’s good,” Alyssa encouraged. “How do you think they’ll take the whole prom thing?”

“I’m planning to keep it from them until the last second,” Emma said. “That way they don’t have time to think up anything nefarious.”

“Me too,” Alyssa said. “I really don’t think my mother is ready to hear that _I’m_ gay, but maybe if I bring up the idea of people out there not being straight…”

“You’re going to bring up the concept of gay?” Emma asked with a grin.

“I guess so,” Alyssa laughed. “And it’s only a maybe. It’s risky enough, but we’ve been getting on a lot better recently so maybe she’ll be able to handle that, and it’ll pave the way for when we come out at prom.”

“Battle strategy, I like it,” Emma said. “And I hate to say it, but it’s possible that it will be a battle once they know.”

“I know,” Alyssa said. “But we’re going to prom together. We love each other, and they’re going to have to find a way to deal with that.”

She didn’t feel half as confident as she sounded, but fear was also a thing that Alyssa was trying to get over. With Emma’s help, she’d slowly been building confidence in herself over the past several months, and she had a feeling that it would all come to a head before graduation. She was sick and tired of not being able to hold Emma’s hand in the hallways at school, or not being able to invite Emma over for dinner. She hated that she had to sneak next door, and only when Emma was staying with her grandma and when her mother was still at work. It wasn’t fair.

But in a few months’ time, everything was going to change. Alyssa just hoped that it would be for the better.

 

* * *

 

Valentine’s Day was fast approaching and, once again, Emma had no idea what to get for Alyssa.

Reminding herself that Christmas had worked out well in the end, Emma wracked her brain for possibilities. It was difficult, because if Mrs Greene saw a Valentine’s gift then she’d undoubtedly have a million and one questions for Alyssa, and Emma really didn’t want to put her girlfriend in that position.

Valentine’s Day was on Thursday, so Monday after school, Emma drove to the nearest big town to look for a present. Gift shopping in Edgewater was far too risky and besides, the town’s collection of Valentine’s gifts was limited to limp flowers and nondescript chocolates in heart-shaped boxes. Alyssa deserved better than that.

She found a little store tucked away at the end of a street that was advertising Valentine’s Day presents with only a little sign in the window and, suspecting it wouldn’t be as over-the-top as everything else she’d walked past, stepped inside. The store was cosy, and small, and a lot warmer than the street outside. Emma took her beanie off and smoothed down her hair as she began to browse.

The gifts were better than anything on offer in Edgewater, but she still couldn’t find pretty much anything she liked enough to give to Alyssa. The only thing that she really liked was a giant stuffed teddy bear, and if she didn’t worry about where she would keep it, she knew Alyssa – as an extreme fan of cuddles and ever-so-slightly cheesy things – would probably love it. But Emma didn’t see how Alyssa could possibly hide it from her mom.

She was about to give up when someone clearing their throat behind her caught her attention. She spun around to see a tall, lanky young man regarding her with a gentle expression, as though he was trying not to spook a baby deer. Emma didn’t like to assume, and she didn’t know what exactly was giving her the vibe right off the bat, but she deduced that the man was likely gay.

“Do you need help looking for something?” the man asked, sugar lacing his voice. He seemed genuine.

“I—I’m looking for a gift,” Emma said. “Something small and subtle and—”

“Easy to hide?” the man, who Emma now realized must own the store, guessed. He tilted his head slightly, regarding Emma with a piercing look, like he somehow _knew_.

“Yeah,” Emma said.

“And is this gift for a crush?” the man asked, “or for…”

Emma took a deep breath. “It’s for my girlfriend.”

The man smiled at her. “Congratulations. I’m sure she’s wonderful.”

“She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Emma said immediately. She could feel herself relaxing into the conversation. “Um… her mother doesn’t know about us, so…”

“So either you get something small, or you think outside the box,” the man finished.

“What?”

“I saw you eyeing up the bear,” the man said with a grin. “If that’s the gift you want, then you can’t let one problem stop you.”

“She wouldn’t be able to keep it at her house,” Emma said, shaking her head.

“Is there anywhere else to keep it?” the man asked. “Work with me, honey.”

Emma snorted, and then an idea struck her. “Actually, there might be.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Thank you so much,” Emma said, finally taking a step towards the bear and picking it up. It was a bit heavier than she’d been expecting, and she wasn’t sure how she was going to get it into her car, but her brain was starting to formulate a plan.

“My pleasure,” the man said, moving behind the register to ring up the purchase. “I’ll even knock five bucks off the price for you.”

“Wow, you really don’t have to—”

“It’s a special gay privilege rate,” the man waved it off. “One that I just made up now because, well, I was starting to think I was the only gay person in the whole state.”

“I get it,” Emma said. “I used to think so, too.”

The man’s eyes seemed to sparkle. It might have been the glittery eyeshadow Emma thought she could see a hint of, but she suspected it went deeper than that. “I’m Todd, by the way.”

He held out his hand over the counter and Emma shook it. “Emma.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Emma,” Todd said. “I hope you have a great week.”

“You too,” Emma said. “Really, thank you so much.”

“Anytime,” Todd said with a smile that Emma hoped went beyond customer service. It seemed like it did, anyway.

Now all she had to do was figure out how to carry the bear all the way to her truck without dying of embarrassment.

 

She and Alyssa had agreed to do their gift exchanges the day after Valentine’s Day, since Emma would be at her parents’ house for the day itself. Instead, they had another one of their band closet lunches on Thursday and tried to treat it like any other day.

So what if their goodbye kiss at the end of lunch lasted longer than usual? It was purely coincidental.

Friday after school, Emma waited nervously in her room for Alyssa to come over. The teddy bear was sat next to her on the bed, taking up more space than a stuffed animal should be capable of. God, she hoped Alyssa liked it.

Soon enough, Alyssa staggered in through the door and flopped face first on the bed as usual. Emma bit back a laugh as the expression on Alyssa’s face slowly changed as she noticed the bear.

“Babe, is that…”

“Happy Valentine’s Day?” It came out as more of a question than anything else.

Alyssa gasped delightedly as she crawled towards it, feeling how soft the fur was with her hands. She frowned slightly in confusion, likely coming to the same conclusion Emma had in the shop.

“Before you say anything, I have a plan,” Emma explained. “I know you won’t be able to keep it in your room, so I thought it could stay here at my grandma’s house and then you could come over any time you want to cuddle it, and it’ll be right here. I don’t even need to be here, either, I already talked to grandma and she wants you to know that you’re more than welcome to come over here whenever you want and hang out with her and the bear.”

“Emma…” Alyssa trailed off, reaching out for her and brushing a light kiss across her cheek.

“I know how much you love being cuddled and, I don’t know, I thought it might be nice for you to have this when I’m not there,” Emma said, her face heating up. “It’s probably a stupid idea but this was the best way I could see to—”

Alyssa cut her off by pressing a lingering kiss to her lips, which Emma gladly returned. She relaxed into it, relieved that Alyssa seemed to understand what she’d been trying to do with this gift; that it meant more than just a cute stuffed animal.

Alyssa broke the kiss after a moment, reaching behind her to pull the bear’s arm over her. “Sorry, Emma, but you’ve been replaced.”

Emma gasped indignantly. “I can’t believe my plan backfired this quickly.”

“I’m sorry, but you can’t stop true love,” Alyssa said with a laugh. She reached into her jacket pocket and brought out an envelope. “Have this to make up for it.”

She softened the joke with another quick kiss before she handed the envelope over.

“Fair warning,” Alyssa continued. “It’s kind of cheesy.”

“Cheesier than a giant teddy bear?” Emma asked, arching an eyebrow as she opened Alyssa’s gift.

“It’s a close call.”

Emma looked into the envelope to see several folded pieces of paper, each with words written on one side and decorated with colored swirls. Looking closer, she could see one piece of paper said _open when you’re feeling sad_ , one said _open when you’re mad at me_ , one said _open when you’ve had a good day_ , and so on. There were a dozen or so different pieces in total, and Emma read through all the titles carefully.

“I got the idea off the internet,” Alyssa said, pulling a face. “I couldn’t exactly go and buy anything, so I started looking at things I could make instead.”

“Alyssa, this is amazing,” Emma said. “And you were right about it being a close call.”

“Shut up,” Alyssa laughed, reaching over and picking out one of the pieces. “Here, you can open this one straight away.”

The one Alyssa had picked said _open today_. It was decorated with tiny red and pink hearts that Alyssa had drawn, and Emma felt warmth spread through her at the thought of Alyssa writing all these out and decorating them. She unfolded the paper.

_Happy Valentine’s Day_ , the message inside said. _I love you so so much, and I can’t wait to go to prom with you!_

Around the words were little doodles. Emma traced her finger over them with a smile, excited at the prospect of dancing with Alyssa; really dancing with her. She glanced up to see Alyssa watching her nervously.

“Thank you,” she said simply, clutching the opened paper to her chest. “I can’t wait, either.”

Alyssa’s expression relaxed. Emma carefully replaced all the other folded pieces of paper, putting the envelope on her bedside table for safekeeping. She tucked the opened one into her pocket and pulled Alyssa closer.

Alyssa ended up pretty much in her lap, and Emma swallowed hard. Her hands were resting on Alyssa’s waist, while Alyssa’s fingers pushed back flyaway hairs from Emma’s face. She carefully removed Emma’s glasses – something they’d started doing after they’d had to break one too many kisses where they’d gotten in the way, or had gotten fogged up (much to Emma’s embarrassment) – and set them down on the table next to the envelope.

Emma let her eyes roam freely around Alyssa’s face, smiling when Alyssa turned her attention back to her. Her dark brown eyes were soft. Hands framing Emma’s face, Alyssa leaned in and kissed her.

The kiss was slow and unhurried, like they had all the time in the world, and Emma allowed herself to melt into it. She could feel Alyssa’s body everywhere, pressed close, and she loved it. The weight in her lap grounded her and stopped her from floating away as she grew more and more light-headed the longer they kissed.

After a while, Alyssa’s mouth began to wander. Her lips trailed slowly down Emma’s jawline and she began to press kisses to the column of Emma’s neck. Emma’s hands tightened at Alyssa’s waist, and her breath started to come shorter. Electricity shot through her body with every kiss, and she heard herself actually gasp when she felt Alyssa’s tongue against her throat.

“Alyssa—” Emma cut herself off.

Instantly, Alyssa’s face was level with hers again. “Are you okay?”

Emma nodded rapidly, trying to reassure her worried-looking girlfriend. “Never better,” she said. “You’re just, um, very good at that.”

Alyssa still looked a bit concerned, so Emma leaned forwards to press a kiss to the tip of her nose. While she loved the amount of care Alyssa took not to cross any lines, she still wanted her to know that she was more than okay with what was happening.

Resting her forehead against Emma’s, Alyssa settled against her even more. They both let out a contented sigh at almost the same time and Emma resisted the urge to ruin the moment by giggling. They’d laughed their way through plenty of moments before, but for some reason, Emma wanted to keep this one truly quiet.

If all worked out as she hoped, next year’s Valentine’s Day would be a little easier. In the meantime, Emma couldn’t help but let her mind wander to something she could do for Alyssa. Something meaningful, but still private.

She thought about prom, and about how they would no doubt start seeing elaborate promposals cropping up throughout the school before too long. Maybe she could create one just for her and Alyssa. Maybe Alyssa would like that.

Her mind already starting to mull over ideas, Emma wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and tried to make the most of the limited time they always seemed to have.

 

* * *

 

It was early April before Alyssa managed to gather the courage to even bring up ‘the concept of gay’, as Emma had put it, to her mother. She spent a while thinking of the best way to approach it and had debated keeping things limited to fictional realms for the time being, as a way to test the waters.

The only problem was that she didn’t know a lot about gay media. Sure, she and Emma had watched a few movies and episodes of TV shows together, but they didn’t usually have time – especially since Emma had moved back in with her parents – so she was at a bit of a loss.

Finally, one day after her mom had gotten home from work, Alyssa took a deep breath and started speaking.

“I, uh, I read a really interesting article about religion this afternoon,” she said, knowing that would get her mother’s attention. “It talked about how alienating it can feel to love God but be told he doesn’t love you, for whatever reason.”

Mrs Greene nodded, although she looked a little confused. “And what reasons would those be?”

“Well, I guess the main one the article mentioned was being gay,” Alyssa said, willing her voice to stay as level and as neutral as possible. “Because a lot of churches aren’t that accepting of gay people, and what if they still want to go to church but aren’t allowed to or feel like they’re not welcome—"

“I don’t see how that’s any of our concern,” her mother interrupted. “Besides, we have a right to keep our place of worship child-friendly.”

The words hit Alyssa like a punch to the gut, but she tried to carry on as if it hadn’t affected her.

“But surely there are gay kids out there who’ve grown up thinking that there’s something wrong with them,” she said. “Being told that God will never love them even though they’ve also been told that he loves everyone.”

Her mother narrowed her eyes, just slightly. “Why does that concern you?” she asked. “It’s not like there’s any kids that way at our church. Not since that Nolan girl left, anyway.”

“Not since…”

“Emma, I’m fairly sure her name is. She’s in your grade at school,” Mrs Greene carried on. “I mean, I can’t be sure, but she definitely looks like a lesbian.”

The way she said the word, as though it left a bad taste in her mouth, made Alyssa feel sick. She took deep breaths, trying to push through it, trying in vain to get her point across.

“Mom, I don’t think that’s very appropriate—”

“Appropriate?” her mother’s voice was starting to sound shrill. “What’s not appropriate is what that grandmother of hers said to me when I came to her with my concerns. I’ve never had such rudeness directed at me, and I’m the head of the PTA. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen Betsy Nolan at church for a long time, either.”

“Is that why you hate her?” Alyssa asked, head reeling. “Because she defended her granddaughter against you?”

“I was the one doing the defending!” Mrs Greene snapped. “I was the one trying to keep our community wholesome!”

“You’re the one keeping our community homophobic!”

There was an ugly silence in the moments that followed Alyssa’s outburst. She was panicking internally, worrying that she might just have given herself away. Suddenly, the thought of her mother knowing about her and Emma less than a month from now was utterly terrifying. Alyssa didn’t know if she could bear it.

“I am not homophobic,” Mrs Greene said slowly. “I simply want to have a safe space for us to worship.”

Alyssa lowered her head, gritting her teeth in an attempt to keep the tears at bay.

“Why do you even care?” her mom asked, sounding so very tired.

“I don’t,” Alyssa had to force the words out. “It’s just what the article said.”

“Well maybe you should be careful about what you read on the internet,” Mrs Greene cautioned. “Not all of it is trustworthy.”

“Right,” Alyssa said. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but it didn’t work. “I actually… I have some homework to do.”

“Fine,” her mother said. “Alyssa, you don’t have to worry yourself about these things. Just focus on school, that’s all you need to be concerning yourself with.”

Alyssa climbed up the stairs, barely able to keep it together until she shut the door to her room behind her. Then, the floodgates opened. She broke down into sobs, covering her mouth with a hand to stifle the sound as best she could.

She didn’t know how that could have gone worse. She’d been so stupid to think that it would go well; that her mom would turn out to be anything other than a raging homophobe even when Alyssa hadn’t even mentioned anyone by name. All she’d done was bring up a fake article, and all hell had broken loose.

In the process, Alyssa had found out three things. One – her mom knew that Emma was a lesbian. Two – her mom hated Betsy Nolan simply because she hadn’t let herself or her granddaughter be bullied. And three – Alyssa wasn’t sure how she was ever going to be able to come out to her now.

Her phone ringing from the back pocket of her jeans pulled her attention away from an impending spiral. She pulled out her phone to see Emma’s contact flashing up on the screen. Suddenly, all Alyssa wanted was to collapse into her girlfriend’s arms and stay there forever.

She answered it. “Hello?”

“Alyssa—”

Something was wrong. Emma sounded choked up – her voice was thick with emotion, almost like she’d been crying. Alyssa heard a shuddering breath being taken on the other end of the line and corrected herself. Emma was _currently_ crying.

“Emma, what happened?”

 

* * *

 

The day didn’t start too badly at all. Even though she wasn’t meeting Alyssa for lunch, Emma went to the band closet anyway to size up the room. She wasn’t able to take actual measurements, exactly, but she was able to get a pretty good idea of the space she’d have to work with.

As soon as she got home, she set to it.

The banner was going to be the main thing she had to work on. She’d bought a pack of colored sharpies the previous day, and now she stretched the banner out on her bedroom floor and started to write her message. It was a simple one: _Will you go to prom with me?_ But Emma made sure to decorate it with as many colors and doodles as she could fit on the banner, without overwhelming it. Besides, the banner was just to catch Alyssa’s attention the second she stepped into the band closet. The most important part of the promposal would be the cupcakes carefully iced with their names the promposal message itself, all of  them decorated with little rainbows.

Her parents were at work, so Emma had the kitchen to herself. She’d thought about personalizing a shirt, but that would be too risky. At least with cupcakes, they could eat the evidence, and everyone would be none the wiser as long as the cake tin didn’t fall out of Emma’s bag before lunch.

The icing ended up being a little messy, but Emma hoped Alyssa wouldn’t mind. She knew that they’d already planned to go to prom together, but she still wanted this promposal to be a nice surprise for her, even if it couldn’t be the over-the-top extravaganza she’d seen already this year from guys asking their girlfriends.

Deciding to wash her hands before she attempted to transfer the cupcakes into the tin, Emma went upstairs to the bathroom. She was humming along to a tune she couldn’t quite place, but she always seemed to have in her head when she was around Alyssa, and was just about to run the tap when she heard the front door open.

Her stomach dropped.

The cupcakes. They were on the kitchen counter. They had hers and Alyssa’s names on them. They had ‘prom’ on them. They had damn _rainbows_ on them.

“Shit,” Emma hissed, completely forgetting about the icing on her hands as she raced back down the stairs and sprinted to the kitchen. Bursting past her dad, who had no doubt gone to make himself a coffee, she skidded to a halt by the counter.

She had a moment of blind panic then. How was she meant to hide this? Some base instinct to protect Alyssa took over, and Emma found herself picking up the cupcake bearing her girlfriend’s name and stuffing as much of it into her mouth as she could manage. If she hadn’t been so scared, it would have been kind of funny.

“Emma, what’s going on?” her dad asked, completely bewildered and more than a little suspicious.

Emma swallowed, wincing as she did so. “Nothing.”

Her dad just gave her a look, walking over to stand by her shoulder. Emma’s heart began to beat faster and faster as her father surveyed the remaining cupcakes, hoping he wouldn’t come to the conclusion that was unfortunately obvious.

Sure enough, her dad picked up the cupcake that bore Emma’s name, with one of the rainbow decorations above it. He turned it in his hand thoughtfully, before facing Emma with a blank expression on his face.

“This is a… a gay thing.”

It wasn’t a question. Emma said nothing. Her father barked out a laugh, completely devoid of any humor, before his hand tightened and the cupcake collapsed in on itself. Emma watched in silence as the remains were thrown back down, flinching at the sound of it hitting the counter.

“Prom?” Her father read another one of the cakes. “You’re taking a girl to prom?”

Emma nodded. Footsteps behind her caught her attention and presently her mother came into view, clutching something in her hands. The banner Emma had just been decorating.

“You went in my room?” Emma asked in disbelief.

“No daughter of mine is going to take another girl to prom,” her father said, both he and Emma’s mother completely ignoring the question.

“It’s my prom,” Emma said, angry tears springing to her eyes. “It’s my life. I’ll take whoever I want.”

“Not while you’re living under this roof,” her mom told her.

Emma looked between her parents in complete shock. “Mom. Dad. _Please_.”

“This girl,” her father began, wrinkling his nose. “Does she know about _this_?”

Emma’s gaze landed on the remaining cupcakes, where her father was gesturing. “No.”

“So what is she? A straight girl you’re trying to turn?” her mom asked, turning to her husband. “I told you we should’ve talked to her about this before.”

“She’s my girlfriend!” Emma shouted suddenly, rage bubbling up and spilling over before she could stop it. “I love her, and she loves me, and I don’t care if you don’t approve because she makes me _happy_. She makes me so happy and I… I never thought I’d be able to have that.”

“You can have that with a man,” her mom stressed. “You’re young, there’s still time to—”

“To what?” Emma cut her off. “To be someone I’m not? I wanted to find a better time to tell you both this, but I guess there’s no time like the present. I’m a _lesbian_.”

“You’re only seventeen—”

“And I know myself,” Emma assured them, her voice coming out harder than she thought possible. “I know who I am; have done for a very long time. And I’m guessing, from your reactions, that you have too.”

Her dad set his jaw. “We suspected.”

Emma snorted. “You make it sound like a crime. It isn’t. I wasn’t expecting a good reaction, especially after the hell you’ve put me through, but I’m still disappointed.”

Emma’s mother ripped the banner she was holding, clean down the middle. Emma’s heart felt like it had been ripped at the same time.

“Get out,” her mom said.

“What?”

“You heard her,” Emma’s dad spoke up again. “We said not while you’re under this roof. Since that’s clearly not an option, you can pack your bags and leave.”

This couldn’t be happening. Emma started to panic again. “I’m your daughter, you can’t—you can’t kick me out!”

“We’d hoped that we wouldn’t have to,” her mom sighed. “We’d hoped you’d turn out normal.”

“This has to be a bad joke,” Emma murmured. Her breath caught in her throat. “Please tell me this is just a bad joke.”

Her parents remained stony-faced, unmoved. Emma could hear her heart beating loudly in her chest, becoming more and more rapid the longer her parents stayed silent. No, this was real. This was pure hatred staring right back at her. The walls were closing in.

Emma turned on her heel and fled to her room. On autopilot, she grabbed the duffel bag from under her bed, gathering everything from her wardrobe and stuffing it in. She didn’t keep all that much at her parents’ house anymore – everything important was at her grandma’s. Her grandma. That’s where she’d go.

Her grandma knew about her and still loved her. Surely she wouldn’t turn her away, so at least she’d have a place to stay.

Emma shouldered the duffel bag and her school messenger bag. She was trembling, barely able to grip the bags, but the conscious thought was at the very back of her mind. She was running on instinct, barely able to admit to herself that this reaction wasn’t completely out of the blue. She should have known. She should have known her parents would continue to let her down.

She’d given them a second chance after the Open House, only for them to throw it back in her face.

Rushing down the stairs as fast as she could, Emma didn’t even bother to say goodbye. There was no point. Instead, she grabbed her keys as she went and wasn’t that shocked to see that one had already been removed – the key to her parents’ house.

And that’s what it was, in her mind. Her parents’ house. It hadn’t felt like hers for a long time.

Settling behind the wheel of her truck, Emma managed to drive most of the way to her grandma’s house before everything caught up with her and the tears fell. Blurring her vision too much to be safe, Emma pulled over on the side of the deserted road and put her truck in park.

She pulled out her phone with shaking hands, a little surprised to see that she still had service. Emma clicked on Alyssa’s name without thinking, needing to hear her girlfriend’s voice to calm her down.

“Hello?” Emma barely heard Alyssa over the blood rushing in her own ears.

“Alyssa—” Emma choked the word out, taking a shuddering breath to try and gain some control over her voice.

“Emma, what happened?” Alyssa asked, but Emma could tell something was wrong. She didn’t know what, and her brain was hazy, but Alyssa sounded upset too.

“My parents,” Emma said hoarsely. “They kicked me out. I can’t go back, they—”

“Oh, god, Emma,” Alyssa said. “I’m so sorry. Where are you?”

“In my car,” Emma said, worry for both herself and her girlfriend clawing at her stomach. “On my way to grandma’s. I had to pull over. Alyssa, they… I told them I’m gay and they told me to get out.”

She broke down into sobs, taking heaving breaths to try and regain agency over her body. It felt almost like she couldn’t breathe, but she had to try and fight through it. Alyssa sniffled on the other end of the line, and Emma just wished they were together right now.

“Alyssa, are you crying?”

“Maybe,” Alyssa replied, definitely crying. “It’s about something different, it’s not important.”

“It’s important if you’re upset,” Emma said, managing at last to take a few deep breaths. “What’s wrong?”

“Well, as it turns out, my mother is even more homophobic than I thought,” Alyssa said quietly, sniffing a few times. “I can’t—I can’t see her ever being okay with me being a lesbian.”

“Welcome to the worst club on the planet,” Emma said, closing her eyes as her heart sunk even further. “I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Emma,” Alyssa said quickly. “You have bigger things to worry about right now than my mother.”

“Can you come over to my grandma’s later?” Emma asked, knowing what Alyssa’s answer would be as soon as the words left her.

“I—I can’t,” Alyssa said sadly. “I’m sorry, I… my mother’s home and I just—I can’t.”

“Okay,” Emma said, swallowing down a fresh wave of sadness. “I might not be in school tomorrow while I sort things out but…”

“I’ll be there after school,” Alyssa said. “I’ll be there. I love you, Emma.”

“I love you, too,” Emma managed before she crumbled again. “I have to go, I—I need to get to my grandma’s house but I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Please be safe,” Alyssa begged. “Text me when you get there.”

“I will,” Emma promised. “See you tomorrow, I guess.”

She hated the note of bitterness that crept into her voice just before they ended the call. It wasn’t Alyssa’s fault. None of this was Alyssa’s fault, but Emma still wished that she could come over and comfort her. It was irrational, but she was hurting and all she wanted was for Alyssa to hold her and tell her that things would be okay.

Tossing her phone down onto the passenger seat and swiping at her eyes under her glasses with the cuff of her sweater in an almost robotic motion, Emma let the parking brake off and focused on the road ahead.

 

* * *

 

Just when Alyssa thought she couldn’t hate Emma’s parents more, things went from bad to worse.

It had only been a week since they had thrown Emma out of the house and now with less than three weeks left until senior prom, it seemed like the universe had one more cruel joke to play.

In truth, Alyssa had been silently wondering just how she and Emma would be able to carry out their prom plans. Her confidence, which she’d worked so hard to build, had been almost completely destroyed by one conversation with her mother. She hadn’t told Emma – she knew that her girlfriend had enough crap to be dealing with as it was – but was starting to doubt that she could actually do this.

She wanted to. She wanted to come out and be with Emma more than anything, but every time she thought about it, her insides would seize with fear.

Even with all these doubts and insecurities, Alyssa was still devastated and more than a little shocked when the announcement was made one morning at school that the senior prom had been cancelled.

A gasp went around the classroom, and Alyssa’s eyes immediately found Emma’s. She stared back, wide-eyed in surprise, before a thought seemed to hit them both at the same time. Emma’s parents.

No, that couldn’t be it. Could it? Emma’s parents knew she’d been planning to take a girl to prom and if they’d told the school – or worse, the PTA – then that could very well be the reason this was happening. This was bad.

Trying to keep the panic from rising in her throat, Alyssa tuned back into the conversation Kaylee and Shelby were having next to her.

“They can’t just cancel prom and not tell us why,” Kaylee said. “There has to be a reason!”

“I can’t think of a good enough reason to cancel it,” Shelby said. “Maybe it’s safety related?”

“They would have said,” Kaylee argued. “I bet it’s something they don’t want us to know about.”

“What do you think, Alyssa?” Shelby asked, poking Alyssa with the tip of her pen.

“How would I know?” Alyssa said, too quickly. Shelby raised an eyebrow at her.

“Calm down, nobody’s accusing you of personally cancelling the prom,” she said.

“I know that, it’s just… I have no idea why they’d do it,” Alyssa lied. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

She really hoped she was wrong.

 

* * *

 

Emma’s worst initial fears had been right.

Her own parents had gone to the PTA and had told them that a student ‘intended to bring her same-sex partner’ to the prom and, predictably, the PTA had gone apeshit. Once that news had broken within the school’s population, it didn’t take long for people to put two and two together and work out that Emma was said student.

That’s when things really started to hit the fan.

If people had been rude to her before they knew for sure that she was a lesbian, they were a thousand times worse now that it had been confirmed. Things written on her locker, jocks tripping her in the halls… it was like every teen movie bullying cliché come to life.

She did her best to keep her chin up, but it sucked.

Despite doing her best to curb the worst of her friends’ actions, Alyssa was more on-edge than Emma had ever seen her, too. It was like she was waiting for someone to figure out that she was the girl Emma had been going to go to prom with. Emma supposed that at least for herself there wasn’t that uncertainty – but she didn’t know if it was better or worse to have everyone know, or to be constantly worried that people would find out. Neither option was great.

It was almost like Emma was going through her school days in a trance. The only times she felt like herself was when she and Alyssa would have their band closet lunches and, even then, things were different somehow. They were both jumpy, and Alyssa would only press the quickest of kisses to her lips when they went their separate ways again.

In the safe space of the Emma’s room, though, she would kiss her so desperately that Emma was a little taken aback. They held onto each other tightly, unwilling to let the other go like they were afraid of what would happen if they did. They didn’t talk as much – there wasn’t as much to talk about besides the various recent catastrophes – but they just tried to make the most of each other’s company.

Betsy had quietly instigated an open-door policy once Emma had moved in permanently, but she needn’t have worried. Although they’d discussed it briefly in the past, Emma knew that right now neither she or Alyssa were in the right frame of mind to do anything other than kiss, and hold onto each other. She appreciated being treated like a ‘normal’ teenager, though, more than she could express in words.

The school’s principal, Mr Hawkins, had done his best to fight the PTA over their prom ruling, to no avail, and it surprised Emma when he tried once more and called a meeting. All the seniors and their parents were invited, as well as the PTA. Emma knew her parents wouldn’t be there.

She sat on the bleachers, feeling hollow as she watched the action unfold in front of her. She glanced at Alyssa across the gym, who met her eyes briefly before looking down at her sneakers, and sighed. This couldn’t get much worse.

As if someone had heard her thoughts, a second later the doors to the gym burst wide open and a bunch of middle-aged adults came running in with honest-to-god picket signs. Emma’s eyes widened as commotion erupted yet again – for a very different reason – and the principal confronted the intruders.

“Where’s the lesbian kid?” one of them asked. Emma slowly raised her hand, and the man’s eyes brightened. He skipped over to her and introduced himself, but Emma was too shocked to really retain any of what was happening.

The intruders, who had apparently travelled from New York to be there, caught up with her after the PTA meeting had ended. Emma looked between the five of them, confused beyond belief.

“Sorry, what is happening?” she asked.

“My name is Barry Glickman,” the same man repeated. “I am an actor on Broadway, and my friends and I are here to save you.”

“Save me,” Emma blinked. “From what?”

“From intolerance,” another man announced, in a very deliberate voice.

“We heard the school cancelled your prom,” a blonde woman spoke up. “So we’re here to make them reinstate it.”

“You do realize they’re not going to budge on this,” Emma said, glancing around at the seemingly well-meaning strangers. “Besides, you don’t even know me. Why are you doing this?”

The other woman in the group spoke up, clasping her hands over her heart dramatically. “Because it’s the right thing to do.”

“We have to go and check into our residence now,” Barry said. “But you haven’t seen the last of us, dear Emma!”

Standing shell-shocked in the middle of the hall, Emma found herself believing him. She just didn’t know whether or not it would be a good thing. One thing was for certain, though. The arrival of these people had well and truly broken her out of her trance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it was only a matter of time until the broadway gang showed up and we caught up with canon! things aren't going to play out exactly the same as they do in the show, but we couldn't have them not turn up like they do in canon because it's just too good!
> 
> it's weird to think this fic is 75% done but there's still so much more to happen...
> 
> you know the drill by now - i tell you how much i love and appreciate comments, you lovely people leave comments, and i am eternally grateful. i'd love it if we could keep that going!
> 
> next time on cowgirl au: a n g s t ft. broadway gang bonding levity!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's this? a new chapter of cowgirl au a week earlier than usual? and it's over 9k words? 
> 
> (i'm using all that as leverage so that you guys hopefully won't kill me or maria for certain things that may or may not happen during this chapter)
> 
> enjoy!

Ever since these people had showed up from New York, Alyssa hadn’t had a moment’s peace.

It had only been a few days, but it had honestly felt like a lifetime to her – between her friends gossiping solely about Emma being the reason the prom had been cancelled, and her mother completely losing her shit over the Broadway actors storming the school and making a scene in the town, it was an utter nightmare.

She and Emma were barely able to meet at school. Things were so tense, and suddenly everyone’s eyes were on Emma at all times, so it was hard for them to sneak away to the band closet like they would normally do. Even after school, Kaylee and Shelby were demanding her attention more than usual and Alyssa didn’t want to make them suspicious.

She wanted to be there for Emma; she knew this couldn’t be remotely easy for her. But she was scared. More scared than she’d been when she’d come to the realization that she was gay. Because if even one person found out about her relationship with Emma… the state of mind that her mother was in now, Alyssa didn’t know what would happen.

Emma’s parents kicking her out had been a harsh reminder of what could happen to her if her mom were to find out. Alyssa had been naïve to think that everything would just be fine. As horrible as things were for Emma, at least she had her grandmother. Alyssa didn’t have someone like that who would take her in. She just couldn’t risk it.

She felt awful, going back on her and Emma’s prom plans. But it wasn’t like there was even a prom to come out at anymore. Maybe, if Emma didn’t get sick of her by the time summer ended, they could run away together. Alyssa had already decided on majoring in psychology at NYU come fall; she was hoping she could get a scholarship to cover most of the cost, so she wouldn’t be as dependent on her mother to pay. She’d get a part time job in the city to pay her way. She could manage it. In her dreams, Emma was right there beside her. But she didn’t want to ask Emma if she’d come with her – the thought of rejection was almost too much to bear. So she hadn’t even told Emma about NYU yet.

Alyssa still didn’t know what she was going to do when it came to leaving Pebbles behind, either, so she tried to put it all out of her mind.

 

To her horror, Mrs Greene and the rest of the parents from the PTA showed up at school again the next day. Alyssa didn’t know exactly what they were trying to do, but she had a sinking suspicion that their new town guests had done something else to raise their hackles. Sure enough, word was going around about something to do with a monster truck rally and a terrible yet somehow catchy song. It wasn’t difficult to piece together what had happened.

There were reporters around the PTA, and Alyssa noticed how frazzled her mother looked at it all. Her gut twisted uncomfortably as soon as she got close enough to hear what she was actually saying.

“She broke the rules,” her mother said. “’If a student wishes to bring a date to the prom, they must be of the opposite sex.’ This girl violated that rule by announcing her intention to bring another girl as her date. After a lot of discussion, the PTA felt it was in the school’s best interests to cancel the prom rather than attempt to ban this one specific student, to prevent backlash.”

Alyssa couldn’t believe how full of shit that statement was. First of all, that rule was about the stupidest thing she’d ever heard. Second, Emma hadn’t ‘announced her intention’ at all; her parents had all but outed her to the entire school. And lastly, cancelling the whole prom had definitely still caused a lot of backlash, especially amongst the seniors. Alyssa knew her classmates were close-minded jerks for the most part, but she seriously doubted they’d rather have no prom at all than have a lesbian couple attend together.

Her blood boiling in her veins, Alyssa didn’t realize that her mom was reaching out for her through the crowd until she herself was being pulled in front of the cameras and microphones too. She felt herself freezing up as she started thinking about how many people would be watching this when it was broadcasted. Her mother’s arm was wrapped tightly around her shoulders, keeping her firmly in place. Alyssa’s heartbeat thundered in her chest.

“Because of that girl, my own daughter won’t be able to attend her senior prom. A prom she worked hard to plan,” her mother said. “Believe me, cancelling the prom was the last thing we, as parents, wanted to do. But we were left with no other option.”

Through the crowds, Alyssa caught a glimpse of Emma. She was standing stock still, one hand gripping the strap of her bag so hard that her knuckles must have been turning white. Alyssa swallowed, suddenly feeling as if her heart was being torn in half.

If she’d been braver, she would have said something. She would have grabbed one of the microphones, looked down the lens of one of the cameras and announced how dumb this whole thing was. She would have defended Emma. Maybe she would have even come out there and then.

But it was nothing more than a fantasy; a vision of another version of herself. A person Alyssa wished she was but could never hope to be. So, instead, she stayed glued to her mother’s side, staring wide-eyed at the crowd gathered around them and simply hoping that this particular ordeal would soon be over.

 

* * *

 

Emma didn’t quite know why she and Mr Hawkins were meeting these New York people at the one and only motel in town. Sure, after their performance, the PTA were under a lot of pressure to reinstate the prom – but so far, they weren’t budging. Mrs Greene was even using Alyssa to her advantage, playing the put-upon mother who hadn’t wanted to cancel the event her daughter had worked hard on.

And Alyssa _had_ been working hard on the prom, that’s what made it even worse. Alyssa had been roped into joining the prom committee and, although she’d refused to tell Emma the finer points of planning and spoil the surprise, it had seemed like she’d put a lot of effort into making sure it was going to be incredible.

Now, because of both of their parents, all that effort had gone to waste. Their plans of coming out at prom had ground to a halt, too. Emma supposed that, even though kids were making her school life worse than ever and her parents hadn’t said so much as a word to her since kicking her out of the house, at least she didn’t have to hide anymore. She just wished that this newfound freedom hadn’t come at so great a cost. It shouldn’t _have_ to come at this cost.

Mr Hawkins knocked on the door of one of the rooms, jerking Emma out of her thoughts. The shabby wooden door swung open to reveal Barry Glickman, the man who had first introduced himself to her last week. He was wearing a silk robe over his normal clothes, for reasons unbeknownst to Emma.

“Come on in,” he welcomed them into the modest room. The other three people Emma had met after the PTA meeting were there too, along with a fifth member of the party, a large man that Emma hadn’t yet been introduced to.

“Emma, this is Barry, Angie, Trent, and Sheldon,” Mr Hawkins re-introduced them as she tried to keep up. “And this is Dee Dee Allen.”

Emma glanced between the principal and the woman he had just introduced, furrowing her brow at the reverence in his voice. She wasn’t an expert on straight people, but it definitely seemed like he might be crushing on her. Did people that age even get crushes? Emma wasn’t sure.

“Hey, kid, how are you holding up?” the blonde woman – Angie – asked her.

“Um… been better,” Emma replied honestly. “I think pretty much all the seniors and their parents want me gone; that’s the only way the PTA is gonna give in.”

“They’ll come around,” Barry assured her. “We’re working on it, don’t you worry.”

“No disrespect, but how exactly are you going to change their minds?” Emma asked.

“By educating the masses,” Trent said, from where he was sat at the foot of one of the beds. Everyone turned to look at him. “What? You said that was my task.”

“No, we didn’t,” Dee Dee said. “You just decided that was your goal.”

Trent glared at her. “I think I can really make some progress with the students. You know, relate to them and help them see the error of their ways.”

“Good luck with that,” Emma muttered.

“The real problem is that Mrs Greene woman,” Sheldon spoke up for the first time. “She’s too good at spinning a story.”

“So spin it back,” Dee Dee told him. “Change the narrative. That’s your job, right?”

“I’m not a miracle worker,” Sheldon said. “I need some time to think of a strategy – I can’t just pull the solution out of my ass!”

“Things are going well,” Barry said reassuringly. Emma turned to Mr Hawkins with wide eyes. This was never going to work.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” Angie said gently. “We’re going to fix it.”

“And we’ll get your prom re-instated,” Barry said earnestly. His hands did a little flourish. “You shall go to the ball.”

“Okay, well, I’m not Cinderella,” Emma reminded him. “I’m a lesbian in Indiana, so… let’s keep things realistic.”

Barry’s eyes went misty for just a second as he regarded Emma. Then he blinked and the moment was gone, but Emma still felt that a sudden understanding had passed between them.

“Emma, I promise you that we’re going to do everything that we can,” he said.

“Thank you,” Emma said quietly, glancing around the room at these strangers who seemed so intent on helping her. She looked down at her shoes. There had been a lot of attention on her recently, but maybe something good had the potential to come out of all the ugliness.

 

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that her grandmother wanted to meet these people. They were strangers who had taken an interest in a cause that involved Emma, and so it was only natural that Betsy would want to ‘vet’ them. Emma knew they were okay; she’d been getting to know them a lot over the past few days, but Betsy had no way of knowing that.

The Broadway gang, as she’d taken to calling them in her head, were mostly keen to come over to the Nolan farm for dinner. Only Dee Dee expressed concern about it, and Emma suspected that was more to do with the farm aspect rather than the dinner aspect.

Mr Hawkins was there, too, which was a little odd for Emma. Having her principal sit down to dinner with her grandma, a bunch of flamboyant actors and an even more flamboyant PR manager was one of the strangest thing’s she’d experienced in her admittedly short life thus far.

Betsy started off the dinner eyeballing their guests and asking a lot of questions, but she relaxed somewhat when it became clear that they really did have good intentions and simply wanted to help Emma. Barry even got her to laugh a few times.

“Do you want to come and meet the animals?” Emma asked, once everyone had finished eating.

Barry smiled a little nervously. “Of course.”

Dee Dee’s eyes bulged, but she didn’t verbally protest. Emma saw her exchange a look with Mr Hawkins, who seemed to silently tell her that it would be okay. Betsy grinned at Emma and followed her out of the house. Emma suspected that her grandma wouldn’t want to miss out on seeing fancy city folk meeting farm animals for likely the first time.

Emma led them to the cows first. Trent seemed the most confident, walking by Emma’s side jovially as their group approached the herd. Emma’s favorite cow raised her head immediately and, upon seeing Emma, meandered over to meet them as they walked.

Emma strode ahead of the others and wrapped her arms around the cow’s neck. She scratched at a spot on her shoulder that always seemed to be itchy and smiled as the cow’s head gently knocked against her back in response.

“Everyone, this is Moo,” Emma said, turning back to face the group.

Barry just looked at her. “You… you named a cow _Moo_?”

“Yeah,” Emma shrugged. “Got a problem?”

She narrowed her eyes at Barry, who looked around at the others before shaking his head.

“No,” he said, the pitch of his voice creeping higher. “It’s just very… Indiana, is all.”

Angie smacked him on the shoulder from behind and Emma laughed. It felt good to laugh again.

“Well, her full name is Moolatte, but we call her Moo for short,” Emma said. Barry looked at her like he was trying to figure out if she was joking or not.

“And this one?” he asked, pointing to another cow that had come over to see what all the fuss was about. Emma figured out which cow it was pretty quickly.

“Angelina.”

Barry sighed. “So, we have Angelina. And we have… Moolatte.”

“That’s correct,” Emma said. She looked beyond Barry to see her grandma smiling indulgently at her.

Throughout all of this, Emma’s grandma had been her rock. Emma hadn’t wanted to worry Alyssa too much when the kids at school figured out that she was supposedly the reason prom had been cancelled, so she’d waited until she’d gotten home and had immediately broken down in Betsy’s arms.

She hadn’t cried about it since. Her grandma had advised her to keep her chin up at school; to stand her ground, and she had. She was refusing to let the bullies win, as best she could at any rate. She understood they were pissed about prom and needed to take out their anger on something, but it shouldn’t be her.

It wasn’t her fault – that’s what she kept trying to remind herself. She hadn’t cancelled the prom. The PTA had. She hadn’t told anyone that she and Alyssa had been planning to go together. Her parents had, more or less. Still, Emma couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if she hadn’t slipped up and let her parents find out she was gay. She couldn’t deny the fact that it felt like things were building to a breaking point, one way or another.

“So,” Barry said, pulling Emma out of her fog. “What’s she like?”

“Who?” Emma asked, completely bewildered and a little disorientated.

“The mystery girl you’re taking to prom,” Barry said, pushing Emma’s shoulder lightly. He gasped. “Oh my god, is she your girlfriend?”

“The girl I _was_ going to take to prom,” Emma corrected him. “And yes, she is.”

Barry waved a hand. “You still can. We’re working on it. Again, my question stands. What’s she like?”

Emma looked down at the grass, remembering all the times Alyssa had come over to help her do various tasks in and around these very fields. Things were tough right now, but she knew she was as in love with Alyssa as she’d ever been.

“She’s incredible,” Emma said quietly. “She’s so smart, and sweet, and beautiful, and so much braver than she gives herself credit for.”

“How long have you been together?” Barry asked.

“About eight months,” Emma said. “We got together just before senior year.”

Barry gasped dramatically. “A summer romance. I love it!”

Internally, Emma knew that she and Alyssa were more than that. But she didn’t know how to put it into words, so she simply nodded. Barry seemed so certain that everything would work out fine, and Emma didn’t know where his confidence was coming from. She’d unintentionally managed to screw up pretty much everything in her life except for her relationship with Alyssa. Even then, Emma wondered if that would be next. Maybe Alyssa would decide all of this was too much and break up with her. Recent events had already put a strain on their relationship; what if they didn’t make it?

“Yeah,” she said instead. “I just wish everyone else didn’t care about the fact that we’re two girls. None of this would have happened if they didn’t care.”

“I know,” Barry said gently.

“I didn’t want any of this attention,” Emma said, noticing absently that the others had given her and Barry some space now as her voice rose. “All I wanted to do was take my girlfriend to prom so we could dance together and celebrate almost being done with school. I didn’t want to become some sort of a scapegoat when the parents decided they’d rather cancel prom than let that happen.”

Barry took Emma’s hands in his own. “Emma. Do you trust me?”

“I don’t know, I—” Emma sucked in a trembling breath as she looked at how genuine his expression was. “Yes.”

Barry patted the back of her hand. “Good. Then keep trusting me when I say that you’re going to go to prom.”

Emma wanted to believe him. She really did, but she just didn’t see how this was all going to be possible. The students hated her. Pretty much the whole town hated her. Even if there somehow was a prom, Mrs Greene _really_ hated her. Emma wondered if, on some level, she knew it was Alyssa that she’d been going to go to prom with.

Suddenly, a shriek cut through the silence, catching Emma’s attention immediately. She and Barry whirled around immediately to see Dee Dee backing up at lightning speed. Waddling menacingly towards her, having seemingly come from nowhere, were the geese.

Emma was so relieved to not be the target this time that she couldn’t bring herself to do anything more than chuckle as she watched Dee Dee run as fast as her stilettos would allow and hide behind Mr Hawkins, who looked equally terrified.

Even though things were pretty awful right now, at least there were a few rare moments of levity in an otherwise bleak situation. They may be slightly crazy and a lot to deal with, but Emma found herself extremely grateful that these people had been brought into her life.

 

* * *

 

When Emma texted her asking if she wanted to meet in the band closet during lunch, Alyssa honestly considered asking if they could give it a pass. But her need to see Emma won out, and besides, Emma had only asked for five minutes. It seemed like she wanted to tell her something. Alyssa hoped it wasn’t bad news.

Alyssa snuck away to the familiar corridor and slipped through the door to the band closet. Emma was waiting for her, as she always was. Unable to help herself, Alyssa crossed the distance between them and kissed her, cradling Emma’s face in her hands. It had been too long since she’d last been able to kiss Emma.

“Hey,” Emma said when they parted, smiling at her in a way that never failed to make Alyssa melt.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Alyssa sighed, her thumbs stroking over Emma’s cheeks. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been around lately.”

“You’ve got your own stuff going on,” Emma shrugged. “I do too. It’s okay.”

“Yeah, you mentioned you’d had dinner with those actors from New York,” Alyssa said, recalling one of Emma’s recent texts. “One of them got chased by the geese.”

Emma grinned a little, seeming to relive a memory. “Yeah. But what I meant to tell you is that, according to Mr Hawkins, they’re actually making some progress with the PTA. He’s brought in a lawyer as well, which is completely terrifying, but it might just work. We might get a prom after all.”

“Emma, that’s amazing,” Alyssa said, and she meant it. Images of slow dancing with Emma under soft golden lights flashed through her head. It sounded like a dream.

“Of course, the whole town still hates me and I’m not really sure what to do about that,” Emma sighed. “I’ll come up with something, but I just wanted to tell you that everything could still be able to happen!”

Fear suddenly started to creep in, but Alyssa tried to keep it from showing on her face. This shouldn’t be about her being scared to come out. This was about getting the prom back, for everyone, and she couldn’t bear to wipe the hopeful smile off Emma’s face. So she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and drew her into a tight hug instead, trying to relax herself by breathing in Emma’s familiar scent.

“You’re amazing,” she said quietly. “You’re so brave, and you’re having to deal with all this hate. I could never do what you’re doing right now.”

Emma didn’t reply, but she held onto Alyssa tighter, if that was even possible. Alyssa knew the seconds were ticking away from them, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to let go. She knew that one of them had to leave before both of their absences were noticed, but this felt like it was the first time she’d been able to be with Emma in a while, and she didn’t want to go back to pretending like this girl didn’t mean everything to her; not just yet.

Eventually, though, Emma eased back.

“I have to go speak to Mr Hawkins again,” she said. “He promised he’d keep me updated on what the lawyer said.”

“Okay,” Alyssa said. “I’ll try and come over after school, but it’ll depend on—”

“Your friends, your mother,” Emma finished, smiling a little sadly at her. “I know.”

Alyssa bit her bottom lip as Emma slung her bag over her shoulder. Emma leaned in and brushed their lips together in a gentle kiss before she started to walk to the door. Alyssa turned around to watch her leave, suddenly feeling the need to say something.

“Emma,” she said.

Emma stopped, hand hovering over the door handle. “Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Her girlfriend’s eyes softened. “I love you, too.”

Alyssa held onto that as Emma slipped out of the room. Not wanting to leave the safe space of the band closet quite yet, she sat down on an amplifier and ran the tips of her fingers over her lips. She could still feel Emma’s kiss, like she had been able to after their first kiss. Like she could after every kiss, if she concentrated enough.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t even notice the door to the band closet opening again.

“No. Way.”

A familiar voice came from the doorway, and Alyssa suddenly snapped back to reality. She looked up and, for a moment, her heart stopped beating.

Kaylee and Shelby.

Alyssa didn’t know how much they now knew, but the looks on their faces – somewhere between shock, confusion, and distaste – indicated that it was bad. She stumbled to her feet, pushing some hair self-consciously behind her ear as she faced her supposed best friends with barely-concealed fright.

It was Kaylee who had spoken first, looking at Alyssa now as if she was a stranger. “We were on our way to the bathroom when we saw her leaving and we wondered if…”

“It’s not what you think—” Alyssa stuttered, but Shelby cut her off.

“What we think is that you were in here hooking up with _Emma Nolan_ ,” she said, like it was simultaneously the best and worst piece of gossip she’d ever discovered.

“We weren’t hooking up!” Alyssa exclaimed. “We were just… talking.”

“You were touching your lips when we opened the door,” Kaylee pointed out. “Oh my god, you _were_ kissing her, weren’t you?”

“I was just—we were—” Alyssa didn’t know what she was even trying to say. Panic overtook her and it felt like ice was spreading through her veins, keeping her frozen in place.

Shelby saw straight through her. “You’re her. The girl Emma was going to bring to prom.”

Alyssa opened her mouth and closed it again. There was no point denying it; she’d been found out. It felt like there was cotton wool where her brain should be – she didn’t know what do to. Selfishly, she wished she and Emma were dealing with this shoulder to shoulder. At least then she wouldn’t be outnumbered.

“Wait, you’re a lesbian?” Kaylee asked suddenly, like the thought had only just occurred to her.

“Don’t tell anyone,” Alyssa pleaded. “If this gets back to my mother…”

They both regarded her for a long moment, like they were coming to a difficult decision. Alyssa felt her eyes welling up with tears. They were meant to be her friends, but friends wouldn’t do this to each other.

“Fine,” Shelby relented after what felt like a lifetime. “But, Alyssa, what the hell were you thinking?”

“What was I—”

“Emma, really?” Shelby arched an eyebrow at her.

Alyssa bristled suddenly, hot tears spilling down her cheeks. “Leave her alone.”

Kaylee shook her head in amazement. “Wow. Emma Nolan turned you gay.”

Alyssa wanted to scream. “That’s not how it works. God, Kaylee, I’ve always been—I just didn’t know what was different about me until… why am I even telling you about this?”

“Alyssa, being gay is a sin,” Kaylee lowered her voice. “Weren’t you listening in church?”

“The church says everything is a sin,” Alyssa muttered. She tried taking deep breaths, but it hurt her chest. “Nobody was meant to know about us yet, we… we were going to come out together. At prom.”

“Well, prom got cancelled,” Shelby said breezily. Alyssa didn’t miss the unspoken undertones that hinted at blame being placed on her and Emma. She didn’t have the mental capacity to fight that right now.

“Those New York people are trying to get it re-instated,” she said. “But we’ve all got to make an effort. This isn’t just about me and Emma, okay?”

She could tell Kaylee and Shelby weren’t sure whether or not to believe her. Alyssa suddenly felt very tired. She sniffed, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand and wishing that she’d let Emma go just a bit earlier. Maybe if she had, her friends would have never seen Emma leave and then wouldn’t have decided to play detective.

“I don’t understand why you like her,” Kaylee sighed.

Shelby nodded in agreement. “We won’t tell, but I still think you need to consider just how much you’re willing to risk for one night with one… girl.”

Alyssa wanted to say that she’d risk everything for Emma, but the doubts started to close in on her again. Fears of not being what Emma really wanted invaded her mind, and her friends having discovered her relationship so suddenly didn’t help. She didn’t want to tell Emma about this. She didn’t think she could see Emma without wanting to break down in tears over everything that had just happened, and Emma didn’t need that right now..

“We’re going shopping after school,” Kaylee announced. “Are you coming, too?”

This seemed like a test. “Yeah.”

“Cool. Meet in the parking lot?” Shelby asked.

Alyssa nodded mutely. Kaylee and Shelby left soon after – they were meant to be in class, after all. Alyssa sat back down on the amp and buried her head in her hands. This couldn’t be happening. Not on top of everything else.

At least they’d said they wouldn’t tell. Alyssa just hoped they were able to stick to that; she knew gossip had a way of getting around school, but maybe Kaylee and Shelby’s embarrassment at having a lesbian friend would encourage them to keep their mouths shut. Shopping was going to be a nightmare.

Alyssa sighed, wiping away the last of her tears and letting her worry give way to numbness. She pulled out her phone and sent a quick text to Emma letting her know that she probably wouldn’t be able to come over after school. She felt awful, but Emma was probably better off without having to deal with the mess Alyssa was right now.

Pocketing her phone once more, Alyssa stood up and got ready to go to the cafeteria for what was left of her lunch period. She wasn’t hungry, but the last thing she needed right now was for people to start asking questions as to why she hadn’t turned up yet again.

Kaylee and Shelby knew, and now everything had once again changed.

 

* * *

 

“You know what you should do?” Angie said suddenly, like an idea had struck her.

Emma looked up from her laptop, the two of them having been trawling through the various news articles written about the whole prom situation. Angie was perched behind Emma on the bed, reading over her shoulder with a thoughtful expression on her face.

“What?” Emma asked, trying not to let defeat creep into her voice. Prom was meant to have been less than a week away and the closer the date loomed, the less chance there was of getting it re-instated. Trent was apparently making some progress with the kids, but nothing concrete had come of it yet. She was starting to lose hope.

She was moping a bit anyway, because Alyssa had texted earlier to say that she wouldn’t be able to come over. Emma had run into Angie after school, who had taken one look at her and asked if she wanted a friend to hang out with. That had led to this – them reading what the press were saying, which probably hadn’t been a good idea. There were some articles that weren’t explicitly homophobic, but a lot of the local media wasn’t exactly on her side.

“Take a stand,” Angie said earnestly. “Change the narrative. If you speak up, I bet people will start listening.”

“I don’t know,” Emma said. “What good can I do? If all your fancy New York tricks and PR strategies won’t work, then what makes you think people will listen to a seventeen year old lesbian that the whole town hates?”

“Because you’re the voice,” Angie said, poking Emma’s shoulder. “You’re the one that this has happened to. As much as we’re doing what we can, we’re still outsiders to this whole thing.”

“How would I even go about telling my side of the story?” Emma sighed. “I can’t do public speaking, I just can’t.”

“You don’t have to,” Angie promised. “Doesn’t everything happen online nowadays anyway? Write a blog. Record a video. I don’t know, just do something that tells everyone how you feel.”

Emma took a slightly shaky breath. She could manage something like that, in the security of her own bedroom. She looked around the space; at the walls that had been repainted green once she’d moved in permanently and had wanted a change. She looked at the serene view from her window. Yeah, she could probably do something from here. Even if it didn’t work, it was better than sitting around reading other people’s opinions on it all.

“You got this, kid,” Angie said. “I know you’ll think of something.”

“You’re a lot smarter than the others give you credit for,” Emma told her, and Angie beamed. “Thank you, Angie.”

“I’ve got a lot of wisdom, what can I say,” Angie shrugged elegantly. “Now get to work.”

 

“Asshole.”

Emma’s face collided with the cold metal of her locker before she could stick out a hand to cushion the impact. Her glasses remained mercifully intact, but the frames pressed into her skin uncomfortably as she hit the locker. Her plan had better work; with it being only four days away from when prom was meant to have been, her classmates were getting more and more frustrated that the PTA weren’t budging, which meant some of them were getting madder at her specifically.

She just had to make it through to the final bell. Alyssa had suggested meeting behind the bleachers just after school instead of in the band closet, although Emma wasn’t sure why. She didn’t really question it – she was just so relieved to be seeing her girlfriend again, as they hadn’t talked much since their quick meeting yesterday. Truthfully, even Alyssa’s texts had been a bit off and Emma was starting to get worried. What if Alyssa had decided that all of this wasn’t worth it after all?

It was like every douchebag was out to get her today. Emma wasn’t quite sure how she made it out to the deserted football field without going insane, but she arrived to see Alyssa waiting for her as promised. The closer Emma got, the more concerned she became. Alyssa’s face was pinched, and she looked more worried than Emma had ever seen her. She drew to a stop just in front of her, suddenly unsure how to greet her.

“I have a plan,” Emma said instead, needing to put it out there. “Well, it’s half a plan right now.”

“What are you talking about?” Alyssa frowned, looking bewildered at Emma’s sudden announcement.

“My plan to fix all this, hopefully,” Emma said. “I’m going to tell my side of the story. Make a video and go public, and then maybe people will start to listen. And maybe they’ll start to understand how stupid they’ve been. It might not work but it’s worth a shot.”

A flicker of a smile crossed Alyssa’s face. “It is.”

Emma took a deep breath. “Will you… will you do it with me? Go public, I mean?”

Alyssa’s eyes went wide.

“I mean, we were going to come out at prom anyway,” Emma continued, her words rushing out and tumbling over each other. “We’re so much stronger together and if we both speak up then it’s almost like it’ll be twice the pressure on the PTA, especially since you were a huge part in planning the prom—”

“Emma, wait,” Alyssa said. “I… it’s a great plan, and I want to…”

“But?” Emma guessed, her heart sinking in her chest as the last bit of her hope deflated.

“But I can’t,” Alyssa said miserably.

Emma swallowed. “Can’t, or won’t?”

Alyssa’s eyes flashed. “Have you forgotten who my mother is? What she might do?”

“Of course I haven’t forgotten,” Emma said. “My own parents kicked me out of the house when they found out about me.”

“Exactly!” Alyssa stressed. “So you know what’s at stake for me! The awful things you’ve been through lately, I couldn’t…”

“You’re right, they have been awful,” Emma said. “And this plan has the potential to fix all that and maybe even make things better. But I don’t know if it’ll work without you. I don’t know if I can even _do_ this without you.”

“What’s so special about me?” Alyssa laughed humorlessly. Her eyes were glassy with tears. “I’m just the closeted girlfriend who can’t do anything right.”

“Alyssa—”

“No, Emma, listen to me,” Alyssa barrelled over Emma’s attempt at reassurance. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. I can’t go public.”

Emma felt numb; barely aware of the words coming out of her mouth. “But our plan…”

“That was _then_ , before you got outed,” Alyssa’s voice broke. “Before prom got cancelled. Before—before Kaylee and Shelby found out.”

“Kaylee and Shelby…”

A sob erupted from Alyssa’s throat. “They saw you leave the band closet yesterday and then they found me and figured it out. They just wouldn’t shut up and now they _know_ and it’s all too much and I can’t go through that with anyone else. I swore them to secrecy but they don’t like it. They don’t like that I’m gay. They don’t like that we’re the reason prom got cancelled. They don’t like that those people showed up and made everything worse.”

“I’m so sorry.” Emma said, her chest feeling like it was weighed down with lead. “Even before yesterday, you clearly weren’t happy. How—how long have you felt like that?”

Alyssa closed her eyes, tears starting to spill down her cheeks. “A while.”

Emma wanted to comfort her, but she was rooted to the spot. She didn’t understand what was happening. “You didn’t say anything.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Alyssa said, the tears flowing freely now. “I didn’t want things between us to change, and I figured since the PTA weren’t going to change their minds, we could just run away together and then we could come out once we were free from our parents.”

Emma didn’t know what to do. She felt somehow hollow; like there wasn’t any air left in her lungs. Clearly, she’d been blind to so much of what had been happening in Alyssa’s head lately. She tried in vain to swallow the lump in her throat. Her being in Alyssa’s life was just making things worse for her.

“I shouldn’t—I can’t do this anymore,” Emma said, blinking back tears of her own. “I’m sorry.”

“Is this—” Alyssa cut herself off with a strangled hiccup. “Are you breaking up with me?”

It hit Emma like a ton of bricks. “I… I guess I am. Yeah.”

Alyssa’s face crumpled, and Emma felt like the worst person in the world. Her hands longed to hold Alyssa, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do that anymore, not now that they’d broken up. Fuck. They were broken up. Alyssa wasn’t her girlfriend. Emma supressed a sudden sob – she needed to get out of there before she completely broke down.

“I can’t—I should go,” she choked out, turning sharply on her heel and trying to block out the sound of Alyssa crying as she walked away.

 

Emma managed to make it all the way to her bedroom before she couldn’t hold the tears at bay any longer. She shut her bedroom door and leaned against it, slamming her forehead against the wood once for good measure.

 _Stupid_.

She’d just broken up with Alyssa, and for what? What good had it accomplished? The only positive was now Alyssa was free to do as she pleased without feeling like she had to come out for Emma’s benefit. Deep down, Emma still wished that Alyssa had agreed to her plan – maybe it was selfish, but they were in love and Emma didn’t see how it was fair that they had to hide that.

Well, they _had_ been in love. Alyssa probably hated her now. Emma certainly hated herself, at any rate. She should’ve seen that Alyssa had been having doubts. Yes, Alyssa probably should have told her, but Emma knew her. She was meant to be able to tell when something was wrong, but she’d been so wrapped up in everything that was going on… well, now she was left to carry out her half-baked idea alone.

Emma stumbled backwards from the door, barely looking where she was going as she sat down on the floor next to her bed. Her hand flailed on the way down, knocking something off her bedside table.

She picked it up, another sob wracking her body as she recognized it as the envelope full of little messages that Alyssa had made and given to her on Valentine’s Day. Emma had opened a few of them in the meantime, and now she tipped the envelope upside down, watching as the rest of the unopened pieces of paper fell to the floor.

Two pieces landed right in front of her. One said _open when you’re feeling sad_. The other said _open when you’re mad at me_. Emma bit her lip as she looked between them. She wanted to be mad at Alyssa, but she just couldn’t bring herself to be. Maybe she’d be mad in the future, but right now, she was just upset. So she picked up the paper that said _open when you’re feeling sad_ and unfolded it with trembling hands.

 _Cry if you need to,_ the message inside began, in Alyssa’s beautiful handwriting. _I’ll be here to hold you, even if I’m not able to be there right now. It will get better. You’re so strong and you will get through this. I love you xxx_

Emma cried harder, feeling like she was barely able to draw breath. She wanted so badly to believe what Alyssa had written, but what if she didn’t mean it? Emma was certain she would have meant it at the time; probably hunched over in her room as she’d traced the letters and doodled a million hearts around them. But things were different now. Alyssa was probably breaking down right now, regretting everything she’d written. And it was all Emma’s fault.

A gentle knock at her door startled her, momentarily pulling her out of her spiral. For a split-second, her heart leapt at the prospect of Alyssa being there to hold her after all, just like the note had said, but then the door was opening and it was her grandma standing there instead.

Betsy took one look at her before she rushed over, crouching down in front of her on her creaky old bones. Emma pulled her knees up to her chest, knowing how pathetic she must look right now. Her grandma carefully removed her glasses and set them aside, wiping at the tears flowing down her cheeks and cooing at her in the way only a grandmother could.

“Sweetie, what happened?” she asked.

Emma gasped for breath. “Alyssa—she—then I— broke up—”

She couldn’t get it out any more coherently than that, but Betsy understood. She drew Emma into a loose hug, comforting her while still giving her room to breathe. Emma dropped her forehead onto her grandma’s shoulder, shuddering breaths wracking her body. She allowed the smell of her perfume to overwhelm her, remembering all the times throughout her childhood when they’d been in a very similar position to this. But this wasn’t a scraped knee, or her parents yelling at her for crossing the street without looking both ways. This was complete and utter heartbreak.

“Come on, let’s get you to the bathroom,” Betsy said, as she always did. She’d always been a firm believer in the ‘washing your face, blowing your nose and moving from where you were currently sitting to distract you’ technique.

Emma nodded, and let herself be pulled to her feet. She wrapped her arms around her grandmother as they walked down the hall to the bathroom, grateful that she wasn’t trying to make her talk again just yet.

Once they got to the bathroom, Betsy filled the sink with cold water while Emma stood there with her arms folded protectively over her chest. It felt distantly like she was trying to fold in on herself. When the basin was filled, Emma lurched forwards and splashed the water over her face. She resisted the urge to stick her whole head under the water and scream, but just barely.

Eyes closed so that she didn’t get water in them, Emma straightened up again and blindly reached out for a towel. Her head was spinning a little and, as such, her hand caught on something on the shelf above the basin. Emma heard the sound of something breaking, and her stomach plummeted.

“Watch out, dear,” Betsy said, handing her a towel so Emma could dry her face and open her eyes again. When she did, she wanted to start crying again. Lying on the floor in a thousand tiny pieces was the same ceramic chicken soap holder that she’d shown Alyssa all those months ago.

“I’m so sorry,” she managed, her throat beginning to close up again. Betsy shushed her, placing an arm around her shoulders and leading her out of the bathroom so that neither of them stepped on any of the pieces.

“It’s okay, it doesn’t matter,” she said reassuringly.

Emma shook her head. “But it does. And I broke it, I—I ruined it just like I ruin everything else.”

“Listen to me, Emma Nolan,” Betsy said firmly, placing her hands on Emma’s shoulders. “You do not ruin everything. Yes, things are hard right now. Worse than you should ever have to deal with, but you are _not_ a bad person – contrary to what you’re telling yourself right now.”

It was like all the air Emma had managed to gather was knocked out of her lungs in a single breath. She all but collapsed into her grandmother’s waiting arms, closing her eyes as a sudden tiredness overtook her body. Her brain was still buzzing with thoughts and regrets; all tumbling over one another and jostling for place, but her body relaxed for what felt like the first time in weeks.

“Now,” Betsy said, stroking Emma’s hair. “Why don’t you go downstairs and cut us each a slice of the cake I bought earlier while I clean this up?”

Emma nodded mutely. She didn’t know what she would do if she didn’t have her grandma in her life, especially after everything that had happened with her parents. At least there was one relationship in her life that she was pretty confident she couldn’t screw up. Her grandma had always been there for her, and Emma couldn’t even begin to express to her how grateful she was for that. If anyone could help her sort out the mess that was her life, it was Betsy Nolan.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the week crawled by, and Alyssa was miserable.

Sharing classes with Emma during the school day was hard enough, but even worse was when she was at home, knowing that Emma was just next door. Even though the houses themselves had some distance between them, it felt like Emma so close. But she was impossibly out of reach.

Alyssa hadn’t even had anyone she could really talk to after the break up. Kaylee and Shelby were the only people that knew (aside from Betsy and Emma herself) and they weren’t exactly subtle about hiding their relief when she told them. It made her feel more alone than ever.

She wished she could be the person that Emma wanted. She wished she could be bold enough, and not crumble under the pressure that was put on her shoulders, but it seemed impossible. How Emma had the strength to deal with her parents’ rejection and with being the face of this so-called prom scandal, Alyssa didn’t know.

Every time she saw Emma, she looked about as devastated as Alyssa felt. All she wanted to do was talk to her, but she wasn’t sure if she was allowed to. Emma had been the one to break up with her, so surely Alyssa couldn’t just go up to her. She couldn’t ask if Emma missed her as much as she missed Emma.

She should have been honest about the fear she’d felt after that one conversation with her mother. Emma was the sweetest person she’d ever met; maybe she would’ve understood. Alyssa couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if they’d talked it out. Maybe Emma would have broken up with her then and there. Alyssa doubted that, but the thought still plagued her.

Their plan for months had been to come out at prom, but all of that had gone off the rails during the course of one awful day. Things had been going downhill since then and it was like something had been missing ever since. It was almost like they weren’t quite on the same frequency. Now they weren’t even talking. Now Emma didn’t seem to even want to look at her.

Alyssa swallowed the lump in her throat when Emma accidentally glanced at her in class before looking away instantly. She knew in her heart that she would never get over how much she loved Emma, and it hurt to know that the feeling wasn’t returned.

 

On Saturday morning, Alyssa opened Facebook on her phone to complete chaos. Everyone had been posting last night about some kind of song, or something like that. Alyssa blinked the sleep out of her eyes and tried to focus on what was actually happening. She’d gone to bed pretty early last night, at least compared to her classmates, so she’d clearly missed whatever it was they were posting about. She found a link that seemed to be the video everyone was talking about, tapping it with her thumb and waiting sleepily for the video to load.

When it did, Alyssa’s eyes went wide. She sat up in her bed, no longer tired, because the person on the screen was Emma.

She recognized the location as Emma’s bedroom; she was sitting on her bed with her guitar in her lap, probably recording on her laptop. Alyssa was too shocked to retain most of what Emma was saying during the video’s introduction, fixed on the already ludicrous number of views. Her mind was racing too much, and her heart beat was deafening in her own ears.

Alyssa watched, transfixed, as Emma settled the guitar, cleared her throat, and started to sing. Her voice was as beautiful as ever, and Alyssa could feel herself melting as she watched Emma strum the chords as she sang. Emma had clearly written the song herself, but it strangely sounded familiar to her. Alyssa bit her bottom lip, trying to place where she’d heard this tune before.

Her heart stuttered when Emma started singing about hiding a relationship with someone. She listened with rapt attention, tears springing to her eyes for what felt like the millionth time recently as she absorbed the words of the song. And, suddenly, it came to her.

This was the tune Emma had played for her several months ago in her room; the moment that Alyssa had realized she’d had feelings for her. Alyssa wasn’t a music expert, but the chord progression was the same, she just knew it. The tune Emma had been humming now had words, and some of those words were about _her_. About them.

She didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, but the song by itself was beautiful. It nestled itself somewhere beneath Alyssa’s ribcage and, to her, it felt as if Emma’s words were speaking to the very core of her being. It was an indescribable feeling.

Memories of that day washed over her, and Alyssa remembered the mental image she’d had of Emma kissing her – the one that had sent her into such a state of panic. Over the months that had followed, kissing her had started to feel as natural as breathing.

By the time Emma finished singing, silent tears were rolling down Alyssa’s cheeks. She was feeling so many emotions that she couldn’t place them all, but she felt strangely strong. It was almost as if the confidence that had been destroyed during one conversation with her mother was slowly starting to rebuild itself. As bizarre as it sounded, given that she was sat in her bed crying over her ex-girlfriend’s song, Alyssa felt herself began to heal. She was stronger than she had been in a long time, and that feeling only grew when she replayed the video over and over again.

Later, Alyssa sat as if in a trance at the dinner table while her mother talked on and on about something or other. She couldn’t really bring herself to pay attention. She’d been watching Emma’s video almost non-stop all day. Plus, tonight was the night prom would have been if it hadn’t been cancelled. If her mother and her minions hadn’t cancelled it, Alyssa corrected herself.

“Alyssa.”

Her head snapped up as her mom’s voice cut through her thoughts. “Huh?”

“I said, what’s wrong? You’ve been so out of it all week,” her mother looked at her curiously.

“I’m fine,” Alyssa said automatically.

Mrs Greene pursed her lips. “You’re moping about something.”

“I said I’m fine.”

“Honey, if this is about a boy, I wouldn’t worry,” her mother continued. “Teenage boys aren’t the smartest creatures on the planet and they definitely aren’t worth getting upset over.”

“God, I’m not upset over a dumb boy,” Alyssa rolled her eyes. She levelled a challenging look at her mother, a feeling of recklessness taking over all of a sudden. “Actually, mom, I do have something to tell you.”

“Oh?”

Alyssa took a deep breath, remembering the way Emma’s song had made her feel. “I’ve, well, wanted to tell you this for a long time, but there never seemed to be a good moment. Besides, it’s something really personal and I didn’t know how you’d react but what the hell, why not say it?”

“You’re not pregnant, are you?” Mrs Greene asked.

“What? No!” Alyssa exclaimed. “Why would you even think—”

“Then I don’t want to hear it,” her mother said firmly.

Alyssa blinked in confusion. “But it’s important. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to say this and I really need you to listen—”

“No.”

Alyssa felt herself start to deflate, but she tried to rally. “Mom, please.”

“I said no!” her mother exclaimed, a wild look in her eyes, and Alyssa got the sudden sickening feeling in her stomach that her mother knew exactly what she’d been going to say.

The silence that followed her mother’s outburst was deafening. Alyssa’s blood boiled in her veins. It wasn’t fair – every time she tried, she just got shut down. But this time, instead of feeling herself cave in completely, Alyssa forced herself to take deep breaths.

“If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go to my room,” she said carefully, rising from the table. Her mom didn’t try and stop her.

Alyssa didn’t know how much time she spent in her bedroom trying to occupy her mind, to no avail. She’d heard her mother go to bed some time ago, probably still seething as much as Alyssa was. She watched Emma’s video a few more times, even though she already knew the words to the song by heart, and attempted to settle in for the night.

She couldn’t sleep.

Alyssa wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but she had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. Feeling the sudden, overwhelming urge to go down to the barn and check on Pebbles, she got out of bed and pulled on an oversized hoodie over her pyjamas. Slipping her phone into the pocket of the hoodie, Alyssa snuck out of her room and down the stairs.

She put on the sneakers she usually left by the back door and made her way out into the dark. The flashlight app on her phone as her only light, Alyssa approached the barn with a growing feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. She picked up the pace.

Alyssa flicked the barn light on as she entered the building and, after a moment, the dim lights came on so that she could at least see where she was going without the need for the light from her phone. She hurried to Pebbles’ stall and looked over the door. Usually whenever he saw her coming, Pebbles would come to greet her.

But something was wrong. The horse barely seemed aware of her, lying flat on his side in the straw and taking heaving breaths. Alyssa’s blood ran cold.

“Pebbles?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're sorry?
> 
> but really you guys we're so close to the end! one more chapter! i'd like to take this moment to remind you that i firmly believe in the power of happy endings, however the chicken soap holder had to be sacrificed. rip.
> 
> if you want to yell in the comments i highly recommend doing so - this chapter had some of the events that we're most keen to see how people reacted to!
> 
> i'm not sure when the final chapter will be up but i'll try not to make you guys wait too long for it :))


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so it's finally here, just in time for pride month! this au has been a huge part of my life for over 4 months (3 months since the first chapter was posted) and i'm excited/sad/nervous to see it end. more sappy notes at the end but first of all maria and i want to say a huge thank you to everyone who read the cowgirl au (i know it's more of a farm au that takes inspiration from canon but, let's face it, that doesn't have quite the same ring to it.)
> 
> this chapter took 3 weeks to write, whoops, but it's over 14k so hopefully that makes up for it?
> 
> warning: this chapter does contain discussions of sex, as well as implied sexual content, but nothing that warrants a change in rating, don't worry.

Emma awoke with a start.

She blinked a few times, sleepily trying to figure out what it was that had pulled her from her dream, which was already fading but had definitely involved Alyssa – as every dream that week had. It took a few seconds, but when Emma realized that her phone was ringing, she blindly reached out for it and answered it without looking to see who exactly was calling her in the middle of the night.

“Hello?” she asked, around a yawn.

“Emma? I need your help.”

Emma felt like she stopped breathing for a moment. The voice on the other end of the line was Alyssa’s. But she sounded upset; panicked, even.

“What’s wrong?” Emma asked, sitting up in bed and reaching for her glasses. It was a little overwhelming, to suddenly hear Alyssa’s voice for the first time in days, but Emma tried to push all of her emotional baggage to one side because this sounded important.

“It’s Pebbles,” Alyssa said shakily. “Something’s wrong with him and I don’t know what to do, I… I need you.”

Alyssa’s voice broke on the last word, and Emma threw the covers back immediately.

“I’m on my way,” she said. “Have you called a vet?”

“Yes,” Alyssa said. “I called, but they’re spread super thin and it’s gonna be a while before one gets here. Is Betsy there?”

“No, she’s out of town looking at a potential new farm addition or something,” Emma said, cursing her brain for not being able to recall exactly where her grandma was or what she was doing. “Would your mom know what to do?”

“She’s dead to the world when she’s asleep and besides, she was never the one who actually looked after the horses when I was little,” Alyssa said with a sniff. “That was my dad’s job.”

“Shit,” Emma said, grabbing a sweater and quickly pulling it over her head, juggling her phone from hand to hand. “Alright, Alyssa, I’ll be with you in a few minutes, okay?”

“Okay,” Alyssa whispered. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Emma said. “I’ll, um… I’m on my way.”

Emma hung up and cursed herself again as she barrelled down the hallway to the staircase. She’d wanted to say that she’d always be there for Alyssa, no matter what. That she loved her. That the song she’d written had been partly inspired by her. But she definitely wasn’t allowed to say that, not after the way she’d ended things between them last. The fact that Alyssa had called her at all after everything that had happened was a huge surprise – things with Pebbles must be really bad.

While she’d made progress with Pebbles over the past months, Emma still wasn’t completely comfortable around him. But as she pulled on some sneakers by the front door, she felt herself getting extremely worried at the prospect of anything bad happening to him. It made her quicken her pace as soon as she was out the door, running for the fence line and somehow managing to not fall flat on her face as she vaulted the post and rail in the dark. The thought briefly crossed her mind that this was the first time she’d actually been on the other side of the fence that divided Nolan and Greene property.

Emma was wide awake now, running as fast as her legs would carry her over the slightly uneven ground. The only light was the moon, and the only sound was her rasping breaths and her footfalls on the grass. The air felt heavy, like they were due for a storm. The barn loomed closer.

She slowed as she approached, not wanting to scare either Alyssa or Pebbles, and brought her pace down to a walk as soon as she entered the barn. There was more light inside, the soft glow of the artificial bulbs allowing Emma to get her bearings a little better. She walked towards the only stall with an open door, which presumably belonged to Pebbles.

“Alyssa?”

There was a rustle from the stall, and then Alyssa emerged through the door. Emma’s heart constricted in her chest at the sight of her; tears were running down her cheeks and her pyjamas were covered in straw. Her shoulders were hunched over. Emma swallowed hard, not quite knowing what she should do as her feet carried her closer.

“You’re here,” Alyssa said quietly as Emma stopped in front of her, almost like she hadn’t believed she would actually come.

Emma nodded, hardly daring to breathe. “I’m here.”

Alyssa’s bottom lip quivered, her eyebrows pinched together, and Emma found herself reaching out for her. Alyssa fell into the embrace, clutching onto the back of Emma’s sweater like a lifeline and burying her face in Emma’s neck. Emma felt like all the air had been knocked out of her lungs. When she’d walked away from Alyssa, she hadn’t expected to ever be able to hold her again, but here they were.

But now wasn’t the time to be hung up on things like this.

Reluctantly, Emma pulled back. “How is he?”

Alyssa bit her lip worriedly. “He’s breathing hard, but I don’t have a stethoscope or… or a thermometer, so I don’t know—but he’s in pain for sure.”

“Can I see him?” Emma asked.

Alyssa nodded, leading her into the stall. Emma sucked in a breath when she saw how pitiful the horse looked. He was laying on his side, a vacant look in his eyes. Occasionally, one of his hind legs twitched almost like he was considering kicking out but thinking better of it at the last moment. He barely lifted his head as he registered Emma’s presence.

Her heart went out to him, and to Alyssa. She crouched carefully by his head, stroking his cheek in what she hoped was a soothing gesture. Pebbles snorted gently, closing his eyes for a brief moment. Emma swallowed a lump in her throat. This couldn’t be happening.

“Do you have any theories on what’s wrong with him?” Emma hated how weak her voice sounded.

“My first thought was colic, cause he hasn’t showed any signs of an actual illness lately, but I don’t know,” Alyssa said. “I was always told that horses thrashed around when they had colic, and that’s one of the things that was so dangerous about it.”

“Dangerous?” Emma didn’t know a great deal about colic – only that it was an intense abdominal pain that horses could suffer from at the drop of a hat.

“They can injure themselves really easily,” Alyssa explained. “Or twist their gut or something, I can’t remember if that part’s true or not. He’s never had colic since I’ve had him, not once.”

“Well maybe Pebbles is smarter than other horses,” Emma reasoned, looking over her shoulder to see Alyssa regarding her curiously. “Maybe he knows that rolling and thrashing would make things worse, so he’s trying to lie still.”

Alyssa nodded slowly. “It’s possible. God, there’s so much contradictory information about colic.”

All of this was news to Emma. “Contradictory how?”

“Some people say you should get them up and walk them around,” Alyssa said. “But then others say that if they’re quiet then you can leave them on the ground.”

“Let’s ask him,” Emma suggested. She turned her attention back to Pebbles. “What do you say? Do you want to get up or stay here?”

Truthfully, she felt a bit silly asking him as if he were a human. But there was something about this horse that indicated a deeper understanding than most people would give him credit for. Pebbles glared weakly up at her through one eye, making no move to stand. Emma almost wanted to laugh at the expression on his face, but she was too worried.

“I think he’s good where he is,” Alyssa said. The straw rustled as she moved, walking behind where Pebbles was lying and sinking down so that she was sat with her back against the wall of the stable. She sighed, her eyes fixed on her horse as she looked for any sign of change.

“Can we do anything for him while we wait for the vet?” Emma asked.

Alyssa shook her head. “Not if it _is_ colic. I’m afraid he’s just going to have to tough it out until the vet arrives.”

“Poor Pebbles,” Emma murmured. After a moment’s hesitation, she sat down next to Alyssa on the straw – far enough away so that Alyssa didn’t feel crowded, but close enough that Emma’s heart started to race.

It felt so strange to be sitting there like that, given how their last conversation had ended, but Emma tried to push all that to the back of her mind. Besides, what Alyssa needed was for Emma to be there for her, not for her to be painfully aware of just how in love with her she was. No, it was better this way – no matter how much it hurt. Emma glanced over at her and could see the tear tracks still fresh on her cheeks.

“This is all my fault,” Alyssa said quietly. “If I’d have been paying more attention, maybe I would’ve been able to see this coming. Maybe the quality of the grass changed while I wasn’t looking and it threw off his digestive system.”

“Alyssa, none of this is your fault,” Emma said, her voice firm. “I know you, and I know that you always do everything you can for Pebbles. Sometimes, bad stuff just happens and there’s not a lot we can do about it.”

“My mother would probably say this is an act of God,” Alyssa said. “Or a punishment of some kind.”

“Your mother doesn’t know shit,” Emma muttered, pulling a tiny smile from Alyssa.

Pebbles grunted in pain, shifting to try and roll up onto his chest before changing his mind and flopping back down onto his side. Alyssa soothed him, straightening her legs out in front of her as Pebbles moved his head towards the two of them. His cheek rested on Alyssa’s thighs as he sought comfort, Alyssa stroking his face softly as fresh tears gathered in her eyes.

Emma willed the vet, wherever they were, to arrive as soon as humanly possible.

 

* * *

 

It didn’t surprise Alyssa that Emma eventually fell asleep.

Emma could be a sleepy person even during the daytime and, according to Alyssa’s phone, it was currently nearing three in the morning. There was still no sign of a vet. The only thing that was making Alyssa feel better about that part was that Pebbles didn’t appear to be worsening. Of course, he wasn’t getting much better, either.

Either way, Alyssa was aware she’d pulled Emma from her bed to sit in Pebbles’ stall with her in the middle of the night, so she didn’t begrudge her for drifting off while they waited. It’s not like Alyssa had been engaging her in riveting conversation or anything anyway. The silence hadn’t been completely awkward, but Alyssa still hadn’t known what to say.

Calling Emma had been an instinct; they may be broken up, but Alyssa couldn’t think of anyone she’d rather have by her side through this. Half of her had expected Emma not to answer, or to hang up once she realized who was calling her, but Emma hadn’t hesitated to come to her aid. Alyssa tried so hard not to get her hopes up, but even if Emma didn’t love her anymore, she seemingly still _cared_.

Alyssa glanced over at her. Somehow, over the past hour or so, they’d ended up gravitating towards each other and Emma was now sat right next to her, slumped against the wall in what surely couldn’t be a comfortable position. Her glasses were slightly askew, and Alyssa resisted the urge to straighten them for her. Emma frowned in her sleep, murmuring something Alyssa couldn’t quite catch before her posture slipped and her head ended up on Alyssa’s shoulder. Throughout it all, she somehow didn’t wake up.

Alyssa felt like she was holding her breath. She closed her eyes briefly, savoring the comforting weight for as long as she could before she started to overthink everything. It didn’t mean anything – Emma was asleep and would have gravitated towards anyone. Still, as Emma’s hair tickled her skin, she couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of familiarity and peace. Emma’s hair still smelled like the conditioner she always used.

She looked down at Pebbles, who was snorting under his breath occasionally but keeping his body very still, and silently willed the vet to arrive. She was almost sure it was colic now, with how uncomfortable her horse appeared to be, but she knew there was more than one kind of colic. Hopefully it wouldn’t come to surgery. Aside from the risk, and the time they’d already spent waiting, Alyssa didn’t know whether they’d be able to afford surgery. She wasn’t sure if she would even be able to afford this vet bill for an emergency callout in the middle of the night.

Pebbles made a noise that – if he were human – would have been a groan. He pawed sideways at the ground with a foreleg, grinding his teeth together. Alyssa felt the movement of his jaw under her hand, and she sucked in a shallow breath. The waiting was torture.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “You’re going to be okay.”

Alyssa was saved from her incoming downward spiral by the sound of a car pulling up close to the barn. It had to be a vet. She nudged Emma a few times until she startled awake, disorientated and blinking rapidly against the light in the stall. Emma lifted her head from Alyssa’s shoulder quickly, putting a little distance between them again.

“Sorry,” she muttered. Alyssa tried to curb her disappointment.

“It’s fine,” she said. “Vet’s here.”

“Right, okay,” Emma said, stifling a yawn. “Good.”

Alyssa gently moved Pebbles’ head off her legs and stood up, holding out a hand for Emma after a moment’s hesitation. Emma took it and Alyssa pulled her to her feet, refusing to let herself focus on their proximity.

The vet worked quickly, instructing Alyssa to put a halter on Pebbles and get him to his feet so that he could be properly examined. Pebbles was reluctant to stand, but he did so after some coaxing. The vet took his temperature and pulse, using the stethoscope to also listen to his gut sounds before looking at his gums too. All the while, he asked Alyssa various questions: How old Pebbles was, how long he’d been showing signs of colic, when he last ate and drank. She answered them almost in a daze.

He turned to Alyssa once he was done. “It seems to be spasmodic colic.”

Alyssa wracked her brain, trying to figure out how serious that was. She remembered something about spasmodic colic being one of the easiest types of colic to treat, but one of the hardest types to determine a cause for.

“Will he be okay?” Emma asked.

“He’ll be fine,” the vet said reassuringly. “I’m going to inject him with something to relieve the pain, and a smooth muscle relaxant to stop the abdominal cramping. After that, he should recover well.”

Alyssa breathed a sigh of relief, stepping forward to wrap her arms around Pebbles’ neck. She could hear the vet tell Emma a few things before he went back to his car to prepare the injections, but it was all white noise. Pebbles was going to be okay.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around to see Emma looking at her. Her blonde hair was a complete mess and she had faint red marks on her face from where her glasses had pressed just slightly into her skin while she slept. How she’d managed to sleep, Alyssa would never know, but all she could focus on was the soft brown of Emma’s eyes and the tentative smile that pulled at her lips.

“He’s gonna be okay,” Alyssa said, hardly daring to believe it.

Emma nodded. “He is. See, I told you he was smart. Saving his energy and making sure he didn’t hurt himself.”

“He must be in so much pain,” Alyssa sighed, turning to look at her horse. He seemed exhausted.

“He’ll be feeling better soon,” Emma said, inclining her head to the vet’s car.

“Thank you,” Alyssa said. “For being here. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“I didn’t really do anything,” Emma said, ducking her head.

Alyssa swallowed a sudden lump in her throat. “No, you did everything. I would have been panicking without you which would probably have upset Pebbles and I’d be spiralling and it just means a lot that you came, I—”

She cut herself off, feeling her cheeks heat up under Emma’s gaze. Here was a girl, her ex-girlfriend, who had just gone viral on the internet for writing a song, and she was here with Alyssa right now in the middle of the night with straw in her hair, looking after a sick horse just because Alyssa had called. She hadn’t even mentioned the video once.

The vet came back with two syringes in hand, breaking the moment. Alyssa quickly focused on the task at hand, which was holding Pebbles still while the injections were administered. He eyed the vet a little warily, but seemed too tired to protest. The vet patted his neck once he was done, ruffling the horse’s mane comfortingly.

“Keep an eye on him for the next hour just to be sure,” he told Alyssa. “He should start to improve pretty quickly and you can start re-introducing food in the morning when his bowel movements get back to normal.”

“Okay,” Alyssa said. “Is water fine?”

The vet nodded. “Yes, it’s good for him to stay hydrated now that he’s been treated. I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner, but you both did a good job.”

Alyssa thanked him, deciding that now wasn’t the best time to bring up the issue of the bill. She’d cross that bridge when she got to it, or rather, when the bill arrived in the mail. The vet left and Alyssa let out a huge sigh, resigning herself to keeping watch over Pebbles for a while longer. At least she didn’t have school, even if she would be falling asleep in church later. God, she was going to have to face her mom again after their argument last night.

She unclipped the rope from Pebbles’ halter, leaving the halter itself on just in case of emergency, and let him have some peace and quiet. He was already looking in much better shape, to her utter relief. She and Emma retreated to the outside of the stall, still under the cover of the barn. It was just as well that they were under cover, because a sudden flash of lightning lit up the sky outside. Alyssa jumped, her heart in her throat, and crashed into Emma.

“Sorry, sorry,” she said, blushing as Emma’s hands landed on her upper arms to steady them both.

“It’s okay,” Emma said softly. Alyssa chanced a look up from the ground, meeting Emma’s eyes as thunder rumbled outside. She suddenly became aware of the sound of rain and wondered how long that had been happening. And maybe it was because of the stress of the night, and the fact that she hadn’t slept yet, and the fact that spending time with Emma after days of radio silence was bringing back a lot of their old familiarity, but she couldn’t help but start talking.

“I almost came out to my mom,” Alyssa blurted out. “As in, I tried.”

Emma’s eyebrows shot up. “W-what happened?”

“She shut me down, hard,” Alyssa said. “I think… I think she knew what I was going to say.”

“God, Alyssa, I’m so sorry,” Emma said. “I never should have tried to push you—”

“No, I’m sorry,” Alyssa shook her head. “It was me who went back on our plan and was too scared to tell you.”

“But I should’ve known,” Emma stressed. “I was your girlfriend; I should’ve been able to see that something wasn’t right.”

“Emma, you’ve kind of had a lot going on,” Alyssa pointed out. “With your parents, and these people arriving, and how awful everyone’s being at school… and more recently, your newfound fame.”

“My…”

“Your song,” Alyssa said quietly. “I’ve kind of been watching the video on repeat.”

Emma’s eyes widened. “You have?”

“All those views and you didn’t think I’d be at least one of them?” Alyssa asked, feeling a little shy. “It took me a while, but I remembered where I’d heard the song before.”

“Oh,” Emma said, looking down at her feet. Alyssa smiled sadly.

“It helped me, when I was trying to come out to my mother,” she said. “Even if she freaked out and didn’t let me actually say it.”

“I’m sorry,” Emma said again.

“For what?”

“Just… everything,” Emma said, closing her eyes. “For making things worse between you and your mother. For what I said when I—when I… I never wanted to force you into coming out when you weren’t ready.”

“But that’s the thing. I _want_ to come out,” Alyssa said. She needed to make Emma see what she was trying to get at. “I want to tell her. And I don’t care who knows anymore because _fuck_ what they think. I’m so tired of living my life for other people, Emma; for my mother or for Kaylee or Shelby or any of the other kids at school, and your video helped me realize that.”

“It did?” Emma looked up at her, surprised and maybe a little hopeful.

“It did,” Alyssa nodded, suddenly feeling a rush of determination. “I’m not going to say that I’m not scared, because I still am, but I’m starting to think that maybe some things are more important than fear.”

“Like what?” Emma asked, her eyes never leaving Alyssa’s.

Alyssa felt hypnotized. She swallowed, exhaling shakily. “Like love.”

There was a long silence, and then Emma blinked. “Do—do you mean…”

She looked like she didn’t dare believe what Alyssa was saying. And suddenly, in that moment, Alyssa _knew_ that Emma still loved her. She didn’t know how exactly she knew, but the feeling was almost overwhelming. Emma’s gaze dropping to her lips only confirmed that feeling, and Alyssa’s breath came shorter and shorter.

Lightning flashed once more, but Alyssa was oblivious to it, because all of a sudden both she and Emma were pulling each other closer.

The kiss was almost frantic in nature. Alyssa gripped the front of Emma’s sweater for dear life as they kissed, feeling Emma’s fingers catch in her hair as she cupped her face. Emma was kissing her open-mouthed and desperate, sending lightning through Alyssa’s body that rivalled the ongoing storm outside.

Alyssa couldn’t help the whimper that escaped her lips. She’d thought that she would never get the chance to kiss Emma again; to feel the shape of Emma’s lips on her own, to experience that oddly specific feeling of the bridge of her nose pressing against Emma’s glasses, and she couldn’t quite believe that it was happening. She kissed her back fiercely, hoping that Emma got the message about just how much Alyssa had missed her this past week.

After a while, she didn't know how long, the pace of their kisses slowed. Alyssa’s fingers relaxed around the material of Emma’s sweater, the next kiss much softer than the previous ones had been. She captured Emma’s bottom lip between her own, her heart thumping in her chest as she felt Emma’s arms move to wrap around her waist.

Emma pressed one last kiss to her lips before pulling back just slightly and leaning her forehead against Alyssa’s. For a moment neither of them said anything, their breaths mingling in the night air as the storm carried on around them. Alyssa kept her eyes shut tight, unwilling to break the spell.

“I love you,” Emma whispered.

A relieved sob tore itself from Alyssa’s throat. She withdrew slightly and opened her eyes to see Emma staring worriedly back at her, like she was afraid she’d said or done something wrong. Alyssa shook her head frantically, sensing what was coming.

“Please don’t say you’re sorry again,” she said. “I love you, Emma. I never _stopped_ loving you.”

“Even after I left you standing by those bleachers alone?” Emma’s bottom lip quivered. Alyssa could see tears in her eyes. “I don’t know what I was thinking, I – I guess I just thought I was making things worse and you were better off without me and I… I don’t know.”

And although those memories still hurt, the whole thing started to make a little more sense to Alyssa now. She tucked some of Emma’s flyaway hair behind her ear, coming to the realization that she hadn’t been the only one scared of the future.

“We’re stronger together, like you said,” Alyssa reminded her. She suddenly laughed a little. “God, after all that’s happened lately, I just can’t help but wish we actually still _had_ a prom to go to like we planned.”

“My new friends are trying their hardest,” Emma said, with a watery smile. “Trent’s been trying to ‘connect with the youth’ the past couple days.”

“They all sound… interesting,” Alyssa said.

Emma ducked her head. “They’ve been so nice to me. Like weird parents, only they’re better than the parents I actually have.”

Alyssa was about to reply when a loud snort pulled her attention away from Emma. Pebbles was looking at the two of them from over the door of his stall, looking a lot brighter than he had been all night, and relief flooded Alyssa’s body. She gently extricated herself from Emma to check on him, feeling a little dizzy after the various events of the night. God, she was tired.

“I’m no expert,” Emma said. “But he looks a lot better.”

“Yeah,” Alyssa smiled. “He does.”

 

* * *

 

They only left when Pebbles took to glaring pointedly at them, blinking against the artificial lights of the barn. Emma snorted in amusement, and Alyssa raised her eyebrows at her horse.

“I think we’ve just been dismissed,” she said with a laugh.

Emma’s heart skipped a beat. “I think you’re right.”

Alyssa checked her phone and grimaced. “I’m definitely going to fall asleep in church.”

“Hey, the important thing is that Pebbles is okay,” Emma reminded her.

“I just wish I knew for sure I could pay the vet bill,” Alyssa sighed, rubbing her temples. “My mom will not be pleased if I ask her to pay for it, but I think that’s my only option. Unless I can find the money by the time the bill comes. Sorry, rambling now.”

“I like your rambling,” Emma shrugged, already formulating the beginnings of a potential solution as they began to walk out of the barn.

It was still dark outside. While the thunder and lightning had passed, rain still poured from the sky above. Alyssa switched the barn lights off at the door, but the moon still shone down on them both. Emma held out her hand for Alyssa to take.

“Come on, let’s get you back to your house,” she offered.

Alyssa smiled tiredly at her before slipping her hand into Emma’s. The feeling of Alyssa’s hand in hers sent a rush of warmth through Emma’s body, although not quite as powerful as the rush that she’d felt when they’d kissed. Emma still couldn’t believe that it had happened – and that Alyssa still loved her too; that she was here holding her hand again even after everything that had happened this week.

They dashed out from under the cover of the barn, making a beeline for the back door of Alyssa’s house. The rain soaked through their clothes almost immediately and the droplets on Emma’s glasses limited her already poor vision in the dark. Alyssa’s hand in hers kept her grounded as they reached the Greene house.

They huddled together at the door, their hair plastered to their faces in the downpour. Emma tried not to laugh at the relief she currently felt, for various reasons. Alyssa bit her lip and Emma’s eyes were automatically drawn to the movement.

“Can you give me a ride to school on Monday?” Alyssa asked, her eyes alight.

“Yeah, but—but people might see…” Emma trailed off in confusion.

“Let them,” Alyssa said with a shrug, although she still looked a tiny bit apprehensive. “I know it wasn’t our plan but… I’m so sick of hiding and even though it’s not dancing or kissing in front of the whole school, maybe this could be a start.”

“If it’s what you want, for you,” Emma said, “then of course I will.”

Alyssa nodded. “It is. I want to do this for me, but having you by my side always makes things so much better.”

“I feel the exact same way,” Emma smiled, unbelievably glad that tonight they’d been communicating better than they had in a while. Despite how heavy the night had started, she felt almost giddy right now. She and Alyssa simply gazed at each other, and Emma tried to sear this moment into her brain so she could remember it forever.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” Alyssa said.

Emma’s stomach flipped. “So kiss me.”

Alyssa huffed out a relieved little laugh, rocking forward and kissing her gently. Emma melted into it, cupping Alyssa’s cheek with the hand not holding hers and feeling the rain-soaked skin beneath her fingers. They stayed like that for a few long moments – Emma ignoring for as long as she could the fact that soon she’d have to go back to her own home and let Alyssa go inside.

She wasn’t sure how she was going to be able to sleep after the events of the past couple hours, despite knowing she had a reputation for being able to sleep pretty much anywhere and at any time.

Alyssa’s lips were soft. Emma hadn’t forgotten, but it felt so good to be reminded as they kissed. Her heart felt like it might just burst; she couldn’t believe that she might have been given a second chance with Alyssa. Determined that they wouldn’t mess it up again, Emma reluctantly pulled away.

She opened her eyes to see Alyssa’s still closed, but there was a slow smile spreading across her face. Unable to help herself, Emma stole one last kiss before she took a deliberate step back. Alyssa pouted, but whatever protest she’d been planning was interrupted by a sudden yawn.

Emma bit her lip to stop herself from laughing. “Goodnight, Alyssa.”

“G’night,” Alyssa said, reaching blindly behind her to open the back door. “I’ll call you after lunch?”

“Sounds perfect,” Emma said. Alyssa stepped inside but didn’t let go of her hand or close the door yet, instead turning back to look at Emma like she was wondering if all this had actually happened and hadn’t just been some elaborate dream.

Emma could relate.

She brought the back of Alyssa’s hand to her lips and pressed a soft kiss to her knuckles, feeling like some sort of prince in a fairy tale – if there was ever a fairy tale set in the middle of nowhere, Indiana.

And as she walked back to her own house once Alyssa had finally gone inside, Emma couldn’t help but hope with everything she had that they, too, would get their happily ever after.

 

“There’s our rockstar,” Barry greeted her the next afternoon. “You should move to New York and become a songwriter, you know.”

“Shut up,” Emma said, ignoring how tempting that suggestion was, but she couldn’t help the grin on her face or the spark of hope in her heart. Honestly, she didn’t think she’d stopped smiling since she’d woken up just before midday. Only Alyssa calling her, as promised, had convinced her that all of last night had really happened.

Apparently, Pebbles was almost back to normal after his ordeal. Alyssa had said she’d fed him a bit before church and then given him the rest of his breakfast after she and her mom got back. She’d decided to keep him in his stall for the day with soaked haylage instead of dry, just as a precaution – which Emma presumed Pebbles wouldn’t be too pleased about.

“You look happy,” Angie noted.

Emma ducked her head. “Well, I guess I’ve got a lot to be happy about.”

“That’s a very specific smile,” Barry said, waving his hand in Emma’s direction with a gleam in his eye. “That’s a smile that can only be put there by _romance_.”

Angie gasped excitedly. “Oh my god, you got back together with your girlfriend.”

Emma stood there, completely dumbfounded. “Is it really that obvious?”

“Yes,” Dee Dee said, from where she was stretched out on one of the beds.

“Huh,” Emma said. She didn’t know quite when these people had learned to read her like a book, but she kind of liked how in tune with her they appeared to be now. It felt more than ever like they were true friends. “Hey, where’s Trent and Sheldon?”

“Sheldon is on the phone helping to raise awareness of your video to the right people,” Barry said. “Trent… I don’t really know where the hell Trent is.”

“I am here!” The door swung open and Trent sauntered in looking very smug. “After all, I never miss my cue.”

Barry snorted. “Well, except for that one time in _Shrek_ when you—”

“No. Desist,” Trent hissed, cutting him off with a threatening look. “We do not speak of that.”

“Wait, you were in _Shrek_?” Emma laughed. “Who did you play?”

“Oh no, we’re not going there,” Trent said.

“Lord Farquaad,” Dee Dee supplied.

Emma was beside herself. “This is the best day of my life.”

“Anyway,” Trent said loudly. “I think the tide is officially turning, that’s what I came here to tell you.”

“What do you mean?” Angie asked.

“The youth,” Trent grinned. “They’ve made a breakthrough. The language barrier that has for so long has separated them from the acceptance of others is diminishing by the second.”

“For god’s sake, Trent,” Barry sighed. “Speak English.”

“They’re coming around to Emma’s side,” Trent said. “We sang and danced and had a wonderful bonding experience.”

“Wait, really?” Emma was confused.

“Between that and your song, you might just have the masses on your side,” Trent beamed at her. “Or at least most of the kids at school.”

“They all want a prom,” Barry said. “And even if we have to fund it ourselves, we’re going to make it happen.”

Emma stepped forwards and hugged him, overwhelmed by the determination and sincerity in his voice. Despite the date of the original prom having passed, he was still so adamant that it wasn’t too late. Barry patted her gingerly on the back but happily accepted the hug, and Emma squeezed him as tight as she dared.

“Hopefully the money that was supposed to go towards the original prom is still around,” she said, drawing back from the hug and biting her lip apprehensively. “But, um, in the meantime, I do actually have a _slight_ money-related favor to ask you guys.”

 

* * *

 

Things with Alyssa’s mother had been tense ever since she’d shut down her attempt to come out a few days ago, but instead of the terror she’d thought she might feel, Alyssa just felt tired. She felt more determined than ever. She felt sick of everything her mother was doing to avoid the conversation which they both knew had to happen.

Especially now that things were changing at school.

She and Emma hadn’t gone public, per se, but Alyssa got a ride to and from school in Emma’s car and a few people had definitely noticed. Alyssa felt better about going back to the band closet for lunch, too, now that she wasn’t afraid of Kaylee and Shelby finding them.

Alyssa could tell her friends wanted to say something to her, but she wasn’t quite sure what. They kept glancing at each other like they were trying to work themselves up to a specific conversation that never seemed to happen. This went on for two days before Alyssa steeled herself and confronted them.

“Spit it out,” she sighed.

It was after school and they were hanging out in Alyssa’s room. She was tired, and she wanted to be next door with Emma, and Kaylee and Shelby’s silent conversation was starting to irritate her.

“Spit what out?” Kaylee said immediately. Alyssa raised her eyebrows.

“Whatever it is you’ve been wanting to say to me since yesterday morning.”

Shelby shifted uncomfortably. “You noticed that?”

“Of course I did,” Alyssa scoffed. “I’m not an idiot.”

“Okay, fine,” Kaylee said. She took a deep breath. “Are you and Emma back together?”

Alyssa’s palms started to sweat slightly. She wasn’t quite sure where this conversation would lead. “Yes.”

Shelby nodded thoughtfully. “I knew it. You’ve been… happier, the past couple days.”

“She makes me happy,” Alyssa said quietly. “I know you guys don’t like her and you don’t like the fact that I’m dating a girl, but I just… I don’t care.”

“Alyssa—”

“I love her,” Alyssa said, barrelling over what Kaylee had started to say. “I’m _in love_ with her, okay?”

They both gaped at her slightly, a silence descending over the room. Alyssa set her jaw, doing her best not to be the first to break eye contact. Eventually, Shelby blinked a few times, looking a little stunned.

“I didn’t… I didn’t know you were in love with her,” she said.

Alyssa nodded. “Well, I am. And if you can’t accept that, then we can’t be friends anymore.”

“Wait, Alyssa,” Kaylee tried again. “We weren’t gonna… what we were actually trying to say is—”

“We’re sorry,” Shelby said. “For what we said last week.”

“What?” Alyssa asked. She was loathe to admit it, but she was a little suspicious.

“We were stupid,” Shelby continued, Kaylee nodding along. “We reacted badly and, well, no matter what we thought at the time, we shouldn’t have made you feel the way you felt about it.”

Alyssa was dumbstruck. This was definitely not the conversation she’d been expecting to have with them.

“We didn’t get it,” Kaylee said honestly. “I mean, even now I’m still trying to work through some stuff, but that Trent guy – the one from _Talk to the Hand_ – he’s been talking to us all a lot lately and it’s made things easier to understand.”

“It shouldn’t have been hard in the first place,” Alyssa muttered, blinking back confusing tears. She’d cried enough the past week to last her a lifetime.

“I know,” Shelby said. “And we can’t change what we said. We just want you to know that we’re sorry, and that we’re trying.”

Alyssa nodded stiffly. “Okay. Um, thank you. For saying that.”

“Maybe we could all hang out sometime?” Kaylee suggested, after a pause. “I haven’t really spoken to Emma properly in years, and maybe it might help or something.”

“I always forget you two hung out in, like, sixth grade,” Alyssa said. Kaylee looked down at the floor.

Shelby lifted one shoulder in a half-shrug. “We get it if you don’t want to, but if she makes you this happy then we’d be bad friends if we didn’t at least try to mend things.”

“Yeah, I—I’ll talk to Emma about it,” Alyssa said, not quite believing the words coming out of their mouths. It all felt a little surreal – she didn’t know when she’d last heard either of them apologize for anything. It didn’t mean things were suddenly okay, or excuse all they’d done, but maybe this was the start of things actually getting better.

Later, before the two of them left, Kaylee excused herself to go to the bathroom and Shelby let out a shaky breath, suddenly fidgeting where she sat. Alyssa frowned in concern at the abrupt shift in her mood.

“Are you okay?”

Shelby nodded jerkily. “Yeah. Just, um, I actually wanted to ask you about something. Privately.”

“Okay, yeah,” Alyssa said. She sat down next to Shelby on the edge of the bed. “What is it?”

“How—” Shelby closed her eyes, twisting her hands in her lap and keeping her body facing straight ahead. “How did you know?”

“Know what?” Alyssa asked. She had a gut feeling about how the sentence was going to end, but she couldn’t be sure.

“That you like girls,” Shelby said, all in a rush. “I mean, you’re a lesbian, right? We never actually asked that—”

“I’m a lesbian,” Alyssa confirmed, feeling a bit of a rush saying it out loud to Shelby. It was the first time around her that she’d felt remotely comfortable discussing her sexuality – maybe because it felt like she had control of the situation this time.

“Okay,” Shelby said. “But how did you know?”

“I’m not sure exactly,” Alyssa bit her lip as she thought back. “I guess on some level I’ve known for a really long time. I mean, I never got what was so special about the boys you and Kaylee would always talk about. But I didn’t want to think about why, because of reasons that are essentially everything that’s happened ever since Emma’s parents threw her out.”

Shelby shifted uncomfortably, but Alyssa found it difficult to have _too_ much sympathy for her, given her part in everything. Still, she couldn’t help but wonder what it was exactly Shelby was trying to ask.

“Then one day I had a lightbulb moment,” Alyssa said, thinking back to Emma’s bedroom, and the song that didn’t even have words at the time. “And I realized I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Looking back, I think I’ve had quite a few crushes on girls that I passed off as admiration.”

“You were always very attached to our seventh grade math teacher,” Shelby said with a little laugh.

“What? She was hot,” Alyssa shrugged.

Shelby snorted. “Yeah, she was. That’s kind of what I’m getting at, I…”

“Shelbs?” Alyssa put a hand on her shoulder when she trailed off, distantly wondering how long it had been since she’d used that nickname.

“I think I like girls,” Shelby whispered. “I mean, it’s not why I broke up with Kevin or anything. I’m still attracted to guys, but – I just… I don’t know. It’s all kind of confusing and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it but I figured you might be able to help me make sense of it or something.”

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Alyssa said, seeing Shelby’s eyes getting wider and wider and her words coming faster and faster. “Breathe.”

Shelby sucked in a deep breath, held it, and then exhaled. “Thanks.”

“Maybe we should talk about this properly when we have more time,” Alyssa suggested gently. “But, you know, you can be attracted to more than one gender.”

“Yeah, google said I could be bi,” Shelby said distractedly. “It’s just… it was never something I thought about until all this stuff happened, and then after we found out about you and Emma, I don’t know, I started questioning why I said those things.”

“You did?” Alyssa was, once again, bewildered. She remembered how Shelby had asked her how much she’d be willing to risk for Emma – maybe it had been a subconscious reflection of her own insecurities. “Is there anyone you—”

“No,” Shelby said quickly, but her eyes darting to the door betrayed her. And, suddenly, Alyssa knew why Shelby had wanted this particular talk to be one on one. Because Kaylee had Nick, and hadn’t reacted well to finding out about Emma and Alyssa, and it was probably very complicated. So Alyssa didn’t call her out on it.

“Text me later, and we’ll find a time to hang out and talk about this,” Alyssa said. “If you want to.”

Shelby nodded. “Yeah, that would be nice. And I know I don’t deserve your silence but… please don’t tell anyone.”

“Cross my heart,” Alyssa reassured her. “And it’s all in the past. I mean, it still hurts, but you’re trying to be more accepting and I can see that. Don’t ever think for a second that I would hold this over you.”

Shelby blinked back tears, biting hard on her bottom lip as she nodded. “Okay.”

This was _definitely_ not how Alyssa had expected her day to turn out.

 

The week’s surprises weren’t over, though, as Alyssa discovered the very next day.

She and Emma had decided to have lunch in the band closet, but Alyssa found herself the first one there – which was odd. Emma was usually the one waiting for her. After a few minutes, Emma turned up, out of breath and grinning from ear to ear. She shut the door behind her, dumped her bag on the ground, and took Alyssa’s hands in her own.

“Alyssa Greene,” she said, still slightly breathless. “Will you go to prom with me?”

Alyssa was stunned into momentary silence. Why was Emma asking her that… unless: “The PTA—”

“—Gave in,” Emma finished. “Mr Hawkins just told me. There’s going to be a prom after all.”

“Oh my god,” Alyssa said, hardly daring to believe it. “It worked?”

“It worked,” Emma nodded. She looked ready to burst. “So, will you go with me?”

“Yes, yes, of course I’ll go with you!” Alyssa laughed giddily. “Holy shit.”

She threw her arms around Emma in a hug that felt more celebratory than anything else. They held onto each other tightly, Alyssa unable to stop the excited squeal that came from her mouth as the news fully sunk in.

“Wait, when is the prom going to be?” she asked, drawing back enough to see Emma’s face.

“This Saturday night,” Emma said.

“That’s, like, three days from now,” Alyssa said. “Oh my god, I need a dress.”

Emma grinned at her. “We’re finally going to get our dance.”

Alyssa’s heart was set racing at the thought. She waited for the fear to overwhelm her; pleasantly surprised when she felt only a twinge of nerves at the prospect of dancing with Emma in front of everyone. She leaned in and kissed Emma, short and sweet and just because she could. Even that lightest of kisses sent electricity through her veins.

They left the band closet together this time, Alyssa talking Emma’s ear off about shopping for a dress and wondering if it would be a good way to help fix things with Kaylee and Shelby. She was just about to ask if Emma wanted to come too when a commotion caught both of their attention.

“Is that… coming from the gym?” Emma asked. A couple of students ran past them in the direction of the growing noise.

Alyssa nodded. “I think it is.”

They found themselves being drawn along with everyone else towards whatever scene was taking place in the gymnasium. The closer they got, the louder the voices became. Alyssa recognized one of the voices as Mr Hawkins’, and he sounded angry at someone. Her stomach swooped, hoping that none of the students were rejecting the prom after all the trouble it had taken to reinstate it. But as she and Emma neared the gym, it became clear that the person arguing with the principal wasn’t a student. It did, however, cause Alyssa to quicken her stride, because she’d know that voice anywhere.

“Mom, what are you doing?” she asked, bursting into the gym.

Dozens of people – teachers, students, PTA members – all turned to look at her, as did Emma’s new friends from New York. Alyssa strode through the crowd to where her mother stood, red-faced and fuming, the strap of her handbag slipping down over her shoulder as she appealed to the masses and tried to shut down the prom once more.

“—Inappropriate behavior to be encouraging – Alyssa!” Mrs Greene paused momentarily as she registered her daughter’s presence. Alyssa didn’t know exactly what her mother had been saying, but she could hazard a guess.

“You have to stop talking,” she said, walking up to where her mom stood and grabbing her hands. “Please, just listen to me when I say that—”

“No, I have to tell everyone how wrong this decision is and how—”

“Mom, just _listen_ ,” Alyssa yelled. “Listen to me!”

The room went silent. Alyssa looked into her mother’s eyes, wide and fearful, and knew what she needed to do. What she’d wanted to do for so long. And maybe now wasn’t the perfect time, or the perfect place, and there were countless eyes on her – but as far as Alyssa was concerned, it was the moment. _The_ moment.

“This is ridiculous,” she started. “I know you, mom, and I know that you’re scared of what you don’t understand. But the world is changing, okay, and there’s always _going_ to be things you don’t understand.”

“Alyssa—”

“Please let me finish,” Alyssa begged. “Just once, let me say what I need to say.”

Her mother paused. “Fine.”

“Being gay isn’t a choice,” Alyssa said, taking a shaky breath and refusing to look anywhere other than her mom’s eyes. “You know that, deep down. You know that people don’t turn gay just like that; they just… they are who they are. They’re being brave, and they're being themselves. So, that’s what I’m going to do right now because I don’t want to hide who I am anymore. It’s exhausting, and I’m done with it.”

Mrs Greene opened her mouth, and then closed it again. It felt inevitable, what happened next, and Alyssa tried to hold onto every good memory with her mother that she had.

“Mom, I’m a lesbian,” Alyssa said, a weight lifting from her shoulders almost immediately. A ripple went through the crowd, but she ignored it. “And I’m – I’m in love, okay? With her.”

She let go of her mother’s hands and her eyes found Emma towards the front of the onlookers. She looked completely shocked; mouth hanging open and eyes blown wide behind the lenses of her glasses. Alyssa exhaled, a newfound serenity attempting to overrun the jangling nerves she was feeling. Everyone but the two of them melted into the background.

“I love you, Emma Nolan,” Alyssa said softly, turning to face her, and she knew that Emma could hear her.

“Holy shit,” Emma said, blinking rapidly as she crossed the distance between them and hugged her tightly. Alyssa could feel her girlfriend trembling, although she was sure she was doing the exact same thing. She clung onto Emma, needing to feel her solid and comforting presence after what had just happened. She’d just come out to her mother. She’d actually done it.

Mrs Greene tried to speak up as Alyssa pulled back from the hug. “Alyssa, you – you’re still young and—”

“If you don’t let her be true to herself,” one of the actors – Barry, Alyssa remembered – interrupted suddenly, taking a few steps forwards with tears in his eyes, “you’ll lose her. And you don’t want that to happen, it… I know what it’s like and you don’t want to put her through that. Trust me.”

Again, Mrs Greene opened her mouth and closed it. To Alyssa, who reluctantly tore her eyes away from Emma’s and met her mother’s, it seemed like she was fighting back tears. Alyssa didn’t know what kind of tears, but she herself was having to fight down an overwhelmed sob.

“I just… I just don’t want you to have a hard life,” her mother said eventually.

Alyssa bit down on her bottom lip. “It’s already hard.”

Her mother didn’t look at her then. Not directly. Alyssa wanted to be angry, but mostly she just felt exhausted.

“Mom.”

Mrs Greene startled a little. She looked dazed. “We’ll… we’ll talk tonight.”

“Okay,” Alyssa whispered, gripping on tight to Emma’s hand as her mom turned to leave. And then, suddenly, she was gone.

She leaned into Emma, closing her eyes as her girlfriend wrapped her arms around her and the rest of the world crept back in. Holy shit indeed. There was talking going on, yes, but not the same frenzied commotion there had been as they’d entered the room.

“That was incredible,” Emma murmured, so only Alyssa could hear. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Alyssa?”

She opened her eyes to see Barry looking at her with a warm expression. “Hi.”

“I’m Barry,” he introduced himself, as if Alyssa didn’t already know. “What do you say to us all getting out of here and getting some tea instead?”

Alyssa glanced to Emma, who smiled encouragingly, and turned back to him. “Yes, please.”

 

* * *

 

It was ridiculous how quickly Saturday came around.

One second it was Wednesday afternoon and Barry was taking her and Alyssa for tea to escape the gymnasium, and the next, Emma was trying not to pass out from the nerves that came with knocking on Alyssa’s front door for the very first time. She brushed imaginary dust off the front of her tux, taking a steadying breath as she heard footsteps approaching. They sounded like Alyssa’s footsteps, at least; Emma didn’t know what she’d do if she came face to face with Mrs Greene. Start sweating, probably.

The door swung open, and there she was.

Alyssa looked completely breath-taking and Emma felt like she had to pick her chin up off the floor as she took in Alyssa’s purple dress, and her delicate updo, and her perfect makeup. Her girlfriend always looked incredible, but there was definitely something even more special about how she looked tonight. Maybe the air of confidence around her added to it, too – Emma couldn’t be sure about that, but she knew for sure that she was speechless for a few long moments. It was Alyssa who broke the silence first.

“Emma, you look…” Alyssa’s eyes trailed over her, and Emma blushed.

“Like I threw this outfit together because shopping scares me?” she laughed, a little self-conscious all of a sudden.

“Well, I was gonna say hot,” Alyssa said. “And suave, and comfortable, and just… you.”

“Thank you,” Emma breathed. “You look, just, wow.”

She closed her eyes briefly, wishing the ground would swallow her up because that had to be the worst compliment given in the history of compliments. But when she opened her eyes again, Alyssa was just smiling fondly at her. Suddenly remembering the small box that she was holding behind her back, Emma held it out in front of her.

Alyssa seemed curious. “What’s this?”

“It’s a corsage,” Emma said quietly. “I didn’t know what color your dress would be so Todd suggested a white flower because it would go with pretty much anything.”

“Who’s Todd?” Alyssa asked.

“He’s the one who sold me the giant teddy bear,” Emma said. “He owns a store a couple towns over. He’s gay.”

Alyssa snorted. “Well, I’m sure Todd has impeccable taste.”

She gently opened the box to reveal the corsage. Emma tried not to fidget as she waited for Alyssa’s reaction, but she needn’t have worried, because Alyssa let out a quiet little gasp when she saw it.

“Emma, it’s beautiful,” she said, eyes flickering between it and the matching white flower attached to Emma’s tux with a smile.

Relieved beyond measure, Emma lifted the corsage out of the box and fastened it around Alyssa’s proffered wrist. She let her fingers trail over her girlfriend’s soft skin, linking their fingers together when she was done, and tried once again to convince herself that this was actually happening. She and Alyssa were actually going to prom together.

“Are you ready?” she asked. “Or is your mom coming to throw a bucket of pig’s blood over me or something? Because if she is, I’d like for us to leave now, please.”

Alyssa shook her head. “No, she’s already out with Kaylee and Shelby’s parents. I don’t know when she’ll be back. If we’re lucky, she’ll have too much wine and fall asleep on one of their couches.”

Emma laughed at the mental image. “Well, my grandma’s escaped from Edgewater altogether.”

“What? Why?” Alyssa furrowed her brow.

“Remember last weekend when she was away for a night?”

“The night we could’ve used her expertise with Pebbles, yes,” Alyssa laughed. Everything had turned out fine, but it still hadn’t been ideal with Betsy out of town.

“Turns out the potential new farm addition she was looking at is a Shetland pony,” Emma said. “She’s doing another overnight trip to pick him up.”

“You’re kidding,” Alyssa said. “Maybe Pebbles can finally have a friend who’s not me.”

“Or me,” Emma added, not missing Alyssa’s surprised smile at hearing Emma refer to herself as Pebbles’ friend. “Shut up, he’s grown on me.”

“I knew he would,” Alyssa said smugly. “But yes, to answer your question, I’m ready to go.”

The drive to the school was quiet; anticipation hung in the air between them and Emma had to focus intently on the road ahead instead of getting distracted by Alyssa, which would be almost too easy to do. While Alyssa had been on the prom committee for the original prom, the Broadway gang had been intent on keeping it all a surprise for the two of them, so they had no idea what to expect.

Walking through the halls of James Madison High on a Saturday evening felt strange to say the least, but Emma couldn’t really bring herself to care too much about that, because Alyssa tangled their fingers together as they approached the gym and suddenly her heart was beating a mile a minute.

They paused just in front of the entrance to the gym, hearing the music blaring loud and able to see glimpses of other students through the bedazzled silver streamers hanging in the doorway. Emma glanced over at Alyssa, seeing her looking straight ahead with a nervous grin on her face before tightening her grip on Emma’s hand determinedly.

As one, they took a deep breath and pushed through the streamers into the gym.

The place looked unrecognizable. The lighting, the decorations… all of it was completely beautiful, and very unlike what Emma had thought it would look like. It was clear her friends had designed a lot of it; New York City was everywhere in the room. Emma was struck by the sudden, overwhelming urge to go there – maybe with Alyssa and their Broadway friends. Maybe she should take Barry’s advice and actually move there. Maybe she could give this music thing a try. Maybe she—

“Oh my god,” Alyssa murmured. “This is incredible.”

She looked around the room with stars in her eyes, and Emma tried to take a mental snapshot of the moment. She had a feeling she’d be doing a lot of that tonight. All of a sudden, Alyssa was tugging her towards the crowds.

“Let’s dance,” she said.

Emma let herself be dragged across the room. She noticed a lot of people looking at them, but nobody was pulling faces, or whispering, or outright yelling anything. Emma started to feel cautiously optimistic – maybe Trent was right, and they were changing after all. Shelby’s ex-boyfriend Kevin was even smiling at them.

She knew she wasn’t much of a dancer, but something about everyone dancing together made Emma unable to care about how she looked. All that mattered was that she was enjoying herself, and so was Alyssa, and they’d managed to get a prom after all. Alyssa, of course, was an amazing dancer, and it was all Emma could do to not trip over her own feet as she watched her girlfriend move.

After a while, a slow song came on. Emma was extremely grateful for that, because she was beginning to get winded with all the energetic dancing she’d been doing. But it also meant that everyone around them started slow-dancing, and it was the moment she’d been building up to in her head for so long.

Alyssa gave her a shy smile as they gravitated towards each other, and it felt like something out of a movie. Emma’s hands found the familiar curve of Alyssa’s waist, Alyssa stepping close to link her hands behind Emma’s neck. Emma couldn’t look away as they started to sway together, enraptured by the soft look in Alyssa’s eyes.

In that moment, all of the stress and the uncertainty and the heartache were worth it, because they were slow-dancing together at prom under the glow of what felt like a thousand little lights. It was perfect. One of Alyssa’s hands trailed down Emma’s upper arm, the other now resting on her shoulder, and Emma caught a glimpse of the corsage on her wrist.  Alyssa’s gaze dropped to her lips, Emma’s heart beat loudly in her chest, and both of them started to lean in at the same time.

As soon as their lips met, everything else faded into nothingness, and it felt as if they were the only two people in the room – maybe even the world. Emma brought her hands up to frame Alyssa’s face, feeling Alyssa’s own on her back as they kissed. She was in a state of total euphoria; they were invincible.

Emma pulled back just barely, tilting her head and kissing Alyssa again. She felt Alyssa’s lips curve up into a slight smile against her own, and she could taste strawberries. Her thumbs stroked over Alyssa’s cheekbones, finally stepping away and trying not to grin at the way Alyssa chased her lips.

They simply looked at each other for a long moment, the realization that they’d just kissed in front of people for the first time beginning to set in. Because, as much as it had felt like it, they weren’t alone. But Emma couldn’t see any sort of commotion. All she could see over Alyssa’s shoulder was their classmates dancing around them – some of them watching, some of them not – and the Broadway gang poking each other and looking as if they were going to burst with happiness.

The world hadn’t imploded because they’d kissed in public.

Alyssa looked slightly breathless, a smile spreading across her face as she evidently came to the same conclusion. The song ended, making way for a more upbeat recent hit that Emma vaguely recognized, and she took that as her and Alyssa’s cue to make their way over to their new friends. This time, it was Emma’s turn to pull Alyssa through the crowd.

Barry hugged them both as soon as they were in range. “You two look like a very stylish couple.”

“Thanks,” Emma grinned proudly. “You all look incredible.”

And they did. All five of them had well and truly dressed up for the occasion, and it made Emma so unbelievably happy that they were all here to celebrate with them. They were, after all, a large part of why there was even a prom to go to. Emma would never forget that.

Perhaps sensing that she was starting to get overwhelmed, Alyssa squeezed her hand and engaged Trent in a conversation about theatre. Naturally, he started a spiel and took the attention off Emma nicely.

Emma knocked her shoulder against Alyssa’s lightly, silently thanking her girlfriend for the distraction. She saw Alyssa smile out of the corner of her eye and wondered how she ever got this lucky. Having mostly tuned out of the conversation for a few moments to just admire her, Emma was brought sharply down to Earth again when Alyssa furrowed her brow at something Trent had said.

“Bill?” she asked. “What bill?”

“The bill Emma asked us to help out with,” Trent said blithely. Emma’s eyes widened.

“Emma?” Alyssa turned to her. “Did… did you all pay off Pebbles’ vet bill?”

“Yeah, uh,” Emma admitted, a little nervous. “I didn’t wanna presume, but you seemed really worried about it and I knew I wouldn’t be able to cover it by myself so I asked them for help. I promise I didn’t tell them about you before you came out, I just… I just didn’t want you to have to worry about hiding the bill from your mom or anything so we called the vet and paid it and I was gonna tell you but I didn’t know how to bring it up and—”

Alyssa tugged on the lapels of her tux, pulling her close and silencing her pretty effectively with a kiss. Emma’s hands flailed for a moment, eventually coming to rest at Alyssa’s waist. She knew her cheeks were red, but she couldn’t bring herself to care about that right now, mostly because her mind had immediately gone blank as soon as Alyssa’s fingers had curled around the material of the tux.

Distantly, Emma thought she heard Dee Dee say something that sounded a lot like: “Gay rights.”

Alyssa must have heard it too, and remembered where they were, because she broke the kiss abruptly and blinked a few times before slowly releasing her grip on Emma. Not that Emma had minded that.

“I don’t know what to say,” Alyssa managed. “Just—thank you. All of you.”

“It was the least we could do,” Barry said.

“Yeah,” Emma said, a bit shell-shocked after the kiss. She cleared her throat. “Pebbles is really important to you, so that means he’s really important to me.”

“Emma Nolan, you are something else,” Alyssa said, shaking her head in amazement.

Emma shuffled her feet, lips still tingling. “Can we go back to making fun of Trent for being in _Shrek_ now please?”

Alyssa laughed. “Hey. It’s not a bad show.”

“Thank you!” Trent exclaimed.

“He played Lord Farquaad,” Emma said.

Alyssa raised her eyebrows. “Oh.”

 

Hours later, once the prom started to wind down and people began to leave for after-parties and hotel rooms, Emma and Alyssa said their goodbyes to the Broadway gang. They were apparently staying in town for a few more days, and Trent was even considering staying behind to apply for a teaching position after how well he’d managed to influence the students into not being homophobic jerks, but once they went Emma didn’t know when she’d be able to see them again. Hopefully, if the plan she was creating in her head worked out, it wouldn’t be too long.

Alyssa leaned against her as they walked to where the truck was parked in the lot, more from being cold than tired. Emma wriggled out of her tux, draping it across Alyssa’s shoulders while trying not to trip over, and decided in that moment she’d happily freeze if it meant Alyssa kept looking at her the way she was right now.

“Back home?” Emma asked as they got in her car and she started the engine.

Alyssa drummed her fingers nervously on her thigh. “If you mean your house then, yes, back home.”

Emma’s foot slipped on the pedal, and the truck stalled. Both of them burst out laughing. Emma was nervous; she thought she knew what was being implied – what she wanted to be implied – but what if she was wrong? But the house was empty, Alyssa had confirmed a little earlier that her mother had indeed decided not to drive back after all the wine so she wouldn’t be expecting her home either, and it was prom night – although, that in itself didn’t make Emma expect anything to happen. And even if nothing _did_ , the chance to potentially fall asleep and wake up with Alyssa was impossible to resist.

She struggled to keep her focus driving home, but she somehow managed to get them there without any incidents. She took the key out of the ignition, the farmhouse looming larger than it ever had before. Emma tried to make herself relax – it was the same house it had always been. Alyssa was fundamentally the same as she’d always been. Emma herself was fundamentally the same as she’d always been. There was no reason why anything _should_ be different tonight.

It felt different, in a good way.

Something unspoken hung between them; something that, if it were to happen, she knew would have to actually be spoken about. It wasn’t as if they’d never discussed it. Before, the timing had never felt right, but now circumstances were different. God, she needed to stop overthinking it.

She led Alyssa upstairs, feeling a bit silly still dressed up to the nines – minus her shoes now – even though prom was over. She fiddled with the end of her tie with one hand, the other clutching Alyssa’s tightly to help ground her as she opened the door to her room. Alyssa shut the door behind them, carefully slipping the tux off her own shoulders and putting it back on its hanger. She turned back to Emma with a warm smile once she was done, stepping closer and reaching for her hands.

“Hi,” Emma said shyly, tangling their fingers together.

“Hi,” Alyssa murmured back. “So... tonight was amazing.”

Emma grinned. “Yeah. It really was.”

Unable to help herself, Emma leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss to Alyssa’s lips. Her girlfriend responded immediately, tilting her head and deepening the kiss in a way that made the hair on the back of Emma’s neck stand on end and her stomach drop. Somehow, the space between their bodies decreased further and further until she could feel the fabric of Alyssa’s dress through her shirt.

Emma couldn’t stop the noise that came from the back of her throat when Alyssa’s tongue slipped past her parted lips. She let go of Alyssa’s hands, instead wrapping her arms around the small of her back to bring them impossibly closer together. Alyssa’s hands landed on her shoulders, but soon travelled up, until she could slide her fingers into Emma’s hair.

Their chests were pressed together so tightly that Emma could feel every breath Alyssa took. She swore she could feel her heartbeat too, or maybe it was her own. Either way, she was convinced that Alyssa could tell how fast _her_ heart was racing. Their kisses were filled with intent; the air around them was crackling with electricity. Suddenly needing to confirm where this was going, Emma broke the kiss, breathing hard.

“Are you okay?” Alyssa asked, panting a little bit herself.

Emma nodded vigorously. “I’m more than okay, I’m great, I just… is this—are we…”

The tips of Alyssa’s fingers dragged lightly against her scalp, something that always had a calming effect on her. “Are we what?”

“Are we going to have sex?”

As soon as the words left her mouth, Emma wanted to smack herself. It was too bunt; too tactless, and now Alyssa was going to laugh at her, or say that she’d horribly misread everything, and—

“If you want to,” Alyssa breathed. “I mean, I want to, but—if you don’t, then that’s completely okay too. I’d never ever want you to feel pressured or anything.”

Emma’s mouth went dry. “I want to.”

“Yeah?” Alyssa grinned a little nervously as the air around them became even more charged.

“Yeah,” Emma confirmed. “I really, _really_ want to.”

“Me too,” Alyssa said.

Emma let out a little laugh, relieved beyond measure that they were indeed on the same page. She hadn’t been imagining things. Still, as the reality of it all set in, Emma felt her insecurities bubble to the surface – as was so often the case – and come spilling out.

“What if I’m bad at it?” she wondered aloud. “I mean, what if you don’t like my body or something? I just don’t want you to think that this is something you have to do because it’s prom night, you know?”

“Emma, hey,” Alyssa soothed, locking eyes with her. “First of all, you’re not going to be bad at it, because it’s you and me, okay? We’ll both be learning at the same time.”

Emma nodded, feeling herself start to relax a bit. She felt safe.

“And I love _everything_ about you,” Alyssa continued earnestly. “Your mind, your heart… and, yes, your body. You’re beautiful, Emma. You’re completely and utterly beautiful.”

“So are you,” Emma said, finding her confidence again as her eyes flickered around Alyssa’s face.

“And lastly, this isn’t because it’s prom night, or because we have to have sex in order to somehow be a valid couple,” Alyssa said. “We could never have sex and still be a valid couple. But I… I want to do this. With _you_ , because I love you, and because it feels… so right.”

“It does,” Emma murmured with a nod, her fingers flexing against Alyssa’s back. “I love you, Alyssa.”

Alyssa didn’t reply, not in words, but she smiled softly into the next kiss. Somehow, things felt less frantic now that they both knew where it was headed, but still very much purposeful. Emma felt like she could take her time, letting herself settle into the oh-so familiar sensation of Alyssa’s mouth against hers.

She felt Alyssa’s hands trail down her front until they were at her waistband, untucking the shirt from her pants and then her hands were on Emma’s bare stomach. She gasped into Alyssa’s mouth as the touch sent ripples of electricity through her body. Emma didn’t know whether she’d been pulling, or Alyssa had been pushing, but suddenly the back of her knees hit the bed and they both landed on the mattress.

Alyssa held herself above Emma, her eyes dark but her hands gentle as they both moved further up the bed. Emma took her glasses off, putting them safely on the bedside table before curling a hand around the back of Alyssa’s neck to pull her down for another deep kiss. She felt like her body was on fire, but she didn’t care, because all she needed to make everything right was for Alyssa to touch her.

“Tell me if you want to stop,” Alyssa whispered against her lips. “At any time.”

Emma nodded, knowing that stopping was the last thing she wanted to do. “Okay.”

 

It was the sunlight streaming through her window that woke Emma up.

Groaning slightly as she scrunched her eyes up against the brightness, Emma went to stretch out her body as she usually did. Her legs brushed against something under the sheet, and the more Emma came into consciousness, the more she became aware of. Like the arm draped over her stomach, and the head resting on her chest.

She opened her eyes, memories from last night flooding her mind as soon as she saw Alyssa. She bit her lip, the sudden smile on her face impossible to stop as she noticed the way her girlfriend was curled around her in her sleep. She looked more peaceful than Emma had ever seen her, hair loose around her shoulders and face clean of makeup.

Emma trailed the tips of her fingers up Alyssa’s arm, stopping when she reached the sleeve of the loose t-shirt she was wearing. One of Emma’s shirts. Alyssa stirred, her arm flexing and her bare legs brushing against Emma’s as she woke up. She lifted her head sleepily, blinking a few times as a lazy smile tugged at her lips.

“Hi,” she said, her voice sounding lower and rougher than usual this soon after waking up.

Emma brushed some of Alyssa’s hair back from her eyes. “Hi.”

Alyssa tilted her chin up for a kiss; it was a gentle press of lips and then Emma was pulling back and just _looking_. She still couldn’t quite believe this was real. In that moment, she knew she would do anything, give anything, to wake up with Alyssa like this every morning.

“What time is it?” Alyssa asked.

“Hang on,” Emma said, attempting to refocus. She fumbled for her glasses with one hand, putting them on before picking up her phone from the bedside table. “Almost ten.”

“We should probably get up,” Alyssa murmured. “Before Betsy comes back. Aside from anything else, if it’s a Shetland pony she’s bringing back, she might need help.”

“Why, are they trouble?”

“Put it this way,” Alyssa said. “Shetlands have a way of holding a surprising amount of chaotic evil energy in such a tiny body.”

“Wonderful,” Emma grumbled. “At least I’ll be in New York by fall, if our new arrival doesn’t kill me in my sleep before then.”

She said it without thinking, still half-asleep and fresh off a dream of her own music shop in the city. Alyssa sat up sharply, her eyes wide.

“New York?”

“I—yeah,” Emma said, suddenly nervous as she pushed herself into a sitting position too. “Barry said I should give the song writing thing a chance and, well, I think I want to.”

“That’s amazing,” Alyssa said. She swallowed. “Especially because I’m going to be in New York, too.”

“What?” Emma’s brain short-circuited. “Do you mean…”

“I’m going to college there,” Alyssa said breathlessly. “I got into NYU. Scholarship and everything.”

“Oh my god,” Emma said, throwing her arms around Alyssa. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Everything was just so complicated,” Alyssa said. “And I wanted to ask you to come with me but I didn’t want you to compromise your own dreams or anything for my benefit, and then we were broken up, and then we got back together but I was still too scared to ask in case you said no and I ruined everything—”

“You could never,” Emma said, pulling back from the hug and pressing a kiss to her cheek. “I probably would’ve said yes, but even if I hadn’t, we would’ve made it work. I just know it.”

“We’re both going to New York,” Alyssa said giddily. “I can’t believe it.”

Emma squealed, tackling Alyssa in another hug. Alyssa fell backwards with a surprised yelp, and Emma ended up lying almost on top of her, peppering her face with kisses; her forehead, her cheeks, her nose, her lips. Alyssa’s arms were wrapped securely around her back, hands twisting the fabric of Emma’s t-shirt as she laughed. Emma didn’t think she’d ever been this happy.

“Babe,” Alyssa said, sighing happily when Emma kissed just under her jaw. “Come on, we need to get dressed.”

“Don’t wanna,” Emma said, her voice muffled in Alyssa’s neck. “Wanna stay in bed with you.”

She felt Alyssa’s fingers card through her messy hair. “I do too, but I also don’t want my mother to get home hungover and find me not there.”

“Ugh. Good point,” Emma groaned, pushing herself up so that she was kneeling on the bed. “What’s the latest with her?”

She knew that the day Alyssa had come out, they’d talked for hours and hours, long into the night. It hadn’t been all good, but things had been a lot better at the end of the conversation than they had been at the beginning.

“I don’t know if things will ever be completely fine,” Alyssa admitted. “But I feel like she’s at least trying. She keeps saying she just wants me to be happy, and I keep telling her that I am, but it’s taking a while to sink in.”

“She’ll get there,” Emma said. “At the end of the day, she loves you more than anything.”

She knew that she herself would probably never be able to mend her broken relationship with her own parents. It still hurt sometimes, but more and more Emma had realized that if they were ever going to come around, then that was going to be their responsibility. She had her grandma, and she had the Broadway gang, and they were all better parental figures than her biological parents had ever been.

“I hope she will,” Alyssa said. “But at least I don’t have to lie about where I’m going when I come over now. She knows we’re together, and she’s just going to have to find a way to be okay with it.”

Alyssa sounded so confident, so sure of herself, and Emma’s heart felt like it might burst with pride. She’d come so far since the summer fair all those months ago, and now they had a future together. A real, tangible future. They had a few more months left in Edgewater, and then they’d be packing up and heading to New York City of all places.

Emma couldn’t wait.

 

* * *

 

“Babe, of course Pebbles is going to remember who you are,” Emma told her. “We saw him at Christmas and he galloped the length of the field when he heard you call him.”

“I know,” Alyssa said, pacing back and forth in front of her suitcase as she looked for a particular top that had likely been thrown somewhere in the corner of their tiny apartment. “But I’m worried he’ll be mad at me for leaving again.”

“He’s a pretty smart horse,” Emma reasoned. “I’m sure he knows that he would hate it here. Besides, he’s got Betsy and that little demon of a best friend.”

“I still think your face when you found out his name was Angel is the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” Alyssa said with a smile.

“I can’t believe my grandma didn’t rename him,” Emma grumbled, finishing her own packing and flopping down onto the couch.

“Remind me to get her something for taking Pebbles in,” Alyssa said, remembering how Betsy had jumped at the chance to essentially adopt her horse when it became clear her mother just wouldn’t have the time to look after him.

“You’ve already given her so many thank you gifts,” Emma pointed out. “As well as pledging her your life, your sword, and your first-born.”

Alyssa gave up on the search for the top for now, instead curling up on the couch next to her girlfriend. She felt Emma’s arm automatically wrap around her as she settled into her side. Maybe they were lame going home for Spring Break instead of going on vacation, but they couldn’t really afford to go anywhere exotic. Besides, Alyssa would much rather spend the week catching up with everyone back in Edgewater than she would being at any number of parties.

“So… Kaylee came out to me yesterday,” she said, figuring there wasn’t a better way to bring up the topic than just to say it outright. “She said it was fine for me to tell you.”

“Sorry, she did what now?” Emma blinked rapidly as the news sunk in.

“Well, after she got over her breakup with Nick, she hooked up with a girl at a party,” Alyssa recounted. “They’re not together or anything, but I think it confirmed what she was already starting to figure out.”

“So let me get this right,” Emma said. “Kaylee and Shelby both turned out to be bisexual.”

“Correct.”

“Shelby’s out, and she’s had a crush on Kaylee for months, but Kaylee doesn’t know that last part.”

“Also correct,” Alyssa said, thinking back to the sheer number of FaceTime calls she and Emma had endured with Shelby during the first semester of college.

“They’re _roommates_ ,” Emma counted it off on her fingers.

“Yep,” Alyssa said, struggling to push down a laugh. This was her friends’ lives, after all.

“Do you think Kaylee has a crush on Shelby?” Emma asked.

Alyssa shrugged. “She didn’t say, but I wouldn’t be surprised. I was always the third wheel even when they were both supposedly straight.”

“This is a movie waiting to happen,” Emma said. “Oh my god, we have to get them together and then never let them hear the end of it.”

“Let them figure it out on their own,” Alyssa laughed at Emma’s sudden determination. “No meddling when we meet up with them this week.”

Emma groaned. “But I wanna meddle.”

“Maybe a little bit of meddling,” Alyssa relented, kissing away Emma’s pout.

Emma hummed against her lips. It had been over a year and a half since their first kiss, and Alyssa was yet to even remotely tire of the feeling of Emma’s lips on hers. She kissed Emma almost lazily, her hand resting against her girlfriend’s collarbone, playing with the necklace she’d given Emma for their first Christmas together. When Alyssa finally pulled back, Emma’s eyes were still closed.

“Did they find an artist for the latest song you wrote?” she asked.

Emma shook her head, opening her eyes again. “No. At this rate they’re going to have me sing it and release it.”

“Is that something you’d be interested in?”

“I don’t know,” Emma said. “I kind of feel like I’ve had enough sensational news around me to last a lifetime.”

“Well, you can always say no if they ask,” Alyssa said. “But it’s up to you.”

She laid her head on Emma’s shoulder, sighing contentedly as Emma started stroking her hair. They didn’t have to leave until late morning tomorrow; packing could wait. And sure, she was definitely looking forward to going back to Edgewater – something she’d never expected to feel a year ago when she'd been stuck there – and seeing her mom, and Betsy, and Trent, and her friends, and Pebbles of course… but she also loved it here in the city with Emma.

She went to classes while Emma was at work, but they came home to each other at the end of the day and it was near enough perfect. They saw Barry and Dee Dee and Angie regularly, and sometimes Sheldon joined them, and they never had to hide the fact that they were together from anyone. They could walk around holding hands, and Emma could kiss her when they met up on her lunch break, and most of the time nobody batted an eyelid. She felt free.

“Hey, Alyssa?” Emma murmured.

“Hmm?”

“Do we really have to go to dinner with your mom?”

Alyssa snorted. “Yes. Be nice, she was the one who suggested it.”

“Okay, fine,” Emma said, laughter in her voice. She was silent for a few moments before speaking again. “Hey, Alyssa?”

Alyssa poked Emma’s ribs in retaliation for her teasing tone. “What?”

“I love you,” Emma said softly.

And no matter how many times she said it, those words always made Alyssa’s heart beat faster. She pressed a sleepy kiss to the place where Emma’s neck met her shoulder, smiling when she felt Emma shiver.

“I love you, too.”

 

the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even know what to say, you guys. through this one crack idea i've found a story and characters (both canon and oc) that i'm passionate about, i've made an incredible friend in maria even if she won't openly admit she loves me deep down, i've been able to - hopefully - develop my writing by using these characters that i love.
> 
> thank you to every single person who has read this fic, and especially to those who have left kudos, bookmarked, or have been kind and generous enough to leave a comment on a new chapter. it means the absolute world.
> 
> a special thank you to the prom discord who have put up with maria and i yelling about this au for 4 months, and who have inadvertently given us some of our favourite little ideas for the fic. we love you all!
> 
> (also a huge shout out to aya, who just posted a piece of cowgirl au art!! https://munchiezxx.tumblr.com/post/185279701974/a-very-rushed-cowgirl-au-fanart-but-its-here)
> 
> please feel free to leave a comment - it would mean so much to us if you did - and i'll probably be back in the tags soon!

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sure how long this is going to end up being, or when the updates will happen, but watch this space! be sure to let us know in the comments if you enjoyed it - in addition, my tumblr is @ilovemyships and maria's is @babysappho and we love screaming about this au
> 
> much love to you all, and thanks for reading!


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